Build Date: Tue Jan 21 08:30:18 2025 UTC
Pigdog knows how lonesome the heart gits.
-- Patient Joab
Iowa Armageddon
2000-12-31 15:04:38
Pigdog dispatched special correspondent Ratsnatcher for a holiday reconnaissance of America's frozen hell. After ten days of silence, our shortwave radio cackled with Ratsnatcher's static-filled transmission.
We're having menacing blizzards! Five inches of rust-belt acid-snow today! And it's a deep, burning cold outside. On Christmas day it was -25 degrees real temperature, which doesn't include wind-chill. There are filthy icicles everywhere, hanging off mailboxes and even people. They say it's the most vicious winter in years.
The hog population is being slaughtered en masse because the animals keep getting frostbite, which ruins the flavor of the meat. So all about town the snow is RED, and there's a powerful stink of roasting and curing pig coming out of all the chimneys. Just today I drove past a house that had six or seven large sows in a line on the front grass, each missing a head. The local kids put the heads on snowmen, for crissakes!! It's really grim. Nobody worries about wild dogs or critters getting at them, because the carcasses are frozen so solid that you would need a sledgehammer just to move them -- these things freeze to the ground right where they're killed -- and it's too cold for the dogs to be outside anyway. The only living things around here are the black jackdaws that perch about. They never touch pork for some reason, so it's not a concern.
The one thing that people in this state know how to do is drink. The liquor cabinet is well stocked at all times. They even have a Web Van-like delivery service here that does nothing but deliver booze and tobacco products. A pair of snowmobiles comes by every other day and tosses a satchel onto the porch. There is NOTHING to do in the morning but stay inside, nursing hangovers, and waiting for a break in the heavy storm action -- just so we can run out to the garage and chip off some more pork for dinner.
Ham! I'm swimming in Ham!
T O P S T O R I E S
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C L A S S I C P I G D O G
There are two kinds of Assmen in this world. Wild, hairy assmen, who put stickers that say things like "Why Be Normal?" all over their trucks and drink Corona beer and wear fezzes at parties for attention; these are the Assman Desperados. Our job is to ferret them out and expose them. (More...)
We here in SMRL's Beverage Research Lab realize that there is more to life than just drinking spocktails. It's important to have other activities. One such activity that we wholeheartedly support is dancing six or more hours to Trance music. So we have designed a drink to accommodate this. (More...)
During a magnificent sunny day in a fast receding autumn, the Spock Science Monitor reporters once again blew the playa dust off of their computers and covered the 2002 Burning Man Decompression – held every year just east of Portola Hill in beautiful San Francisco. Both an afternoon and evening issues were released to the unsuspecting crowd of freaks attempting to in some small way experience the euphoria of the playa – if but for a brief afternoon far from the desolation of Northern Nevada. (More...)
First there was the Bloody Mary: Vodka, Tomato Juice, Worcestershire sauce, some spices, and celery. We drank it, and it was good. Then any drink with tomato juice got a prefix of "bloody" attached to it. We drank them, and they were mostly bad. Now Pigdog gets back to basics and introduces The Bloody Dog, a drink with REAL BLOOD in it. HUMAN BLOOD. (More...)
A Day in the Life of a Beverotologist
It was starting to look like a very boring Saturday, trapped as I was in the suburban wastelands of the outer Bay Area, so I called my Able Assistant (AA) and proposed that we perform some Spocktail field tests. For some time I've been working on creating the quintessential cinematic beverage and even tho' SMRL does most of its testing during nocturnal hours, this seemed an opportune time to roll up the sleeves of our labcoats and get some science done. While the beverotology creation tested this day (The Neurotoxin) must be deemed a success, this article focuses more the journey of the experimenters, rather then the science of beverotology. (More...)
Last week I had eye surgery and it was certainly one of the least enjoyable episodes of my life. Eye Surgeons like their patients to be conscious enough so that they can move their eyes to the proper position during surgery. (More...)
