Pigdog Journal - Polo is my Life, by Jed Sanders

I seen quite a many tits in my life, ass, tits, pussy, you name it, I seen it. Now, old Jed ain't braggin'. But I ain't such a simple hillbilly like you people seem to think I was.

Tits, ass, everything, man. The first titty I ever sawed was when I were six years old and my Auntie Ruth had that terrible rash all over her body that year. Ma said, "Jed, you go'n and put some calamine lotion onto your Auntie Ruth," and I did, and I seen her boob. Her right boob, flopping out there like something on a cow.

But that weren't the last time I saw me some titty. Loretta showed me her butt when I was nine. We was standin' behind the wood shed and she says, "I dare ya to pull down your pants and sit here on this rock," for there was a great big rock right in front of us, and then I done it, and I told her it was her turn now, and she done pulled her dress up and showed me her butt afore she sat down on that big ole rock.

Later on, a course, there was all them carnival ladies, Pa'd take me to the carnival and there was tent where all the men would watch some lady take off her clothes. Once I looked in there through a flap and, sure enough: pussy.

I never had a girlfriend 'til I was old, so I never saw no titty that I could call my own, but when I got old enough, I started to drive into town in Pa's '59 Impala. I used to go to this place called the Blue Mule, and there was some naked women in that place. I mean, lots of 'em, like sometimes two or three at a time, though they never touched each other or nothin', just danced around showin' their titties. I like to drink Budweiser there and holler up a storm because that was some lot of titty, man! Yee haw!

I believe until I was 20, I saw a total of 37 titties (counting Auntie Ruth's big old floppy deal), 11 butts and maybe four pussies.

But then everything changed. That's when i got me this here Packard Bell computer and at that time signed up on the AOL. Ever since then I been a changed man, and I don't know changed to what. They say a lot of stuff done happen to old Jed, he's a hillbilly genius and all, but shoot. Do a man really need that much titty?

'Cause lemme tell you somethin', mister. I feel all burned out. Like a hollow shell of a man. Can it be good for you, I wonder sometimes, looking at the nasty things they show on the AOL? 'Cause I dunno, man.

This year alone, see, I have personally looked at with my own eyes, 672,112 titties, 89,612 butts and 62,784 pussies. On the AOL.

I counted.