Build Date: Sat Nov 22 20:00:36 2025 UTC
Just be glad that someone is willing to pay for you to learn how to freeze heads.
-- Johnnie Royale
Sappy Christmas Shit
Pigdog Journal Articles
2017-12-24
A funny thing happened Pigdog Christmas Essay Contest. We got a second entry -- a raunchy, rowdy fable that seemed destined for glory, to RUN HARD and STEAL THE PRIZE, a strong contender to be this year's grand prize winner.
2017-12-24
It started 20 years ago -- and we're STILL HERE, dammit! So because Christmas is a TIME OF TRADITION, and to honor Pigdog.org's glorious resurrection, we announced the return of our most hallowed tradition: the Christmas Essay contest.
And now we're announcing the BIG 2017 WINNER!
2017-12-15
Because Pigdog.org is entering OUR 20TH YEAR! And because the world is even MORE BATSHIT CRAZY than ever! We're announcing the glorious return of our most sacred tradition: the Pigdog Journal Christmas Essay Contest.
2005-11-26
Do you want to give gifts that stand out? Gifts that can't be mistaken for mall drek? Do you want to give a gift that says "love" and maybe "help!"? Don't fight the Wal-Mart crowds, stay home and make a custom hanty for your special someone.
2002-12-27
That's right! The moment we've ALL been waiting for ALL YEAR LONG since the beginning of this anus horribilis is FINALLY HERE! The ANNOUNCEMENT of the WINNING ESSAY in the FIFTH ANNUAL PIGDOG JOURNAL CHRISTMAS ESSAY CONTEST! Boojho! Huzzah!
2002-12-19
Can you believe it? We've been having this WACKASS CONTEST for FIVE YEARS. FIVE! That's a lot of years! To have a contest! About Christmas essays! I mean serious! And it's time once again (OK, a little past time, I agree) to do it to me one more time! For Christmas's fucking sake! Beaujolais!
2002-12-18
Every year Santas get together all over the globe to bring children presents, to offer tidings of joy, and TO RAMPAGE IN YOUR BUNGHOLE LIKE DEMONS FROM HELL during an annual bachanalia known as SANTARCHY!
2002-01-04
Beaujolais for the pimpin' Christmas year! Despite the complete and utter passing of the holiday season of sharing and caring, Pigdog Journal continues to pump out the essay contest extravaganza winners!
2001-12-28
Beaujolais! X-mas time for the whole family with the FIRST RUNNER-UP winning X-mas essay! It's a holiday extravaganza that's sure to make everyone warm in their cockles.
2001-12-25
Beaujolais and Meli Kalikimaka! The Pigdog Journal Fourth Annual Christmas Essay Contest is OVER, and you are MOMENTS AWAY from reading the GRAND PRIZE WINNING ESSAY! Destined (ha ha) to be a holiday classic for years and years and years and years to come!
2001-12-23
There are dire tidings from the Badlands this Christmas.
2001-12-17
As most people are aware, War against Terror and Drugs and other Bad things has resulted in a monumental shift in American security precautions as we now face the threat of military trials and executions for disobeying President Bush and Attorney General John Ashcroft. This heightened security also threatens to cancel Santa Claus' annual delivery of presents -- many people who are paid to worry about such things were concerned about just how much damage a sleigh filled with 50,000,000 toys could do if it missed a roof top and plowed into the side of a building.
2001-12-11
Beaujolais!! Can you believe it's Christmas time again? I really haven't been able to plan around it since we survived Y2K -- never saw that coming. Anyways, send in your essay submission and LAUNCH YOUR CAREER TO THE STARS.
2000-12-24
Beaujolais! We have a winner! And none too soon -- the most magical day of the year is nigh upon us. Curl up to your iMac and read another touching Yuletide tale by none other than our Xmas essayist emeritus, LENNY TUBEROSE!
2000-12-24
The return of a holiday favorite the whole family can enjoy! A charming saga of a bunch of drunk cyberbilly hyperscientists and their encounter with a VERY SPECIAL VISITOR on Christmas Eve. Read it with someone you love.
2000-12-11
That's right, folks! It's back again, better than before, like Rocky VI or some shit. The Third Annual Pigdog Journal Christmas Essay Contest! You can practically smell the Christmas Magic!
2000-01-06
Man, I bet you, the general public, have pretty much had enough of the sporadic serial publication of Pigdog Journal Second Annual Christmas Essay Contest winners and honorable mentions and stuff! But don't forget, CHRISTMAS AIN'T OVER YET. So KEEP READING, DAMMIT!
1999-12-27
This is one of the fabu entries in our Pigdog Journal Second Annual Christmas Essay Contest. It is honorable, so we mention it. It manages to weave Hitler, cryonics, and etoys.com into a single narrative thread. Beaujolais! Enjoy!
1999-12-26
Huzzah! A second prize winner in our fabuloso Pigdog Journal Second Annual Christmas Essay Contest! This one is from our VERY OWN Ms. Bunnypenny! Wee haw!
1999-12-25
Christmas day, for the last 17 or so years has bored me. I find that the real fun and excitement always takes place on Christmas Eve. Every other year, it's the excitement of the metaphorical hunt instead of the kill. Otherwise, it's just plain bad craziness.
