Build Date: Fri Jan 24 03:30:12 2025 UTC
Innocence is for suckers.
-- Tina the Troubled Teenager
Spock's Balls
1999-10-16 18:11:59
Hooray! At long last, a NEW Spocktail of the Week! Kid-tested, mother-approved!
The magic of this spocktail is that repeated use leaves you in a state of STINKING DRUNKITUDE that you are physically incapable of sleeping off. The delicious spliciness of the ginger beer combines with the herbal blechiness of the smart drugs to ward off the faint of heart from this robust and adventurous spocktail.
The name originates in the fact that the ginger beer brand sounds an awful lot like "Cock and Balls" to folks who like to snigger about that kind of thing. PLUS! the near-hallucinatory effect is reminiscent of a 2-ton wrecking ball arcing at high speed through the mossy brick wall of your brain. PLUS! I like to name things after Spock.
I first had a Spock's Balls with Flesh and Johnny Royale at a warehouse party in San Pedro in 1994. We were hunkered down in the foreman's tiny office up on the catwalk, trying to get the hell out. In an irrational fit of pique, Johnny had used a gigantic portable hand drill on a Barracuda belonging to some Samoans that had cut us off in the parking lot. I was worried somewhat about the obese, flower-shirted Polynesians lumbering about like postmodern Gypsy bears in the flashing lights below, Xed out of their woolly gourds. They didn't seem to know yet about the violation of their machine, but they were still evincing aggressive behavior, such as ramming their heads through the corrugated aluminum walls of the warehouse. I was nervous.
Flesh mixed up 2 rounds of Spock's Balls while we tried to think. Johnny pointed out that we could climb up one more level of catwalks and leave through a skylight in the roof. Spock's Balls lower your inhibitions for such reckless schemes, but the drink also inhibits your gross motor capacity for executing them. I still have a really bad limp from the fall, and only two toes on my left foot. A Samoan drove me cheerfully to the hospital in his maimed convertible, gleefully burbling about the 18 months he lived in Ibiza. I didn't put forward any theories about who had fucked with his car.
Enjoy!
Spock's Balls
- 4 oz. Cock 'n Bull (TM) brand splicy ginger beer
- 2 oz. Everclear grain alcohol
- 1 capsule Metabolift (TM) brand trucker speed
Chill the Everclear in a highball glass 1/4-filled with ice. Add the ginger beer. Carefully open the Metabolift (TM) capsule and empty the powder into the drink (a Leatherman can be helpful in extracting the Metabolift if it is dryish and sticks to the gel cap). Stir carefully and serve.
T O P S T O R I E S
The Future Ain't What It Used To Be
Ideas have taken horrifying shape and rooted into our modern reality. (More...)
The Once & Future King of Dust
Only The Onion could have acquired Infowarts. (More...)
Another Nobel Prize-Winning Author Describes Drunkenness
This book won a Pulitzer Prize. Here's its famous paragraph on getting drunk... (More...)
Why I'm pretty sure JD Vance had sex with a couch
True or false? The answers await us in that magical land where all truths are revealed -- the internet. (More...)
In 2010 Dr. Cheng-Huai Ruan discovered a way to cause a patient with an abnormal heartbeat to get back into a normal rhythm by sticking a finger up the patient's ass. (More...)
WKRP in Cincinnati aired from 1978 through 1982. Howard Hesseman played Dr. Johnny Fever, a DJ from Los Angeles who was fired from his previous job for saying the word "booger" on the air. In the show Hesseman would do some dialogue, introduce a song, and start the song. You'd hear a few notes, but never the whole song. (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
Report from Spiritual Machines
Arkuat gives you the inside scoop on the "Spiritual Machines" panel and conclave. Wacky excitement ensues! (More...)
First there was the Bloody Mary: Vodka, Tomato Juice, Worcestershire sauce, some spices, and celery. We drank it, and it was good. Then any drink with tomato juice got a prefix of "bloody" attached to it. We drank them, and they were mostly bad. Now Pigdog gets back to basics and introduces The Bloody Dog, a drink with REAL BLOOD in it. HUMAN BLOOD. (More...)
"Gee, I wish I was older."
"So do I." (More...)
Last week I had eye surgery and it was certainly one of the least enjoyable episodes of my life. Eye Surgeons like their patients to be conscious enough so that they can move their eyes to the proper position during surgery. (More...)
The Deep Dark Underbelly of the Star Wars Myth, or Ramayana Remembered
It's a fact: Star Wars is a blatant plagiarism of an ancient Asian legend, and the long lines of devout Star Wars freaks are really unscrupulous Asian copyright busters. From Indonesia to Thailand to Nepal, videos are available for sale or rent before they're even released in the US and UK due to this nerdy camcorder-clutching bunch. (More...)
I just came across this coolio essay by Pigdog Journal Science Editor binky wedged between two staves in the back corner of the submissions barrel. It's on the origin of the cyberbilly and is definitely de rigeur for any serious student of this fascinating sociological movement. (More...)
