The Middle East Solution |
![]() Pigdog Journal |
We have a lots of discussions on the Pigdog mailing list, most of it is pretty banal and stupid. But every once in awhile a post rises up above the noise.
To set the background, as you probably know there is a lot of unhappiness in the Middle East right now. We haven't covered it here in the PDJ for a number of reasons. The primary one is that we sent our best field reporter to the Middle East so we could provide TOTAL COVERAGE.
Unfortunately, he only made it as far as Amsterdam. Seems he had to transfer between flights and decided to check out the famous Red Light Distinct during the layover. He's still there and Accounting is still getting expense reports that have made several women in the department faint just from reading them.
Anyway, one of the posters on Pigdog suggested that instead of shooting the Palestinians, that the Israelis should develop and deploy a shit squirting gun. The theory here being shooting rubber bullets at the rock throwing protesters only makes them potential martyrs if they get hit and die and means they get to go to heaven get and 13 virgin brides. (Or something... I'm not really very knowledgeable about Islam. And I find the whole virgin bride thing a little unbelievable. But \/\/hatever.)
Since, this person claimed, the Palestinians really want to be shot at (die, become a martyrs, and have lots of sex in heaven), the Israelis should just start flinging poo at them. The poo would be unlikely to kill anyone and if it did, it seems unlikely that 13 virgin brides would await someone that died in a poo attack. Apparently, it was felt that dying in a poo attack lack sufficient honor and they'd probably smell too much to make it into heaven.
Anyway, Mr. Bad, after thinking about for a bit, decided that poo was the wrong weapon for the Israelis, and proceeded to give his plan for solving the violence in the Middle East - JR
Oh, yeah, that'd be a public-relations BONANZA, wouldn't it? I can see the headlines now:
ISRAELIS
STOP POURING METAPHORIC SHIT ON PALESTINIANS;
BEGIN USING LITERAL
SHIT
I've got a better idea. How about just throwing ROCKS, like the Palestinians do? Israeli flaks are always talking on "Nightline" about how dangerous and life-threatening the rocks are, and how they have to respond with Uzi fire to protect the soldiers. Not to mention how harmless the rubber bullets are, that have killed like a hundred people in the last few weeks. Ariel Sharon is always, like, "Rubber bullets? They are like tickle of the snowflake, so harmless are they. I don't know why we even bother."
It all seems really unfair to me. The odds are way against the Israelis, if you believe the news. I say that maybe it's time that Israel took the step up to advanced Palestinian rock technology. Why should they have to use pussy rubber bullets when Palestinians have the awesome destructive power of ROCKS at their disposal?
Not to mention that it would be great publicity, too. On the off chance that a Palestinian got killed by a crushing rock blow, Palestinians wouldn't have a leg to stand on, martyr-wise. "You killed one of our people by throwing back one of the rocks we threw at you!" Doesn't really bring a tear to your eye, does it? That big problem of pro-Palestinian sympathy goes way down.
Not to mention that it would show all the scoffers like me the truly devastating capacity of rocks for mass destruction. "We TOLD you that they were dangerous. But NOOOO! You didn't believe us. See!? Do you see now the incredible danger of rocks?"
Also, the Israelis could say, "You've been throwing rocks at our soldiers for like 25 years, and how many have you killed? Three, four, maybe? If that? But we killed one of your guys in our FIRST DAY of rock-throwing! You guys SUCK! No wonder we rule over you. In your *FACE*, Palestine!" High fives all around, and great knuckle-biting and gnashing of teeth in Samaria and Judea, believe you me.
I think the big question for Americans is, why do we keep giving foreign aid to the Israelis when they keep spending it on stupid stuff like tanks and rifles and other ineffective shit like that? I bet we could just send over an aircraft carrier packed to gunwhales with fist-sized chunks of good ol' Vermont granite, and (assuming it didn't sink) this whole Middle East thing would be taken care of in a couple hours.
~Mr. Bad
T O P S T O R I E S
California Glory Hole attracts huge crowds
A glory hole at Napa's Lake Berryessa is drawing huge crowds. According to Chris Lee, the general manager for the Solano County Water Agency, the glory hole hasn't been active since 2019, and only restarted operations on Feb 4. (More...)
Republican State Senator busted after soliciting a teenage girl
Republican State Senator Justin Eichorn of Minnesota was arrested for soliciting a teen girl on Monday just hours after he introduced a bill proposing "Trump derangement syndrome" (TDS) as a form of mental illness. (More...)
Parents claim measles is not that bad after having only one child die
The parents of a Texas girl who died from the measles are defending their decision not to vaccinate their daughter. "She says they would still say 'Don't do the shots,'" an unidentified translator for the parents said. "They think it’s not as bad as the media is making it out to be." (More...)
Delusional rich man tries to fire town staff
"I'm mayor now" said write-in mayoral candidate and founder of Pirate’s Booty Snacks Robert Ehrlich after losing the election for Mayor of Sea Cliff, NY. Then he tried to take over the Village Hall and fire everyone. (More...)
Musk claims Xitter security is staffed by idiots
Earlier this month Xitter experienced a massive outage. In an interview, Musk told Fox Business that he believes the attack came from "IP addresses originating in the Ukraine area." (More...)
The Future Ain't What It Used To Be
Ideas have taken horrifying shape and rooted into our modern reality. (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
It was Friday night at the Casa de Baron and everything was in place -- a group of friends had assembled, people were setting things on fire in the backyard, and a Ferry Corsten double-live CD was playing on the stereo. Everything was in place to make further scientific advances in beverage research and leisure technology. (More...)
First there was the Bloody Mary: Vodka, Tomato Juice, Worcestershire sauce, some spices, and celery. We drank it, and it was good. Then any drink with tomato juice got a prefix of "bloody" attached to it. We drank them, and they were mostly bad. Now Pigdog gets back to basics and introduces The Bloody Dog, a drink with REAL BLOOD in it. HUMAN BLOOD. (More...)
Skunk School -- Learn Why Not To Keep Skunks As Pets
There is an alarming trend in pet purchasing habits this fall. People inspired by the WWII film, "Life is Beautiful" -- the one with that annoying Italian guy -- are buying descented skunks by the millions. (More...)
The Innocent San Francisco Mule
Flesh and Abby have moved to an isolated rural location in the United States - equipped only with their sense of adventure. Recently they came down off the mountain briefly to file this report? (More...)
I just came across this coolio essay by Pigdog Journal Science Editor binky wedged between two staves in the back corner of the submissions barrel. It's on the origin of the cyberbilly and is definitely de rigeur for any serious student of this fascinating sociological movement. (More...)
A Day in the Life of a Beverotologist
It was starting to look like a very boring Saturday, trapped as I was in the suburban wastelands of the outer Bay Area, so I called my Able Assistant (AA) and proposed that we perform some Spocktail field tests. For some time I've been working on creating the quintessential cinematic beverage and even tho' SMRL does most of its testing during nocturnal hours, this seemed an opportune time to roll up the sleeves of our labcoats and get some science done. While the beverotology creation tested this day (The Neurotoxin) must be deemed a success, this article focuses more the journey of the experimenters, rather then the science of beverotology. (More...)