Build Date: Thu Mar 27 07:40:27 2025 UTC
Use the Force Scotty, beam me up!
-- Gandalf
Disoriented Walken Forced to Make Movie About Cartoon Bears for Disney; Prognosis Grim, Say Experts
2002-04-22 17:18:15
Here's an item that's been banging around the Pigdog offices for quite a while, but has seemed too horrifying to actually comment on. Until now. Slow news day and all.
Christopher Walken is starring in the upcoming Disney flick "The Country Bears," based on the Walt Disney World (and until recently, Disneyland) animatronic show "Country Bear Jamboree." The movie stars Walken, a human actor of some renown, and a cast of animated bears voiced by various celebrities. Walken plays an evil banker, apparently, who is trying to shut down the Country Bear Jamboree.
This is not a joke. Walken actually read the script and then signed a contract. Everything is all legal and official-like. ''He loved working with the bears,'' the film's director, Peter Hastings says. ''He was fascinated by how they live together with the humans without comment.''
Hastings, whose single previous directorial credit was the "Flyndiggery Do!" episode of "Disney's One Saturday Morning" cartoon series, seems not to understand the specific gravity of the situation he's stumbled into: ''Typically, when I say I am doing a movie based on the Country Bears, people say, 'Really?' But after explaining the approach for 10 minutes, they become interested.''
Ten whole minutes. And Christopher Walken was facinated by how the bears live with the humans and how no one says "Hey, those bears are living with those humans." And giant buckets of money were dumped into this production, literal tons of filthy green lucre. And there will be a Christopher Walken toy coming soon to your Happy Meal.
You can't make this shit up. A sequel is already planned. Did I mention that the movie also stars Willie Nelson and Queen Latifah? Yes, yes it does.
Someone get hold of Walken immediately and vigorously shake him. Then run away real fast, because one of these days the Percocet is finally going to wear off and he's gonna be real, real mad.
T O P S T O R I E S
California Glory Hole attracts huge crowds
A glory hole at Napa's Lake Berryessa is drawing huge crowds. According to Chris Lee, the general manager for the Solano County Water Agency, the glory hole hasn't been active since 2019, and only restarted operations on Feb 4. (More...)
Republican State Senator busted after soliciting a teenage girl
Republican State Senator Justin Eichorn of Minnesota was arrested for soliciting a teen girl on Monday just hours after he introduced a bill proposing "Trump derangement syndrome" (TDS) as a form of mental illness. (More...)
Parents claim measles is not that bad after having only one child die
The parents of a Texas girl who died from the measles are defending their decision not to vaccinate their daughter. "She says they would still say 'Don't do the shots,'" an unidentified translator for the parents said. "They think it’s not as bad as the media is making it out to be." (More...)
Delusional rich man tries to fire town staff
"I'm mayor now" said write-in mayoral candidate and founder of Pirate’s Booty Snacks Robert Ehrlich after losing the election for Mayor of Sea Cliff, NY. Then he tried to take over the Village Hall and fire everyone. (More...)
Musk claims Xitter security is staffed by idiots
Earlier this month Xitter experienced a massive outage. In an interview, Musk told Fox Business that he believes the attack came from "IP addresses originating in the Ukraine area." (More...)
The Future Ain't What It Used To Be
Ideas have taken horrifying shape and rooted into our modern reality. (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
A Day in the Life of a Beverotologist
It was starting to look like a very boring Saturday, trapped as I was in the suburban wastelands of the outer Bay Area, so I called my Able Assistant (AA) and proposed that we perform some Spocktail field tests. For some time I've been working on creating the quintessential cinematic beverage and even tho' SMRL does most of its testing during nocturnal hours, this seemed an opportune time to roll up the sleeves of our labcoats and get some science done. While the beverotology creation tested this day (The Neurotoxin) must be deemed a success, this article focuses more the journey of the experimenters, rather then the science of beverotology. (More...)
So I was walking around the Tenderloin looking for stray twenty-dollar-bills that might have fallen into gutters, and I was thinking, as I often do, about my mother. (More...)
It's winter in Idaho, and Boise personality "Lego-Man" reports on how he celebrated Thanksgiving. "I fed my wife, mother and sister wine slurpies!" (More...)
It’s election night. My wife and I are holed-up in this hotel that my political party has rented out for the evening. Outside, people are being violently beaten for whom they voted for. Is this South Africa? Perhaps we’re in Haiti or some Southern state during the 60’s. Of all the places where this sort of thing happens, it’s mind-boggling that we are in Portland, Maine. (More...)
Skunk School -- Learn Why Not To Keep Skunks As Pets
There is an alarming trend in pet purchasing habits this fall. People inspired by the WWII film, "Life is Beautiful" -- the one with that annoying Italian guy -- are buying descented skunks by the millions. (More...)
