Build Date: Thu Apr 17 10:30:12 2025 UTC
If Zach dropped a bottle of $69 dollar liquor, I think I would kill him.
-- Johnnie Royale
Missing Parts of Planet Earth
2000-05-01 22:17:58
Those crazy physicists have re-weighed the Earth and found it missing a few pounds -- 6,000,000,000,000,000 metric TONS to be exact!!! And I don't know about you, but that seems like a FUCK OF A LOT OF WEIGHT TO ME.
Fuckin' A, I'm happy to just lose 5 pounds, and the Earth lost the equivalent of the several large mountain ranges and the top 20,000 feet of Canadia. (Sadly, Canadia is still there.) But that's not the scary thing, see? Cause the Earth is supposed to look like an oversized blue and white beach ball and not some svelte super model with big hooters. That's the way I like the Earth, big, fat and ROUND (tho' don't get me wrong -- Pigdog is still for super models with big hooters). And we aren't looking for it to change. Especially with the global population skyrocketing -- what we don't need is for the planet to get smaller. Face it, the smaller the Earth is, the closer I am to you -- and that suxs.
So where did those missing pounds go? Scientists are still confused. They are talking about the G thing -- you know, one of the fundamental constants of the universe that doesn't change -- and they are changing it. Well, I'm not buying that.
Quite frankly, the most logical explanation to me is Ay-leens are stealing our planet bit by bit, turning mountains into valleys. I'm not sure if it is the Grays or the Greens or some splinter group. And I'm also not sure if it's cause they hate us so bad and want to make earth so small that we kill each other just to sleep laying down -- like on that TOS episode where there are too many people -- or if those Ay-leens are stealing our planet to enlarge their own and just don't give a rat's ass about us.
Either way it is time to arm ourselves and prepare to fight the "Last Battle of the Planet Earth." Join us NOW.
T O P S T O R I E S
California Glory Hole attracts huge crowds
A glory hole at Napa's Lake Berryessa is drawing huge crowds. According to Chris Lee, the general manager for the Solano County Water Agency, the glory hole hasn't been active since 2019, and only restarted operations on Feb 4. (More...)
Republican State Senator busted after soliciting a teenage girl
Republican State Senator Justin Eichorn of Minnesota was arrested for soliciting a teen girl on Monday just hours after he introduced a bill proposing "Trump derangement syndrome" (TDS) as a form of mental illness. (More...)
Parents claim measles is not that bad after having only one child die
The parents of a Texas girl who died from the measles are defending their decision not to vaccinate their daughter. "She says they would still say 'Don't do the shots,'" an unidentified translator for the parents said. "They think it’s not as bad as the media is making it out to be." (More...)
Delusional rich man tries to fire town staff
"I'm mayor now" said write-in mayoral candidate and founder of Pirate’s Booty Snacks Robert Ehrlich after losing the election for Mayor of Sea Cliff, NY. Then he tried to take over the Village Hall and fire everyone. (More...)
Musk claims Xitter security is staffed by idiots
Earlier this month Xitter experienced a massive outage. In an interview, Musk told Fox Business that he believes the attack came from "IP addresses originating in the Ukraine area." (More...)
The Future Ain't What It Used To Be
Ideas have taken horrifying shape and rooted into our modern reality. (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
Skunk School -- Learn Why Not To Keep Skunks As Pets
There is an alarming trend in pet purchasing habits this fall. People inspired by the WWII film, "Life is Beautiful" -- the one with that annoying Italian guy -- are buying descented skunks by the millions. (More...)
Pigdog dispatched special correspondent Ratsnatcher for a holiday reconnaissance of America's frozen hell. After ten days of silence, our shortwave radio cackled with Ratsnatcher's static-filled transmission. (More...)
This week: another fine spocktail from the beverage researchers at SMRL! Drink it in peace, because WE DID THE RESEARCH! (More...)
A Nobel Prize-Winning Author Describes Liquor
Curled up cozy with a good book? All warm and snuggly and thinking about friends far away? So am I, reading the greatest story by the greatest writer -- when he suddenly starts waxing philosophical about liquor! (More...)
Johnnie Royale's Guide to Wakes
Wakes can present problems for Bad People of the Future. (If you don't know what a BPotF is, you need to read more of the PDJ.) Sure, your friend is gone and you miss him and that really sucks; it does, I know. But all Bad People of the Future are gonna die, and they have all accepted that fact. They do deserve, however, to have one final kickass party to celebrate all the bad things they've done in the past, present and future. And you, as a friend, have to make sure that their desire for a final send off is well executed (sorry for the pun). That's just the way of BPotFdom. (More...)
Three Days and 25 Spocktails: A Cautionary Tale
Johnnie Royale picked me up from the dental surgery. I felt warm, safe, cradled in the anathesia's loving embrace. The pharmacy downstairs gave me a bottle of Vicodin and a few instructions: take it with food, don't mix with alcohol, don't operate heavy machinery. I put it in my pocket and we left. "Do you want to go home, or do you want to go to a bar?" asked Johnnie. (More...)
