| If life were like porn... |
| All men would be hung like ponies. |
 |
| All women would have double-digit I.Q.s significantly lower than their
bust size, huge hair, and fingernails that Freddy Kruger would envy. |
| All women would be nymphomaniacs. All of them.
Even the dowdy ones would turn into ravening cum-junkies when
they took off their glasses and let down their hair. So what
the fuck is wrong with that? |
| Even complete geeks would get laid at the drop
of a hat. Literally. Like, you'd be walking down the street
and some busty blonde with big hair, six-inch fingernails and
a micro-mini with no panties would bend over to pick up her
hat (blown off her head yet again by that slow leak in her head),
and she wouldn't mind at all when a complete stranger with greasy
hair and an old, tattered Star Trek uniform dropped his pants
and slipped his bloated organ into her conveniently pre-lubed
pussy without so much as a "by your leave." |
| Men would have no problem maintaining an erection
no matter how offensively stupid his or her partner's pillow-talk
became (Ooooooh Daddy... it's so big!). |
| Everyone would put the soundtrack to Starsky
and Hutch on the stereo while having sex (waka chika waka
chika...). This would help to drown out the stupid things people
were saying. |
| Life, in general, would be poorly lit and everything would
sound like you were in stuffed in a coffee can and submerged in water.
Anyway, it's rude to talk with your mouth full of dick. |
| It would be child's play to round up three or
four women who enjoyed having oral and anal sex with large groups
of complete strangers, but virtually impossible to find someone
who could carry on a meaningful conversation. |
| Women would find Ron Jeremy attractive. |
 |
| Ron Jeremy would be everywhere you went. You'd go to Grandma's for
Thanksgiving and there he'd be. Do you suppose Grannie left him alone with
that turkey? Better order pizza just in case. But don't be surprised if
it's delivered by Ron Jeremy. |
| Men wouldn't be the least bit squeamish about having sex with a woman
who has had (or would even considered having) sex with Ron Jeremy. |
 |
Things would never be deposited in their appropriate orifice. You'd go
to a nice restaurant and people would have food in their hair and all over
their faces, but it would only occasionally make it into their mouths by
accident. This would leave their mouths free for the reproductive organs of
the complete strangers around them. As a result, the human race would die
out within a single generation, since sperm squirted on butts, faces and
tits has very little chance of finding its way to the fallopian tubes. This
is a small price to pay to rid the world of that smirking porcupine, Ron
Jeremy, and his potential progeny. |
| Life would be... well... stupid. Nothing would
make a lick of sense, and all actions and decisions would ultimately
boil down to some guy's desire to get his rocket polished. Hey,
life is like porn. |
