The Pat Boone Lounge Has Been Mustard Gassed

By Flesh
Pigdog Staff Writer

Recently, some stereotypical frat boys accosted a friend of mine in a northern state. Having an active brain, she did what any other person should do when approached by one of these drunken knuckle-draggers: she maced him. Unfortunately, because of the local laws, the spray she hit him with was too watered down to work. He just stood there with a shocked expression on he face. Fortunately, he was shocked enough not to want to do anything further. But this incident got me thinking.

Right now, at any given moment, in any given state, there are women who are walking around, confident that if they are attacked, the mace or pepper spray they have will aid in their defense. And what happens when that critical moment comes, when it's time to use the spray, and it doesn't have an effect, or worse, makes the attacker more aggravated? I personally don't like that idea. But what really bothers me is that it probably has already happened. The odds are it's happened more than once. But we may not ever hear about the failure of this form of self-defense. If we are to trust the statistics of the FBI, only 34% of all rapes are reported. I'm willing to wager that a good chunk of those rapes are due to the null efficiency of these kinds of weapons.

To the credit of those who manufacture such devices, not all of them are going to be as ineffective as my friend's. But I happen to trust Murphy's Law in this case. Some of the watered-down stuff gets sent to a place where stronger stuff is allowed. Someone brings the weak stuff from a place they just moved from. You get the idea. These devices have also been shown to have a lessened effect on people who are under the influence. Worse, what about women who would like to have such protection but cannot, due to restrictions, such as being required to register, have a license, or take an expensive course. This is a total outrage.

There is a way around all of this bureaucratic nonsense.

While living in Montana, I noted that all the outdoor supply shops and pawnshops were selling bear repellent. This little-known substance intrigued me. What could possibly be in it that would stop a grizzly. "It's pure capsicum," the store clerk told me, "It makes pepper spray seem like a practical joke." The clerk went on to explain how it worked. "It doesn't just send out a stream like your typical pepper spray bottle, it actually releases a thirty foot cloud of pure hell in one second flat." If you don't know what vaporized capsicum can do to you, it will dilate the capillaries of the eye, causing temporary blindness; induce choking, coughing and nausea; cause mucous membranes to swell; and prevent all but life-support breathing. Remember, all of this from a small canister, in a fraction of a second. "That's one hell of a self-defense," I thought, as I examined the cylinder. I noticed five bold words on the canister that piqued my curiosity: "Not for use on humans." I pointed to the words, and asked the clerk why. "It might kill someone if they were directly hit with it," he said. "It might?" I asked. "Well, yeah, there's a strong chance that it could shut down the person's breathing, and that person would end up dying a painful death." Very interesting, to say the least.

Bear Repellent Scenario Number One

This Friday night, just about anywhere you pick in America, people will be having a good time in watering holes and nightclubs. As the magic hour of 2:00 AM approaches, the happy souls will be going home. Some will go into the night with other patrons, others will not. Some will not be content with going home alone just yet. These truly savage beings must first control and have power over another before they have that temporary feeling of gratification. Some will wait in the shadows. Others will keep their intended prey near to them until they have absorbed enough alcohol (or other substances) to raise their artificial courage up to strike. Others will wait for years, then prey on those closest to them. In this case, we will zoom in on the town of Great Falls.

It's Saturday night. All the ranch hands have been paid. The whiskey has been flowing like water over the Niagara Falls. Pam who has been out with friends decides to call it a night. She makes her parting with her friends and the three men from the local farms who are in town for a good time.

But the farmhand she has been talking with doesn't want her to leave. He follows her out into the parking lot. Next to her car, he grabs her, and tries to kiss her. She slaps him. At this point, rage manifests. He begins punching her. Pam falls to the ground.

But this time it's different.

Pam pulls the red safety pin, points the canister that's hooked on the side of her purse, aims, and fires. A sunflower-colored cloud filled with micro-demons instantly appears. They fill every inch of the farmhand's lungs and eyes, ripping into him like freshly sharpened chainsaws ripping at everything that they can. He falls to the ground, blind, gasping for air. Pam makes her escape.

Bear Repellent Scenario Number Two

And on the other side of the fence....

James is gay. Or at least that is what everybody thinks. He doesn't hang out with anyone else. He doesn't go to football games, or hang out in front of the local 7-11 with everyone else. Again, it's Saturday night. Three members of the local football team are walking back from a kegger. They spot James, and decide to have a little fun at his expense. After all, who's going to give a fuck if the local faggot gets the shit kicked out of him, right? The start catcalling him, as they jog up to him. Suddenly, just as they are in reach of him, he turns around and releases formless magi. This genie-from-the-bottle is pissed off for being incarcerated for so long, and wants to hurt something. And as their eyes begin feeling like they are boiling in hot battery acid, they collapse to the sidewalk imitating fish that have just been pulled onto a fishing boat to their doom.

Do the football players or the farmhand live? It doesn't matter. It's certain that they stand a better chance than if they were looking at the business-end of a snub-nose .38. If they do live to tell the tale, they probably won't do it ever again.

So, to you who need defense, I offer to you this humble can of bear repellent. If it's strong enough to stop a charging bear, it will most certainly stop a human attacker. It is cheap, can be obtained legally in better outdoor sports shops, and it doesn't have the same requirements as it's human pepper spray counterparts. I say to you, keep this mystical substance of force near to you. Walk through the night with confidence and a true feeling of security. If you have this bad-assed mother on your side, the only person that's walking away is going to be you.

Where To Get Bear Repellent

• http://www.udap.com/
• http://www.counterassault.com/information.htm
• http://www.corp.direct.ca/hss/pepper/

For those of you in Canadia...

http://www.goodnet.com/~ramer/