Build Date: Mon Mar 31 10:21:38 2025 UTC
Silly grownup, speed is for kids.
-- Juggler Vain
Pigdog Journal FOURTH Annual Christmas Essay Contest
2001-12-11 12:25:26
Beaujolais!! Can you believe it's Christmas time again? I really haven't been able to plan around it since we survived Y2K -- never saw that coming. Anyways, send in your essay submission and LAUNCH YOUR CAREER TO THE STARS.
The Pigdog Journal Annual Christmas Essay Contest is, like, a holiday tradition unmatched in the history of Yule. It's a showcase for talented writers of all stripes to display their winning ways and educate the rest of us in the fine fine spirit of Kris Kringle. And shit.
Actually, what it's mostly been since its inception is a showcase for LENNY TUBEROSE to run rampant over all comers like a caribou herd in an eggnog stampede. He OWNS the damn Pigdog Annual Christmas Essay Contest, although the judges have cleverly avoided ever giving him even the tiniest prize, out of jealousy and spite. Bwahaha!
But seriously, we need someone to put up some kind of credible competition this year, so we can have a rigged game and break the Lenny Tuberose essay-contest dynasty. Make your submissions, people! Here's how:
- Write an essay of ANY LENGTH on the following yuletide-cheery
theme:
HOES! HOES! HOES! A Very Pimpin' Christmas - Send the essay in PLAIN ASCII FORM to the submissions team at PDJ, namely submissions@pigdog.org. Essays must be submitted by December 19, 2001. All submissions are final. Any submissions in NON-ASCII form will be used to wipe my yuletide ass.
- WAIT WITH BATED BREATH as a panel of expert judges reviews the entries and comes up
with a winner. Entries will be judged on:
- Christmas-y goodness
- Sticking to the fucking theme for God's sake
- Originality
- Congeniality
- Swimsuit Competition
- Not being from Lenny Tuberose
- The winner will be announced some time between 19 Dec and Christmas, more or less. The prize is getting your essay published in PDJ, and probably a 4-pack of Guinness cans if we get around to it. Like I said before, Lenny still hasn't received shit, so ENTER FOR THE GLORY, not for the prizes.
If you need to get the creative turkey juices going a bit, I highly recommend that you review the many fine Christmas-related articles that have appeared in PDJ over the years. Aren't they great? Check 'em out, and then get out that big-ass pencil with the furry-headed troll on top that you wrote your Santa list with, and then write a big essay in childish block letters, and then make it into ASCII, and then send it to us! Beaujolais, and Mele Kalikimaka!
T O P S T O R I E S
California Glory Hole attracts huge crowds
A glory hole at Napa's Lake Berryessa is drawing huge crowds. According to Chris Lee, the general manager for the Solano County Water Agency, the glory hole hasn't been active since 2019, and only restarted operations on Feb 4. (More...)
Republican State Senator busted after soliciting a teenage girl
Republican State Senator Justin Eichorn of Minnesota was arrested for soliciting a teen girl on Monday just hours after he introduced a bill proposing "Trump derangement syndrome" (TDS) as a form of mental illness. (More...)
Parents claim measles is not that bad after having only one child die
The parents of a Texas girl who died from the measles are defending their decision not to vaccinate their daughter. "She says they would still say 'Don't do the shots,'" an unidentified translator for the parents said. "They think it’s not as bad as the media is making it out to be." (More...)
Delusional rich man tries to fire town staff
"I'm mayor now" said write-in mayoral candidate and founder of Pirate’s Booty Snacks Robert Ehrlich after losing the election for Mayor of Sea Cliff, NY. Then he tried to take over the Village Hall and fire everyone. (More...)
Musk claims Xitter security is staffed by idiots
Earlier this month Xitter experienced a massive outage. In an interview, Musk told Fox Business that he believes the attack came from "IP addresses originating in the Ukraine area." (More...)
The Future Ain't What It Used To Be
Ideas have taken horrifying shape and rooted into our modern reality. (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
Three Days and 25 Spocktails: A Cautionary Tale
Johnnie Royale picked me up from the dental surgery. I felt warm, safe, cradled in the anathesia's loving embrace. The pharmacy downstairs gave me a bottle of Vicodin and a few instructions: take it with food, don't mix with alcohol, don't operate heavy machinery. I put it in my pocket and we left. "Do you want to go home, or do you want to go to a bar?" asked Johnnie. (More...)
The Deep Dark Underbelly of the Star Wars Myth, or Ramayana Remembered
It's a fact: Star Wars is a blatant plagiarism of an ancient Asian legend, and the long lines of devout Star Wars freaks are really unscrupulous Asian copyright busters. From Indonesia to Thailand to Nepal, videos are available for sale or rent before they're even released in the US and UK due to this nerdy camcorder-clutching bunch. (More...)
The Peppermill Is Not Good For You
Paradise lounge on the strip. Expense it, bad boy! (More...)
During a magnificent sunny day in a fast receding autumn, the Spock Science Monitor reporters once again blew the playa dust off of their computers and covered the 2002 Burning Man Decompression – held every year just east of Portola Hill in beautiful San Francisco. Both an afternoon and evening issues were released to the unsuspecting crowd of freaks attempting to in some small way experience the euphoria of the playa – if but for a brief afternoon far from the desolation of Northern Nevada. (More...)
It's not like I have a heroin problem, see. I'm just a self-indulgent brat who likes to live beyond her means. When I zip down to my corner Money Mart for a little cash-till-payday loan, I'm really not planning to spend it on drugs. I'll spend it on sushi. Seventy bucks of interest for a two-week $400 loan is perfectly reasonable, if you really need that hamachi. (More...)
Experimenter is a film released in 2015 starring Peter Sarsgaard. It tells the story of Dr. Stanley Milgram's life, including the infamous Milgram electric shock experiment, tests on crowds, and his work developing a theory on the mechanics of social networks. It currently streams on Netflix. (More...)
