o I got this article, right. OK, let me break it to you this way: trying to do an article about online porn is about as futile as rambling on for 200+ pages about doing a bunch of drugs and trying to find the American Dream in Las Vegas. Sure, it makes for good reading, but so what? The American Dream, like online porn, is usually found staring at you in the goddamn face.

See, lookie here: I hop online right before I start writing this, and what do I find in my inbox?

---
Date: Wed, 26 Nov 1997 04:59:07 -0500
From: zemau68@oulu.fi
To: zemau68@oulu.fi
Comments: Authenticated sender is <zemau68@oulu.fi>
Subject: XXX ADULT ENTERTAINMENT
Status: RO
X-Status: 

Join us at Pink Pussy Club the  HOTTEST site for 
XXX Live Girl SEX SHOWS!!!

We've got it all !!!  It's always FREE!!!  

* A Massive Selection of XXX LIVE GIRLS!!!!
* FREE Membership!!!
* FREE Porn Star  Pics!!!
* REAL LIVE SEX !!!
* FREE Erotic Stories!!!
* Personals & Dating Services
* Adult Toys & Clothing
* Men's Pics, Gay, Lesbian & Bi-Sexuals
* Adult Videos, CD-ROMS and much, much more!!!

We update daily to bring you the hottest 
and newest XXX SEX ! 
Submit your adult link  for FREE!
http://www.pinkpussyclub.com
<A HREF="http://www.pinkpussyclub.com">AOL Click Here</A>
You must be 21 to use our service.
If you take offense to this email & wish to be taken 
off our list simply email us at:
hotbabes@fastserve.com

We apologize for any inconvience.
aÕ
---

Staring at me, right there. How the fuck can you not find porn online? Usually, I've found, it finds you! So why am I wasting my time, writing this when I could be, at this very fucking moment, getting blasted beyond belief, watching marathon Doctor Who episodes, and maybe, just maybe, having some sex of my very own. And why am I wasting your time when you're probably already looking at porno, right now, this instant?

Jesus Fucking Christ, man. Crazy fucking shit.

* * * *

The word went out, on the esteemed Pigdog mailing list, that the next issue of the Pigdog Journal would be "The Porn Appreciation Issue." I figured, hey, what the fuck. Everyone's doing it, why can't I?

So, somehow Mr. Bad suckered me into writing a little ditty about online pornography. Fine. That's cool. I can grok. RoR-ALUCARD and all that good shit

One thing I decided pretty early on is that I'm not going to do an all-encompassing documentary piece about it. Come on. First off, I'm not Ken Burns, and writing a 3000-page epic clusterfactiodfuckarama just isn't in my line. Especially since PBS won't give me the funding, and USA Today probably wouldn't bust a nut over it anyway.

Second, the last time someone attempted to do a catchall about online porn, a certain nerdy student in Pittsburgh named Marty decided to give the online world the biggest Rimm-job in history, complete with falsified information, leading to the single biggest legal threat to online speech, and a class-action suit against the government to bring the piece of legal sewage down, as it should have. So, fuck you Marty. Slowly. With a bazooka.

* * * *

I wouldn't be kidding anyone if I said I was a complete stranger to porno on the net. Nope. My hard drive has quite a large number of images culled from various sources, like certain web pages or USENET newsgroups. But everyone has done it at one time or another. Ask John Ramsey. Or Gary Glitter. You can't help it. It's a natural thing to be attracted towards images of genitalia. Everyone has a natural instinct to get down and dirty, and barring that, look at it.

Take USENET. Please.

Going through the hierarchies of alt.sex, alt.binaries.pictures.erotica, etc., etc., so on, and so forth, the amount of newsgroups about sex, or with images of sex, is incalculable. That is to say, I don't feel like counting the number of groups in my .newsrc. Cope.

Take your pick. On the one hand, you have your alt.sex.personals, on the other (for example) you have your alt.binaries.pictures.erotica.amateur.female. Or whatever. All kindsa perversions, fetishes, pics, dicks, chains, whips. DDs, dongs, and domination; cunt, cock sucking and coprophagy. What can I say? And best of all, you don't have to pay for access to USENET.

