Build Date: Sat Apr 19 12:30:22 2025 UTC
You know, these beers are only the beginning...
-- El Snatcher
Lee Roy: So Beautifully Can Be No Man However
1999-08-05 00:56:16
I love this page. Comically speaking, it's so drop-dead perfect in its recasting of the old "German guy who speaks very little English translating stuff from German to English" theme that, at first read, it looks like one of the best EuroDuh parodies you've ever encountered. Well, it's NOT. It's REAL.
It's this magazine called Zitti, and this is their online version, helpfully translated into stultifyingly obtuse pidgin English. And though there's lots of good stuff to look at in Zitti ("Authentic Adventures: Ecstasy Maggot in Berlin!" and "Fucking Airport: Moist Dreams After Stewardessenart"), it's the interview with "Leroy: So Beautiful, No Man Look Like Him" that really stands out when you need a good fix in the gut-whompin' category.
Look at this: some horrible looking bald guy in a bathtub with a demented, decidedly unappetizing expression on his Teutonic phiz, and they're all making like this is the Deutsch Johnny Wadd or somesuch. "I only sit in the bathtub, drink champagnes and leave me with it the feet pedicures," says glamorous porn star "Lee Roy"; "to the one, there is only fully in the most Schwulenproduktionen unglamouröse 250 marks per staged Fick," boasts helpful, swooning Zitti mag. That Lee Roy is so dreamy!
It makes no sense. Or it makes utter nonsense. In either case, this is possibly the most perfect interview in the whole history of people interviewing other people. "In 'techno Dream,' 'swollen leather shorts' and 'Authentic Adventures' mimes the always-horny he/it, dominanten Rammelbock, that unmerciful all rannimmt, what doesn't come sufficiently quickly on the trees," the interviewer states boldly, followed by a classic Lee Roy riposte: "That is approximately so, as you would stand in the middle of the department store, and the people perform her/its/their purchases, while you do your matters there."
Still, Lee Roy is realistic about his life in German porno hell: "Sexuality has simply received another status with me, she/it has strictly speaking even lost status, because I have enjoyed life so many matters. Just like recently approximately, as he/it played along at a Cologne production-company with a pee porno." Ah yes, the pee porno story! "The more the trick drifts off into represented emotions over the sexual history however, the throws you that more from your emotional balance."
I think I sort of understand where he's coming from. While you're reading all about boy Lee Roy, be sure to check out Sexual Night Fever, Zitti's thrilling encapsulation of an orgy at a sex club replete with tales of "lacquer-pants" and a "hairy perseverance back."
T O P S T O R I E S
California Glory Hole attracts huge crowds
A glory hole at Napa's Lake Berryessa is drawing huge crowds. According to Chris Lee, the general manager for the Solano County Water Agency, the glory hole hasn't been active since 2019, and only restarted operations on Feb 4. (More...)
Republican State Senator busted after soliciting a teenage girl
Republican State Senator Justin Eichorn of Minnesota was arrested for soliciting a teen girl on Monday just hours after he introduced a bill proposing "Trump derangement syndrome" (TDS) as a form of mental illness. (More...)
Parents claim measles is not that bad after having only one child die
The parents of a Texas girl who died from the measles are defending their decision not to vaccinate their daughter. "She says they would still say 'Don't do the shots,'" an unidentified translator for the parents said. "They think it’s not as bad as the media is making it out to be." (More...)
Delusional rich man tries to fire town staff
"I'm mayor now" said write-in mayoral candidate and founder of Pirate’s Booty Snacks Robert Ehrlich after losing the election for Mayor of Sea Cliff, NY. Then he tried to take over the Village Hall and fire everyone. (More...)
Musk claims Xitter security is staffed by idiots
Earlier this month Xitter experienced a massive outage. In an interview, Musk told Fox Business that he believes the attack came from "IP addresses originating in the Ukraine area." (More...)
The Future Ain't What It Used To Be
Ideas have taken horrifying shape and rooted into our modern reality. (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
Johnnie Royale's Guide to Wakes
Wakes can present problems for Bad People of the Future. (If you don't know what a BPotF is, you need to read more of the PDJ.) Sure, your friend is gone and you miss him and that really sucks; it does, I know. But all Bad People of the Future are gonna die, and they have all accepted that fact. They do deserve, however, to have one final kickass party to celebrate all the bad things they've done in the past, present and future. And you, as a friend, have to make sure that their desire for a final send off is well executed (sorry for the pun). That's just the way of BPotFdom. (More...)
It's winter in Idaho, and Boise personality "Lego-Man" reports on how he celebrated Thanksgiving. "I fed my wife, mother and sister wine slurpies!" (More...)
What the hell is going on with Sony?
Is anyone else as confused as I am with what's happening with the Sony Playstation network hack? (More...)
Brother Wayne Lays Down the Truth
Flesh interviews Wayne Kramer of MC5. (More...)
We here in SMRL's Beverage Research Lab realize that there is more to life than just drinking spocktails. It's important to have other activities. One such activity that we wholeheartedly support is dancing six or more hours to Trance music. So we have designed a drink to accommodate this. (More...)
Report from Spiritual Machines
Arkuat gives you the inside scoop on the "Spiritual Machines" panel and conclave. Wacky excitement ensues! (More...)