Build Date: Tue Oct 29 14:10:12 2024 UTC
A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.
-- W.C. Fields
Ass play stops heart attacks
2024-04-03 17:49:00
In 2010 Dr. Cheng-Huai Ruan discovered a way to cause a patient with an abnormal heartbeat to get back into a normal rhythm by sticking a finger up the patient's ass.
The details are covered in the report Instantly Converting Atrial Fibrillation into Sinus Rhythm by a Digital Rectal Exam on a 29-year-Old Male.
The paper states that Vagal maneuvers cause increase in vagal tone, which has been shown to slow many types supraventricular tachycardia, such as atrial fibrillation (AF). However, the conversion of AF to sinus rhythm is usually not associated with vagal manuvers. Thus, AF is classically treated with medication and electrical cardioversion. Here, we present a 29-year-old male with no cardiovascular history and a low atherosclerotic risk profile who developed AF which converted into sinus rhythm immediately after a digital rectal exam. The patient remained asymptomatic after a 3-month follow-up. This implies that the digital rectal exam can be considered as an additional attempt to convert AF to sinus rhythm in AF patients.
To break that down:
"Vagal maneuvers cause increase in vagal tone" -- "vagal maneuvers" means massaging certain areas around the heart and neck.
"has been shown to slow many types supraventricular tachycardia" -- this type of massage can help to slow down a fast or erratic heartbeat.
"such as atrial fibrillation (AF)" -- a type of erratic heartbeat.
"However, the conversion of AF to sinus rhythm is usually not associated with vagal manuvers." -- you usually can't get someone with an erratic heartbeat to return to a normal rhythm just by massaging their neck.
"Thus, AF is classically treated with medication and electrical cardioversion" -- since massage is no good, if someone has an erratic heartbeat we give them drugs or zap them with electricity.
"Here, we present a 29-year-old male with no cardiovascular history and a low atherosclerotic risk profile who developed AF which converted into sinus rhythm" -- we had a 29 year old male patient who had an erratic heartbeat and we fixed it.
"immediately after a digital rectal exam" -- I stuck one of my digits (fingers) up his ass to see what was going on up there. Since he has an irregular heartbeat before I finger-banged him and a normal heartbeat after, finger-banging his ass is what fixed him.
"The patient remained asymptomatic after a 3-month follow-up." -- the patient continued to have a normal heartbeat when he came in for a follow-up visit 3 months later.
"This implies that the digital rectal exam can be considered as an additional attempt to convert AF to sinus rhythm in AF patients." -- If you have a patient with an irregular heartbeat, try sticking a finger up their ass and see what happens.
Dr. Ruan made the discovery while working at the New York Hospital Medical Center of Queens/Weil Cornell Medical College Affiliated Hospital, Department of Internal Medicine in Flushing, NY.
T O P S T O R I E S
Another Nobel Prize-Winning Author Describes Drunkenness
This book won a Pulitzer Prize. Here's its famous paragraph on getting drunk... (More...)
'Why I'm pretty sure JD Vance had sex with a couch'
True or false? The answers await us in that magical land where all truths are revealed -- the internet. (More...)
WKRP in Cincinnati aired from 1978 through 1982. Howard Hesseman played Dr. Johnny Fever, a DJ from Los Angeles who was fired from his previous job for saying the word "booger" on the air. In the show Hesseman would do some dialogue, introduce a song, and start the song. You'd hear a few notes, but never the whole song. (More...)
SF Hippies Can't Get Their Act Together
The annual 420 Hippie Hill event in Golden Gate Park, where large crowds of hippies, wannabe hippies, and hippie poseurs drape themselves in tie dye t-shirts and gather on a hill on 4/20 to smoke weed, was cancelled this year because the organizers couldn't get their act together. (More...)
Mozart to be inducted into the Rock 'n Roll Hall of Fame
Joining such hard-rocking inductees as Abba, Chet Atkins, Nat King Cole, and Neil Diamond, the Rock 'n Roll Hall of Fame is proud to induct Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart. (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
The end of summer is near and sirens call of Black Rock City are beginning to summons Pigdoggers from all of the world to Burning Man. Spock Mountain Research Labs (SMRL), the world leader in beverage science and leisure technology will be at our second home for a week at 5:00 and Infant (how fitting) as we enjoy the liberated lifestyle of a temporary community 200 miles from nowhere... (More...)
Things to Say When You're Losing a Technical Argument
Mr. Bad and Crackmonkey collaborate on a fine Mr. Bad's List. We put together ALL the TECHNOLOGY you ever need to know in order to STUMP your OPPONENT in a technical argument. Use these only when your back is against the wall -- they're definitely desperation tactics. (More...)
A Day in the Life of a Beverotologist
It was starting to look like a very boring Saturday, trapped as I was in the suburban wastelands of the outer Bay Area, so I called my Able Assistant (AA) and proposed that we perform some Spocktail field tests. For some time I've been working on creating the quintessential cinematic beverage and even tho' SMRL does most of its testing during nocturnal hours, this seemed an opportune time to roll up the sleeves of our labcoats and get some science done. While the beverotology creation tested this day (The Neurotoxin) must be deemed a success, this article focuses more the journey of the experimenters, rather then the science of beverotology. (More...)
Pigdog dispatched special correspondent Ratsnatcher for a holiday reconnaissance of America's frozen hell. After ten days of silence, our shortwave radio cackled with Ratsnatcher's static-filled transmission. (More...)
Our team of crack journalists went insane, and made the drive from Concord, California to Concord, New Hasmpshire on Interstate 80. Read the insightful observations of our intrepid travelers made on their journey into the heartland. (More...)
About 14 years ago when I was on a road trip and stopped in Seattle, I was invited to a party. At this party there were these little tiny glasses sitting in a flat-bottomed bowl of ice. Thin cylinders about an inch in diameter and 4 inches tall, with thick glass at the bottom. Into these were poured frozen AKVAVIT... also known as the water of life. (More...)