Problem is, there's all kinds of spam on it too. Sometimes it's funny tho. I mean, coming upon a post with the subject line of, "DO YOU WANT TO LIK MY PUSSSY??" (sic), advertising "REAL GIRLS WHO WANT TO SUCK AND FUCK ONLY FOR YOU," along with some photo lifted from Hustler's website can give you a few good laughs. It's when you get the same post 50 times in one day, posted under different names, but with the same photo, that it gets a little annoying.

One thing tho—use a web browser to inspect the photos first (but even then this isn't perfect, depending on whether the image is multi-part, or encoded in some funkyshit coding that hasn't been used since 1989), since there's nothing quite like inspecting the goods before filling up hard drive space and realizing the pics aren't that damn good.

* * * *

And speaking of the web...

The grand majority of porno on the net seems to be on the web these days. Understandable, tho, since most net activity is also found on the web as well.

The problem is, the grand majority of web porno is also for pay. And bollocks to that. I mean, come on—I already pay for web access, God damn it, I don't feel I should have to pay extra just to look at some beaver shots. If the whole purpose of the web is to provide free access of information of any kind, why do these cocksuckers think they can get away with charging me, either directly or through scam services like AdultCheck, for the privilege? Horseshit.

One interesting thing, tho, is the live interactive strip show or sex show. Yes, that's right—sites with people getting it on through the magic of digital cameras and webcasting. And I guess this is cool, except, of course, most people don't have an ethernet connection running out of their house/apartment, even with ISDN prices coming down the way they have been. So, if you're running out of your house with a 33.6K modem or less, you'll probably be disappointed.

On the other hand, there are, too, homemade amateur free sites. People out there who feel worthy enough of baring it all for our enjoyment, and not charging anything for it. The con there, tho, is that usually, these are the sorts of people who probably should not be taking their clothes off under any circumstances. One notable exception, tho, is http://www.tubetop.com/. This is worth it, even if Brandy does take 50 million years to update the damn thing. And if she didn't reply to me for an interview for this article. Dammit.

Still, you won't regret it.

* * * *

Possibly the most interesting avenue for porno, believe it or not, is IRC. Here's where you meet the All Types. A quick overview of channels on any given server includes, "#gaydadsonsex," and "#!!!!!!!!!!!!!!swingerfistfuck!!!!!!!!!," or whatever. And sometimes, you do even get spammed on IRC, and sometimes it's worth it. Once I even got a username and password for one of those "Live Interactive Fuckfests" on the web. It worked too. And no, you can't have it, I already used it up, along with probably about 20,000 other people.

Right before I started this thing, I hopped onto IRC in the grand hope of getting some good material for this piece. Of course, the minute I get onto a server, I get:

*hotcunt_* Come to where the action's at! http://www.hotchix.com/!! See you there big boy!!!!!!!

Wonderful. Mental note.

I decide to do a quickie check of people who are logged in in my area, through checking local ISPs and universities. I see someone on #teensexpics named JillianK who's in my area. Well hey, what the fuck?

I talk to her for a bit. Yes! Another revolutionary in the war against for-pay-fucksites on the web! She's much more into talking and trading sexpics on IRC. So she asks me my age.

I tell her. I return the question.

This chick's 15.

Fifteen!!! Jesus Harold Christ on a fucking bike with a dildo up his ass, man, I'm trading sex pics with a 15-year-old girl! I feel like Danny Chan or something! I mean, fuck, yes, I looked for porno when I was 15 too, but since when I was 15 there wasn't any such thing as IRC for any real practical purposes, so I was left to my own devices, rummaging through my father's magazines (mostly softcore like Playboy, but with the occasional treasure like Cheri or Puritan) when nobody was looking. But here's a high-school chick, probably just barely gained her pubes and tits trading with other perverts.

Yes, kids, the net is a wonderful thing sometimes.

* * * *

It's like I said—you can't hunt for porno. It used to be true. Back when Rimm-job was doing his thing, he claimed that a 10-year-old could stumble upon pornography on the net within 5 minutes of logging on.

A couple grad students and I tested this theory. We spent three fucking hours before finding one nudie pic, and that was only one that happened to be on Howard Stern's site. Boy, I woulda liked to have met this 10-year-old, and get some searching tips from him.

But these days, it finds you. You can't resist. Don't fight it. You know you want it.

As I'm completing this: that one I got, cited at the beginning of this piece? I got it again. From a different username.We're all succumming (sic) to it. Just go along with it. You know you want to.

Sign O The Times