Build Date: Mon Apr 21 09:00:16 2025 UTC
When it comes to Darwinism, what the hell does fairness have to do with it. Evolution is inherently unfair.
-- Johnnie Royale
Making Junk Mail Work For You
2000-02-21 18:15:18
Although my e-mail inbox is regularly filled with unsolicited messages selling APL Compilers, Dutch pastry recipes, and Czech get-rich-quick schemes, my postal mailbox is full of even more nefarious spam. Here's how I deal with it.
Somehow my address and full name (spelled any number of ways) has crept its way onto many a mailing list for coupons, catalogs, and free magazine samples. I spend a good portion of my afternoons each Sunday sorting my mail into three piles: mail I want, mail I don't want, and mail with business reply envelopes.
Few appreciate the generosity put forth by those who send you business reply mail cards or envelopes. Business reply mail cards say "Postage will be paid by addressee" or "No postage necessary if mailed in the United States". This means that THEY WILL PAY THE POSTAGE COSTS no matter HOW LUDICROUS!
Just take all of the junk mail you receive, strip off your name and address, and shove it in a big envelope. Insert a note saying "enclosed is the information you requested" and krazy-glue the business reply card to the outside.
For bills that include stupid advertising sheets alongside the request for payment, include a nasty note saying something like "Throw this out for me, you mouth-breathing spam monkeys. Don't send any more or I will send my brother after you. He's a lawyer.".
For organizations that pester you to the point of extreme GAR, simply affix the reply card to an ordinary brick or cinderblock and dump it in your neighborhood mailbox. Thanks to the miracle of BUSINESS REPLY MAIL, it will go to its destination on THEIR DIME! Beaujolais to that!
A note to those of you who are hopped up from licking stamps all day and are about to rush out and try this: Do NOT put your return address on the envelope! As a matter of fact, put ANOTHER DAMN COMPANY in the return address. The post office will send this goddamn brick bouncing all over these United States trying to figure out who will pay the postage on the damn thing!
It's no wonder postal workers all go apeshit and shoot each other. They're so overworked sending bricks from bored punks all over creation. As a matter of fact, I'm amazed that there aren't more headlines like "POST OFFICE BRICKFIGHT LEAVES 12 DEAD" out there.
T O P S T O R I E S
California Glory Hole attracts huge crowds
A glory hole at Napa's Lake Berryessa is drawing huge crowds. According to Chris Lee, the general manager for the Solano County Water Agency, the glory hole hasn't been active since 2019, and only restarted operations on Feb 4. (More...)
Republican State Senator busted after soliciting a teenage girl
Republican State Senator Justin Eichorn of Minnesota was arrested for soliciting a teen girl on Monday just hours after he introduced a bill proposing "Trump derangement syndrome" (TDS) as a form of mental illness. (More...)
Parents claim measles is not that bad after having only one child die
The parents of a Texas girl who died from the measles are defending their decision not to vaccinate their daughter. "She says they would still say 'Don't do the shots,'" an unidentified translator for the parents said. "They think it’s not as bad as the media is making it out to be." (More...)
Delusional rich man tries to fire town staff
"I'm mayor now" said write-in mayoral candidate and founder of Pirate’s Booty Snacks Robert Ehrlich after losing the election for Mayor of Sea Cliff, NY. Then he tried to take over the Village Hall and fire everyone. (More...)
Musk claims Xitter security is staffed by idiots
Earlier this month Xitter experienced a massive outage. In an interview, Musk told Fox Business that he believes the attack came from "IP addresses originating in the Ukraine area." (More...)
The Future Ain't What It Used To Be
Ideas have taken horrifying shape and rooted into our modern reality. (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
The Ancient and Correct Sake Ceremony
Many Americans have learned to appreciate the delicate, sophisticated flavors of Japanese food and drink, along with the beautifully refined rituals of Japanese dining. San Francisco, as a gateway between East and West, has especially benefited from the flowering of Eastern consciousness in America. It is hardly possible to walk down the street without stepping on somebody's sushi. (More...)
Absinthia: The Pigdog Interview
Absinthe is making a come back for the Millennium. Even English people are slurping it down in pubs, eschewing their normal, healthy stouts and ales. And why not? Hell, if the planet is going to explode anyway, why not ride the DEATH WAVE in, and celebrate Y2K with the most entertaining and vicious elixir you can find? Come! Explore the "Absinthe Underground" with El Snatcher, Mr. Bad, and Splicer, as they interview the notorious absinthe bootlegger, Absinthia. (More...)
Tastes like key lime pie, gets you hammered like nobody's business: Introducing the Key Lime Spocktail! (More...)
The One I Feel Sorry For Is Joses
We've had a lot of Jesus coverage lately here at the PDJ. But let's face it, we're not exactly cutting-edge in this subject area. Jesus has been making headlines for, oh, I guess it's a couple thousand years now. Jesus is a very strong brand. Jesus has a lot of mindshare. (More...)
The days are getting longer and, as the man says, the nights are getting HOTTER! Lick your finger, touch your ass and go *Tschssh*, cause the damn SUN is out now! And of course that means it's time for a refreshing Spocktail that meets YOUR NEEDS for a delicious booze cooler at affordable prices. (More...)
The Deep Dark Underbelly of the Star Wars Myth, or Ramayana Remembered
It's a fact: Star Wars is a blatant plagiarism of an ancient Asian legend, and the long lines of devout Star Wars freaks are really unscrupulous Asian copyright busters. From Indonesia to Thailand to Nepal, videos are available for sale or rent before they're even released in the US and UK due to this nerdy camcorder-clutching bunch. (More...)