1999-12-25
The results are in! Pigdog Journal's expert array of AI software essay-judging programs have returned a result -- and what a result it is!
1999-12-22
Hooray! It's that time of year again! The Season of Caring and Sharing! When all the people of the world come together in the Joy of the Season! And Pigdog Journal is so full of MAUDLIN COMMERCIALLY-MANUFACTURED EMOTION and SAPPY SACCHARINE CHRISTMAS SPIRIT that we're having YET ANOTHER Christmas Essay Contest!
1999-12-13
Once again, you've found yourself with a holiday shopping list a mile long. You have no idea what to get for anyone, and all the stores are packed with shoppers with a staving piranha mindset! May we suggest that you let The Stranger be your guide?
1998-12-28
OK, well, more Pigdog staffers came in with Christmas wish lists over the weekend. I don't know what these are supposed to prove, but I'd be remiss not to report them -- if only to publicly record their dreams, so when they're dashed on 12/25/1999, we can all laugh at them.
1998-12-27
Pao Tzu's Christmas essay comes in a few days late and a few dollars short. But, considering that no one else but he and Lenny submitted essays, he gets the 1st Runner-up prize in the Pigdog Journal Christmas Essay Contest. Sure, it's a travesty of justice, but what can you do?
1998-12-27
Hospital workers at San Francisco General have reported a 15th emergency-room case involving the deviant sexual practice of "furbiling". City health officials have formed a task force to raise public awareness of this problem.
1998-12-25
Lenny Tuberose, Grand Prize Winner of the Pigdog Journal Christmas Essay Contest, presents a heart-warming tale of what Christmas is all about: brutal assaults and substance abuse. Destined to be a Christmas classic!
1998-12-25
We realize it's getting a little late in the game for you to get presents for the Pigdog Journal staff like you really should. But some of us are a little disappointed with this year's take and we thought we'd give the Fat Man one more chance to come through with the goods. And, no, we don't mean J.L. McCabe.
1998-12-24
OK, here's one classic example of poor re-use of military technology: NORAD, AKA the Nuke Spooks, are using your tax dollars to supposedly "track" Santa Claus through the Northern Hemisphere. What a crock of shit!
Offsite links shared by staff writers
2022-12-16
The "California Christmas" song (from the show "Crazy Ex-Girlfriend")
2001-12-09
1999-12-25
T O P S T O R I E S
California Glory Hole attracts huge crowds
A glory hole at Napa's Lake Berryessa is drawing huge crowds. According to Chris Lee, the general manager for the Solano County Water Agency, the glory hole hasn't been active since 2019, and only restarted operations on Feb 4. (More...)
Republican State Senator busted after soliciting a teenage girl
Republican State Senator Justin Eichorn of Minnesota was arrested for soliciting a teen girl on Monday just hours after he introduced a bill proposing "Trump derangement syndrome" (TDS) as a form of mental illness. (More...)
Parents claim measles is not that bad after having only one child die
The parents of a Texas girl who died from the measles are defending their decision not to vaccinate their daughter. "She says they would still say 'Don't do the shots,'" an unidentified translator for the parents said. "They think it’s not as bad as the media is making it out to be." (More...)
Delusional rich man tries to fire town staff
"I'm mayor now" said write-in mayoral candidate and founder of Pirate’s Booty Snacks Robert Ehrlich after losing the election for Mayor of Sea Cliff, NY. Then he tried to take over the Village Hall and fire everyone. (More...)
Musk claims Xitter security is staffed by idiots
Earlier this month Xitter experienced a massive outage. In an interview, Musk told Fox Business that he believes the attack came from "IP addresses originating in the Ukraine area." (More...)
The Future Ain't What It Used To Be
Ideas have taken horrifying shape and rooted into our modern reality. (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
Johnny Royale loves his Trackman ultra pointer thingy. It's coolio! Read all about it! (More...)
A Blast from the Past! Pao Tzu goes over and under the crucial variables in the production and consumption of Salvia Divinorum. A must read for psychonauts of all stripes. (More...)
A Nobel Prize-Winning Author Describes Liquor
Curled up cozy with a good book? All warm and snuggly and thinking about friends far away? So am I, reading the greatest story by the greatest writer -- when he suddenly starts waxing philosophical about liquor! (More...)
My experiment is a failure. Rockstar-and-Robitussin tastes like day-after-Halloween bile. I'm trying to choke down enough to discover the effects, but no matter what those are one thing is certain at the outset: what I have discovered is not a Beverage, but a pale green and angry iced abomination.
You were right: science is not for the weak of will nor stomach. (More...)
The Liquidation of Hobo Junction
Albany, CA's homeless hooverville by the Bay, "Hobo Junction," is going to be torn down by The Man. Entrances are already being blocked off, and it's now difficult and dangerous to get there. Worse, these obstacles are making it hard to get to the nearby HORSE TRACK on foot. Local historian, Pao Tzu, has an overview of situation. (More...)
Brother Wayne Lays Down the Truth
Flesh interviews Wayne Kramer of MC5. (More...)
