Build Date: Thu Apr 3 02:10:14 2025 UTC
Fuq, okay, so I'm writing this little report while pretty goddamn drunk off of all teh shit that we drank tonight.
-- Crackmonkey
Ass play stops heart attacks
2024-04-03 17:49:00
In 2010 Dr. Cheng-Huai Ruan discovered a way to cause a patient with an abnormal heartbeat to get back into a normal rhythm by sticking a finger up the patient's ass.
The details are covered in the report Instantly Converting Atrial Fibrillation into Sinus Rhythm by a Digital Rectal Exam on a 29-year-Old Male.
The paper states that Vagal maneuvers cause increase in vagal tone, which has been shown to slow many types supraventricular tachycardia, such as atrial fibrillation (AF). However, the conversion of AF to sinus rhythm is usually not associated with vagal manuvers. Thus, AF is classically treated with medication and electrical cardioversion. Here, we present a 29-year-old male with no cardiovascular history and a low atherosclerotic risk profile who developed AF which converted into sinus rhythm immediately after a digital rectal exam. The patient remained asymptomatic after a 3-month follow-up. This implies that the digital rectal exam can be considered as an additional attempt to convert AF to sinus rhythm in AF patients.
To break that down:
"Vagal maneuvers cause increase in vagal tone" -- "vagal maneuvers" means massaging certain areas around the heart and neck.
"has been shown to slow many types supraventricular tachycardia" -- this type of massage can help to slow down a fast or erratic heartbeat.
"such as atrial fibrillation (AF)" -- a type of erratic heartbeat.
"However, the conversion of AF to sinus rhythm is usually not associated with vagal manuvers." -- you usually can't get someone with an erratic heartbeat to return to a normal rhythm just by massaging their neck.
"Thus, AF is classically treated with medication and electrical cardioversion" -- since massage is no good, if someone has an erratic heartbeat we give them drugs or zap them with electricity.
"Here, we present a 29-year-old male with no cardiovascular history and a low atherosclerotic risk profile who developed AF which converted into sinus rhythm" -- we had a 29 year old male patient who had an erratic heartbeat and we fixed it.
"immediately after a digital rectal exam" -- I stuck one of my digits (fingers) up his ass to see what was going on up there. Since he has an irregular heartbeat before I finger-banged him and a normal heartbeat after, finger-banging his ass is what fixed him.
"The patient remained asymptomatic after a 3-month follow-up." -- the patient continued to have a normal heartbeat when he came in for a follow-up visit 3 months later.
"This implies that the digital rectal exam can be considered as an additional attempt to convert AF to sinus rhythm in AF patients." -- If you have a patient with an irregular heartbeat, try sticking a finger up their ass and see what happens.
Dr. Ruan made the discovery while working at the New York Hospital Medical Center of Queens/Weil Cornell Medical College Affiliated Hospital, Department of Internal Medicine in Flushing, NY.
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