Build Date: Sat Apr 19 09:20:11 2025 UTC
When we get to legitimate threats of physical violence... you'll know that we are starting phase two.
-- Johnnie Royale
The Single Worst Thing Ever
2002-04-18 14:39:55
OK, this is the worst Assman ever. There will never be anything worse than this. Consider this category condemned, with extreme prejudice.
I wasn't really expecting this, but now that I've seen it I see that there was really no reason to ever expect anything less. Fuck, I should have known. Well, that's it for the Assmen, I guess.
It's all my fault. I broke the Ass machine. The Vegas Principle should have given me enough forewarning to deal with something as hideous as this thing. In Vegas, for example, there's a real chance every time you pull the handle on the slot machine that the handle will just fall off... or your arm... or you might just fall right off your stool, where you'll slump to the ground with a wet, sucking sound and puddle into a thin layer of boozy flesh, but they won't let you lay there for long. Oh no. Vegas has a very efficient method for dealing with human puddles of goo. Pretty soon you're vacuumed up by a big metal robot and sent off to the Soylent Green factory. You won't remember anything again. But don't let that, ah, unpleasantness disturb you. Just keep it weird enough to hold yourself together. Just keep pulling that handle. You might just win big. Vegas loves a risk-taker.
Like me. Behold the link. The Final Assman. There are no more.
Now all is darkness.
T O P S T O R I E S
California Glory Hole attracts huge crowds
A glory hole at Napa's Lake Berryessa is drawing huge crowds. According to Chris Lee, the general manager for the Solano County Water Agency, the glory hole hasn't been active since 2019, and only restarted operations on Feb 4. (More...)
Republican State Senator busted after soliciting a teenage girl
Republican State Senator Justin Eichorn of Minnesota was arrested for soliciting a teen girl on Monday just hours after he introduced a bill proposing "Trump derangement syndrome" (TDS) as a form of mental illness. (More...)
Parents claim measles is not that bad after having only one child die
The parents of a Texas girl who died from the measles are defending their decision not to vaccinate their daughter. "She says they would still say 'Don't do the shots,'" an unidentified translator for the parents said. "They think it’s not as bad as the media is making it out to be." (More...)
Delusional rich man tries to fire town staff
"I'm mayor now" said write-in mayoral candidate and founder of Pirate’s Booty Snacks Robert Ehrlich after losing the election for Mayor of Sea Cliff, NY. Then he tried to take over the Village Hall and fire everyone. (More...)
Musk claims Xitter security is staffed by idiots
Earlier this month Xitter experienced a massive outage. In an interview, Musk told Fox Business that he believes the attack came from "IP addresses originating in the Ukraine area." (More...)
The Future Ain't What It Used To Be
Ideas have taken horrifying shape and rooted into our modern reality. (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
Johnny Royale loves his Trackman ultra pointer thingy. It's coolio! Read all about it! (More...)
Paranoid Strippers & Psychotic Crack Dealers (Tales of Christmas Eve)
Christmas day, for the last 17 or so years has bored me. I find that the real fun and excitement always takes place on Christmas Eve. Every other year, it's the excitement of the metaphorical hunt instead of the kill. Otherwise, it's just plain bad craziness. (More...)
Clowns Take on God in Mysterious Annual Ceremony
Last Sunday's (the 6th) Grimaldi Service at a small church in East London was a red-letter day for clowns worldwide. About a hundred old-school red-nosed clowns made the sombre trip to darkest Dalston to pay their respects to clowns who died in the last year and to thank God for the gift of laughter in a bizarre ceremony presided over by the eccentric Reverend Clown Roly, resplendent in a garish red lumberjack shirt with oversized gold lapels. (More...)
Patient Joab's scientifick editorial discusses aspect of the space-time-beer continuum never before processed by sub-bush-robot minds!!! Too fabulantastic to contempulate! (More...)
The Ancient and Correct Sake Ceremony
Many Americans have learned to appreciate the delicate, sophisticated flavors of Japanese food and drink, along with the beautifully refined rituals of Japanese dining. San Francisco, as a gateway between East and West, has especially benefited from the flowering of Eastern consciousness in America. It is hardly possible to walk down the street without stepping on somebody's sushi. (More...)
Still Up For the Party? America's Dance Floors Are Graying
Raving over 30 doesn't have to be embarassing anymore. (More...)
