Build Date: Sat Feb 22 05:40:23 2025 UTC
I had some creepy sweet pale beer that tasted like shit. I hate that kind of stuff. I wonder why I do that to myself. Maybe it's a self-loathing thing.
-- Mr. Bad
Torture: It's not just for witches anymore!
2007-05-17 20:26:29
During the second Republican Presidential Debate each of the candidates was given a hypothetical "impending doom from terrorists" scenario and asked if they would use torture to extract information from prisoners who might have some information about a possible imminent attack. The answers ranged from "yes" to "absolutely yes" to Mitt Romney's "yes, as long as we refer to torture as 'enhanced interrogation techniques'." John McCain was the lone dissenter stating categorically "no". Too bad John McCain doesn't know his history. Torture was used to stop terrorism here before there was a USA. In 1692 the town of Salem, Massachusetts was being terrorized, and they successfully used torture to stop the terror.
The people of Salem weren't being terrorized by some low-rent Al-Qaeda operatives either, they were being terrorized by Satan himself. Originally the town of Salem thought that there were only a few young girls who were possessed by the devil, but upon questioning them they named others in the town. After being tortured and threatened with death, the accused named other witches, which led to more and more witches being discovered in the township.
Of course it's not a good idea to question the policy of torturing and killing witches, as John Proctor found out. He was openly skeptical of the witch trials, but as it turned out, he was skeptical because he was a witch himself! Several people testified that ghosts had told them John Proctor was a murderer, and that was good enough for the courts -- John Proctor was hung by the neck until dead. When President Bush says that you're with the terrorists if you question his tactics, just remember what happened to John Proctor -- and you'll support the President 110%!
Thanks to torture, the people of Salem managed to uncover the devil's terrorists.
- The people of Salem hanged nineteen witches
- They pressed Giles Corey to death under a pile of stones (he didn't confess and wouldn't consent to a trial, so he was pressed rather than hanged)
- They killed two dogs (the dogs were accomplices of the witches)
- At least 4 accused witches died in jail awaiting trial (the exact number is unknown)
- Somewhere between one and two hundred other persons were arrested and imprisoned on witchcraft charges. They were later released due to the work of meddling liberals such as Increase Mather.
Without the use of torture these witches would never have been unmasked. So when someone asks you if you support torture, just say "Hell yes!" It worked in Salem to uncover witches that no one ever suspected were witches, and it can work in Guantanamo to find terrorists that no one ever suspected were terrorists.
Torture -- it's not just for witch hunts anymore!
T O P S T O R I E S
The Future Ain't What It Used To Be
Ideas have taken horrifying shape and rooted into our modern reality. (More...)
The Once & Future King of Dust
Only The Onion could have acquired Infowarts. (More...)
Another Nobel Prize-Winning Author Describes Drunkenness
This book won a Pulitzer Prize. Here's its famous paragraph on getting drunk... (More...)
Why I'm pretty sure JD Vance had sex with a couch
True or false? The answers await us in that magical land where all truths are revealed -- the internet. (More...)
In 2010 Dr. Cheng-Huai Ruan discovered a way to cause a patient with an abnormal heartbeat to get back into a normal rhythm by sticking a finger up the patient's ass. (More...)
WKRP in Cincinnati aired from 1978 through 1982. Howard Hesseman played Dr. Johnny Fever, a DJ from Los Angeles who was fired from his previous job for saying the word "booger" on the air. In the show Hesseman would do some dialogue, introduce a song, and start the song. You'd hear a few notes, but never the whole song. (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
About 14 years ago when I was on a road trip and stopped in Seattle, I was invited to a party. At this party there were these little tiny glasses sitting in a flat-bottomed bowl of ice. Thin cylinders about an inch in diameter and 4 inches tall, with thick glass at the bottom. Into these were poured frozen AKVAVIT... also known as the water of life. (More...)
First there was the Bloody Mary: Vodka, Tomato Juice, Worcestershire sauce, some spices, and celery. We drank it, and it was good. Then any drink with tomato juice got a prefix of "bloody" attached to it. We drank them, and they were mostly bad. Now Pigdog gets back to basics and introduces The Bloody Dog, a drink with REAL BLOOD in it. HUMAN BLOOD. (More...)
Patient Joab's scientifick editorial discusses aspect of the space-time-beer continuum never before processed by sub-bush-robot minds!!! Too fabulantastic to contempulate! (More...)
This was an old standby back in my poor college days. Back then the goal was to get butt fucking wasted for as little money as possible. The problem was we hated dirt cheap beer - and some weekends, even Henry's was far more lucre then we could scratch together. So we invented Red. (More...)
Extreme pimpin' under pressure ... how to tell a playa from a sucka ... keeping your hoes under control ... tips for mackin' success from Pigdog's own Terrordrone. (More...)
It was the night of the Leonid meteor showers -- the perfect opportunity to break out the evil opaline liquor, get madder than hatters, and test wireless ethernet hardware... Would the plunging meteorites interfere with the 2.4GHz band? What about our delicate brain waves? (More...)
