Build Date: Sat Apr 26 10:11:06 2025 UTC
But that was pretty cool how Steven Segal faxed for help using his Newton on that hijacked train in "Under Siege 2." You never know when you might need something less conspicous than a laptop.
-- Ratsnatcher
Things Are More Like They Used To Be Than They Have Ever Been Before
2003-05-06 05:21:37
Wherein Our Protagonist meets girl, dates girl, marries girl, makes girl pretend to be sister, they become famous, he plays guitar and sings like he was possessed by the undead supernatural spirits of Roberts Johnson and Plant, respectively, while she plays drums, at which she is considered to be quite decent. This story has a happy ending, not the least of which when it is revealed that Robert Plant has made a miraculous recovery from being a zombie:
The White Stripes
Elephant
V2 Records
Rating: Eleven out of Four Stars. Seventeen thumbs up.
"I'm gonna live with the Cinammon Girl," he said. It was the first thing he'd said in weeks. His roommates were too stoned to notice, but had they been able to sense it, they would have felt perhaps what Ahab felt when he realized for the first of many, many times that although he had lived long, the fish would live longer, and because of that he had lived too long. "I could be happy," he muttered, "the rest of my life."
"Eternal life is now on my trail," he said dumbly. "Got my red glitter coffin, man; just need one last nail." And with this last his lips turned up into a grin or recognition, pleased with himself, pleased, at last, to be living the larger side of life, at least here in his dreams, and if these were not dreams, what could they be? And his roommates also would have noticed this change, had they been able, and it would not have seemed very odd to them that the young man was smiling and saying these words, but that he was talking at all. Had they been able to pinpoint it.
But it seemed like he was dancing, and making dance-like movements with his feet, above shuffling in the order of things, but no balletry this. This was sex movement, with sex intentions. There is really no polite way to say this. He fucked air; sweaty phantoms were humped within the twisty ravines of his mind, which was, and this is the really inexplicable part, starting to open up to old things made new again, and at the very least. I want the bad one, he said. I want the one with the bad stuff.
Moving freely now, not even dancing, just twitching like a paper skeleton, the air bobbing him here and here: "Oh my lord a oh my god ah my baby don't like it like that." Random fits of punching air previously seduced by beastly imagination, he cried: he cried. Tears were now streaming down his face as cried out to a mother who wasn't there, a lover not yet introduced. But, oh, this introduction.... "It was a baby boy, so we bought him a toy, a ray-gun, 1981, oh this is fun."
...and now he is moving down the stairs, coming fully awake. He is possessed of whatever this is now and he will go where it takes him. This is the choice he has made and there he goes. You can watch him stumbling down the street holding something red and white clutching it as if his entire life depended on it.
And now the house is still, less one occupant. Had his roommates been able to sense any of this, they would have noticed him leave but not having seen the look on his face not the reason he is never coming back. Had his roommates been able to sense any of this.
But no, his roommates had not been able to sense any of this; they were lulled and chopped and formed and entirely comfortable with their beliefs and a lustful stirring shall not move them. A Republican in my White House. A sports utility vehicle in my garage. A rap/metal fusion product in my compact disc player. They are hideous, and we mention them only to tint their passing with less than the expected regret, because it was at this moment that a passing airliner exploded overhead and the rearmost passenger section, rows 80-144 inclusive, fell as one piece onto the house, killing everyone and every thing inside of it.
And somewhere not very close but not too far away, not at all: Jack White is laughing and pointing at you and drawing up lines. You can dance if you want to.
T O P S T O R I E S
California Glory Hole attracts huge crowds
A glory hole at Napa's Lake Berryessa is drawing huge crowds. According to Chris Lee, the general manager for the Solano County Water Agency, the glory hole hasn't been active since 2019, and only restarted operations on Feb 4. (More...)
Republican State Senator busted after soliciting a teenage girl
Republican State Senator Justin Eichorn of Minnesota was arrested for soliciting a teen girl on Monday just hours after he introduced a bill proposing "Trump derangement syndrome" (TDS) as a form of mental illness. (More...)
Parents claim measles is not that bad after having only one child die
The parents of a Texas girl who died from the measles are defending their decision not to vaccinate their daughter. "She says they would still say 'Don't do the shots,'" an unidentified translator for the parents said. "They think it’s not as bad as the media is making it out to be." (More...)
Delusional rich man tries to fire town staff
"I'm mayor now" said write-in mayoral candidate and founder of Pirate’s Booty Snacks Robert Ehrlich after losing the election for Mayor of Sea Cliff, NY. Then he tried to take over the Village Hall and fire everyone. (More...)
Musk claims Xitter security is staffed by idiots
Earlier this month Xitter experienced a massive outage. In an interview, Musk told Fox Business that he believes the attack came from "IP addresses originating in the Ukraine area." (More...)
The Future Ain't What It Used To Be
Ideas have taken horrifying shape and rooted into our modern reality. (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
Johnnie Royale's Guide to Wakes
Wakes can present problems for Bad People of the Future. (If you don't know what a BPotF is, you need to read more of the PDJ.) Sure, your friend is gone and you miss him and that really sucks; it does, I know. But all Bad People of the Future are gonna die, and they have all accepted that fact. They do deserve, however, to have one final kickass party to celebrate all the bad things they've done in the past, present and future. And you, as a friend, have to make sure that their desire for a final send off is well executed (sorry for the pun). That's just the way of BPotFdom. (More...)
Poor Metallica. All they want is to continue to put out the same weak "Heavy Metal" they've been churning out since the "And Justice For All" days? and make gooey wads of cash in the process. The problem is, people aren't buying their bound for the heavy metal scrap heap, over-produced, uninspired, tired crap. And let's face it, their various commercial endorsements won't pay for the lifestyle they've become comfortably accustomed to. Resorting to lawsuits makes perfect sense, when you need spending money. But just one lawsuit isn't going to pay their bills. So, to aid Metallica, I've composed an open letter to the boys in the band, with suggestions as to whom else they might sic their lapdog lawyers on... (More...)
Songs Of Love And Special Things
Well, dear reader, there's no denying it: Spring has sprung. The air is pungent with the fertile aroma of Romance. And you know what goes with Romance, don't you? That's right, Lover, porn. And not just any porn, but the kind you can sing along to. (More...)
One of our star reporters was sent to Comdex by his employer. El Destino reports live from the biggest, geekiest trade show in the world. (More...)
Pigdog brings you SETI astronomer Seth Shostak to bring you the truth about Ay-leens (More...)
Vacationing from Somnambulant Narrow Realities
So about six months ago, I was chilling in Chang Mai, Thailand with ICBINJ, perursing the Bangkok Times over my banana pancake and Big Chang breakfast when I spotted this article reprinted from the LA Times. It was about some kooks from California (where else?) who were claiming to have been to the front lines in Afgahnistan in mid-December and had recorded the whole feat on their website. "Holy Fuck!" I thought, "Now That's web journalism. Who are these guys!?" (More...)