Build Date: Sun Apr 20 17:10:35 2025 UTC
Canadia should be dissolved and given to the Tongans.
-- Master Squid
Pigdog Journal FOURTH Annual Christmas Essay Contest
2001-12-11 12:25:26
Beaujolais!! Can you believe it's Christmas time again? I really haven't been able to plan around it since we survived Y2K -- never saw that coming. Anyways, send in your essay submission and LAUNCH YOUR CAREER TO THE STARS.
The Pigdog Journal Annual Christmas Essay Contest is, like, a holiday tradition unmatched in the history of Yule. It's a showcase for talented writers of all stripes to display their winning ways and educate the rest of us in the fine fine spirit of Kris Kringle. And shit.
Actually, what it's mostly been since its inception is a showcase for LENNY TUBEROSE to run rampant over all comers like a caribou herd in an eggnog stampede. He OWNS the damn Pigdog Annual Christmas Essay Contest, although the judges have cleverly avoided ever giving him even the tiniest prize, out of jealousy and spite. Bwahaha!
But seriously, we need someone to put up some kind of credible competition this year, so we can have a rigged game and break the Lenny Tuberose essay-contest dynasty. Make your submissions, people! Here's how:
- Write an essay of ANY LENGTH on the following yuletide-cheery
theme:
HOES! HOES! HOES! A Very Pimpin' Christmas - Send the essay in PLAIN ASCII FORM to the submissions team at PDJ, namely submissions@pigdog.org. Essays must be submitted by December 19, 2001. All submissions are final. Any submissions in NON-ASCII form will be used to wipe my yuletide ass.
- WAIT WITH BATED BREATH as a panel of expert judges reviews the entries and comes up
with a winner. Entries will be judged on:
- Christmas-y goodness
- Sticking to the fucking theme for God's sake
- Originality
- Congeniality
- Swimsuit Competition
- Not being from Lenny Tuberose
- The winner will be announced some time between 19 Dec and Christmas, more or less. The prize is getting your essay published in PDJ, and probably a 4-pack of Guinness cans if we get around to it. Like I said before, Lenny still hasn't received shit, so ENTER FOR THE GLORY, not for the prizes.
If you need to get the creative turkey juices going a bit, I highly recommend that you review the many fine Christmas-related articles that have appeared in PDJ over the years. Aren't they great? Check 'em out, and then get out that big-ass pencil with the furry-headed troll on top that you wrote your Santa list with, and then write a big essay in childish block letters, and then make it into ASCII, and then send it to us! Beaujolais, and Mele Kalikimaka!
T O P S T O R I E S
California Glory Hole attracts huge crowds
A glory hole at Napa's Lake Berryessa is drawing huge crowds. According to Chris Lee, the general manager for the Solano County Water Agency, the glory hole hasn't been active since 2019, and only restarted operations on Feb 4. (More...)
Republican State Senator busted after soliciting a teenage girl
Republican State Senator Justin Eichorn of Minnesota was arrested for soliciting a teen girl on Monday just hours after he introduced a bill proposing "Trump derangement syndrome" (TDS) as a form of mental illness. (More...)
Parents claim measles is not that bad after having only one child die
The parents of a Texas girl who died from the measles are defending their decision not to vaccinate their daughter. "She says they would still say 'Don't do the shots,'" an unidentified translator for the parents said. "They think it’s not as bad as the media is making it out to be." (More...)
Delusional rich man tries to fire town staff
"I'm mayor now" said write-in mayoral candidate and founder of Pirate’s Booty Snacks Robert Ehrlich after losing the election for Mayor of Sea Cliff, NY. Then he tried to take over the Village Hall and fire everyone. (More...)
Musk claims Xitter security is staffed by idiots
Earlier this month Xitter experienced a massive outage. In an interview, Musk told Fox Business that he believes the attack came from "IP addresses originating in the Ukraine area." (More...)
The Future Ain't What It Used To Be
Ideas have taken horrifying shape and rooted into our modern reality. (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
Poor Metallica. All they want is to continue to put out the same weak "Heavy Metal" they've been churning out since the "And Justice For All" days? and make gooey wads of cash in the process. The problem is, people aren't buying their bound for the heavy metal scrap heap, over-produced, uninspired, tired crap. And let's face it, their various commercial endorsements won't pay for the lifestyle they've become comfortably accustomed to. Resorting to lawsuits makes perfect sense, when you need spending money. But just one lawsuit isn't going to pay their bills. So, to aid Metallica, I've composed an open letter to the boys in the band, with suggestions as to whom else they might sic their lapdog lawyers on... (More...)
Report from Spiritual Machines
Arkuat gives you the inside scoop on the "Spiritual Machines" panel and conclave. Wacky excitement ensues! (More...)
Canadia Revealed: A Brief Guide to a Large Country
Recently Pigdog has received many letters from readers who are apparently puzzled and upset by our regular coverage of the mysterious nation north of our border, Canadia. (More...)
Patient Joab's scientifick editorial discusses aspect of the space-time-beer continuum never before processed by sub-bush-robot minds!!! Too fabulantastic to contempulate! (More...)
Canadians Not So Different After All
Nobody wants to be prejudiced. But sometimes you can be biased and not even realize it. I think many Americans are biased in this way against Canadians. I never really stopped to think about it, but I myself used to be this way. I guess I thought that Canadians were "stuck-up" — you know, smarter and better cultured than us. But then I got educated about Canadia. (More...)
It's not like I have a heroin problem, see. I'm just a self-indulgent brat who likes to live beyond her means. When I zip down to my corner Money Mart for a little cash-till-payday loan, I'm really not planning to spend it on drugs. I'll spend it on sushi. Seventy bucks of interest for a two-week $400 loan is perfectly reasonable, if you really need that hamachi. (More...)
