Rule #1: learn the commands before seeking a sex partner. Sending private messages to candidates in a crowded chat room seemed like a good idea...

/msg Goddess_LilWill you live out my S&M fantasies with me? [No response.]

After an hour of unsuccessful messages, I decided to try it one one last time....

/msg mistress_morganaI'm a submissive little maggot. Will you dominate me?

Then I had a horrible thought, and had to test the theory. I typed this into the chat room:

/msg mistress_morganaDoes mistress_morgana see these messages, or do everybody.

"Everybody." "every body". "We all do." "You sick fuck."

I didn't have a direct connection to the Internet, but local BBSes downloaded traffic from the Internet sex newsgroups. And with the impulse to read sex stories came the impulse to write them. I wistfully penned a story about saying goodbye in an airport cocktail lounge.

(It was just like my goodbye to the woman from Kansas City -- except it ended in turbulent sex, and involved a cock harness...)

Soon, I was a flaming libertarian, venting outrage that local ISPs refused to carry alt.sex.fetish.diapers. (Best of all, I found a nude photograph of Kennedy in alt.binaries.pictures.celebrities!)

I continued writing the dirty stories, modelling the plots after feverish geek fantasies. (One was called simply "Catfight!") But meanwhile, I was learning the QBasic language that came with DOS, and soon I was creating my masterwork: a sex text adventure.

In these post-Web days, text sex adventures are a lost art-form -- but throughout the late 80s and early 90s, horny, geeky PC users were creating home-grown programs, sometimes with primitive animation or musical accompaniments. One AOL user created a Gilligan's Island game where each character was represented by an ASCII symbol. ("@" was the professor, "!" was Gilligan...)

But they weren't dirty enough; not kinky enough. (Although a game called "Bad Bad" involved escorting an underaged girlfriend out of her father's house...) For me, do-it-yourself multimedia pornography was the last frontier. I began writing code...

Ironically, years later I had a girlfriend who was extremely kinky. Through bizarre role-playing sex games, I got to live out my witch fantasies. Once I tried to tell her about the stories I had written.

"It was called 'Catfight!'..." I began.

"Shut up," she said.

This chick's into water sports. But in private moments, I still poured unfulfilled fantasies into computer code. The text sex adventure grew. 40K. 80K. 120K. 160K. Nearly a quarter of a megabyte of geek fantasies. Water sports, Catholic school girls, Lorena Bobbitt -- I wasn't even sure if some of it was legal...

Unfortunately, it became too large to compile. A lesson in geek hubris was learned. I'd tried to write the greatest sex text adventure ever -- but it could only be viewed from my hard drive.

As a consolation to the reader, I offer the program I wrote about MTV VJ Kennedy.

God,I miss her.......