Build Date: Wed Mar 12 04:40:19 2025 UTC
Give me more anarchy clowns.
-- Tjames Madison
| Mr. Bad's List -- Reported 1999-03-23 12:18 by Mr. Bad | |
|
This week's list: The Ogre Juggernaut Comments on Mr. Bad's latest [sic] list Editor's Note: This week we're honored to have a special celebrity guest columnist, Tjames Madison, provide a rebuttal to Mr. Bad's previous column, Totally Hot Chicks I Want to Get All Freaky With. Editor's Additional Note To The Ladies: Mr. Tjames does not always look like a degenerate desert FREAK. I just picked this image because he looks so evil in it. "Parker Posey" Yeah, I guess so. But she's apparently dopey. And once she made that "Party Girl" movie, it was just a question of when the incessant overexposure would catch up to her. And now it's 1999, and this is like picking Cheryl Ladd in 1985. "Beth Orton" Had to look her up. What is your problem? She has enormous teeth. "Cookie (the daughter from "Blondie")" Not bad, but I go with the daughter from "Hagar the Horrible". "Lauren Bacall" Lauren Hutton! "Maid Marian" You're such a suck-up. "Toni Collette" Ooh, the smoky look. The smoky pseudo-Keaney waify look, without having to deal with the fact that she's Winona Ryder. The "look at me, I mentioned someone suitably obscure" look you're making right now. "Kristi Yamaguchi" Plus a free lifetime supply of Campbell's Soup! "Samantha Stevens" The TV witch or the porn star? "Lady Miss Kier" Yeah, maybe in 1994, I guess. "MAJ" Awwwwwwww. That is just so cuuuuuute. "Kim Rollins" Hey, it's your list. "Leah Garchik" Well-trained psychologists can cure this problem. "Ezri Dax" Is this some Star Track thing? NERD! "Me'shell Ndege'Ocello or whatever" See Collette, Toni. "The dark-haired, leather-clad singer from AWD" Oh yeah? Well the cute one in Luscious Jackson! You know what one I'm talking about! "Marilyn vos Savant" Brrrrrr. Better wear a thermal condom. "Queen Latifah" "Hi, my name is Mister Bad, and I just think up names at random and write them down." "The Star*Kist Tuna mermaid" Ariel from "The Little Mermaid" "Exene" Only if she's wearing cateye glasses. "Marie Osmond" Thank you. I will send you the bill for my therapy. "Mon Mothma" Nerd II: The Quickening "Scary Spice" While I appreciate the originality involved in picking nobody's favorite Spice Girl, how about just NOT PICKING Spice Girls? "Emma Thompson" She's a lesbian, you know. "Gong Li" Leslie Cheung "Cindy Wilson" FINALLY, we agree on someone. "This totally babe girl from my high school who I had a painfully secret crush on and I still many years later have erotic dreams about" (cont.) "...and now I stalk her on the net and I know where she works so I'm gonna go hang around there next week and look at her when she comes while I hide behind some stuff." "The Solid Gold Dancers" The Fly Girls from "In Living Color" "KTVU Anchorwoman Diane Dwyer" You could not be more disgusting. "Ann Magnuson" There's two we agree on. |
T O P S T O R I E S
The Future Ain't What It Used To Be
Ideas have taken horrifying shape and rooted into our modern reality. (More...)
The Once & Future King of Dust
Only The Onion could have acquired Infowarts. (More...)
Another Nobel Prize-Winning Author Describes Drunkenness
This book won a Pulitzer Prize. Here's its famous paragraph on getting drunk... (More...)
Why I'm pretty sure JD Vance had sex with a couch
True or false? The answers await us in that magical land where all truths are revealed -- the internet. (More...)
In 2010 Dr. Cheng-Huai Ruan discovered a way to cause a patient with an abnormal heartbeat to get back into a normal rhythm by sticking a finger up the patient's ass. (More...)
WKRP in Cincinnati aired from 1978 through 1982. Howard Hesseman played Dr. Johnny Fever, a DJ from Los Angeles who was fired from his previous job for saying the word "booger" on the air. In the show Hesseman would do some dialogue, introduce a song, and start the song. You'd hear a few notes, but never the whole song. (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
Songs Of Love And Special Things
Well, dear reader, there's no denying it: Spring has sprung. The air is pungent with the fertile aroma of Romance. And you know what goes with Romance, don't you? That's right, Lover, porn. And not just any porn, but the kind you can sing along to. (More...)
Vacationing from Somnambulant Narrow Realities
So about six months ago, I was chilling in Chang Mai, Thailand with ICBINJ, perursing the Bangkok Times over my banana pancake and Big Chang breakfast when I spotted this article reprinted from the LA Times. It was about some kooks from California (where else?) who were claiming to have been to the front lines in Afgahnistan in mid-December and had recorded the whole feat on their website. "Holy Fuck!" I thought, "Now That's web journalism. Who are these guys!?" (More...)
Report from Spiritual Machines
Arkuat gives you the inside scoop on the "Spiritual Machines" panel and conclave. Wacky excitement ensues! (More...)
Another Spocktail from the beverage researchers at SMRL: Home of The Deathwave Bar & Grill! (More...)
The Deep Dark Underbelly of the Star Wars Myth, or Ramayana Remembered
It's a fact: Star Wars is a blatant plagiarism of an ancient Asian legend, and the long lines of devout Star Wars freaks are really unscrupulous Asian copyright busters. From Indonesia to Thailand to Nepal, videos are available for sale or rent before they're even released in the US and UK due to this nerdy camcorder-clutching bunch. (More...)
The IBM Selectric Typewriter Changed My Life
I ran my hands lovingly across her frame, lightly brushing her metallic nipples with my fingers, admiring the shapes and the ways of her curves, the empathetic hum she produced as I had my way with her, the way she made it all seem so effortless and right... she didn't even seem to mind the way I roughly manipulated her knobs and tweaked her casing. She was extremely tolerant, for a typewriter. (More...)
