Build Date: Wed Jan 22 13:50:12 2025 UTC
I've got a bottle of Swathmore Vinyards Merlot from South Africa sitting here that I could open right now. But I'm saving it, see. That's how much control I have.
-- Ratsnatcher
Why The Future Sucks Ass
2000-05-24 14:08:52
The future sucks ass. Mr. Bad explains why.
So, here we are, several months into the year 2000, which by all accounts is smack dab in the Future. And yet the whole thing sucks major ass! By all the gods, I was PROMISED a future that would be wondrous to behold, and what do I get? This BOGUS Future. It's basically a warmed-over version of the 1950s with sleek European lines and Pentium III processors thrown in.
My guess is that sometime in the early 60s, some time-space warp happend and we got off course. WE, gentle reader, ended up in the Alternative Future that features Larry King and Orbitz, while everyone else gets the cool Future that is our birthright! Damn damn damn!
So, consider this week's Mr. Bad's List as a catalog of demands or a documentation of my grievances. Or, even better, as a shopping list. I want someone to invent a machine and go over to the cool, shiny Alternative Future and GET MY STUFF and bring it back here. Gar gar gar, I'm real mad!
- Personal jet pack
- Space colonies
- Robot armies
- Talking shower
- Truth serum
- Nuclear helicopter in every garage
- Gene-spliced dog-horse ("dorse") pets
- Big-shouldered silver jump suits
- Telepathy
- Cure for cancer, common cold
- Intelligent ape slaves
- Moon vacations
- Jovian tobacco plantations
- Underwater cities
- Breakfast in a pill
- Widespread Esperanto usage
- Laser guns (pistol and rifle)
- Brain transfer
- Zero-gravity Sexatoriums
- Tricorders
- Cool glowing designer drugs
- Hologram TV
- Time machine
- Hovercars
- Day-glo offworld liqueurs (in cool space bottles)
- Anti-gravity forklift devices
- Soothing propaganda broadcasts from One World Leader
- Telescreen
- Laser-armed dolphin buddies
- Slutty alien chicks in space hotpants
T O P S T O R I E S
The Future Ain't What It Used To Be
Ideas have taken horrifying shape and rooted into our modern reality. (More...)
The Once & Future King of Dust
Only The Onion could have acquired Infowarts. (More...)
Another Nobel Prize-Winning Author Describes Drunkenness
This book won a Pulitzer Prize. Here's its famous paragraph on getting drunk... (More...)
Why I'm pretty sure JD Vance had sex with a couch
True or false? The answers await us in that magical land where all truths are revealed -- the internet. (More...)
In 2010 Dr. Cheng-Huai Ruan discovered a way to cause a patient with an abnormal heartbeat to get back into a normal rhythm by sticking a finger up the patient's ass. (More...)
WKRP in Cincinnati aired from 1978 through 1982. Howard Hesseman played Dr. Johnny Fever, a DJ from Los Angeles who was fired from his previous job for saying the word "booger" on the air. In the show Hesseman would do some dialogue, introduce a song, and start the song. You'd hear a few notes, but never the whole song. (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
The days are getting longer and, as the man says, the nights are getting HOTTER! Lick your finger, touch your ass and go *Tschssh*, cause the damn SUN is out now! And of course that means it's time for a refreshing Spocktail that meets YOUR NEEDS for a delicious booze cooler at affordable prices. (More...)
Songs Of Love And Special Things
Well, dear reader, there's no denying it: Spring has sprung. The air is pungent with the fertile aroma of Romance. And you know what goes with Romance, don't you? That's right, Lover, porn. And not just any porn, but the kind you can sing along to. (More...)
40 Acres, a Mule, and a Crummy 90-Second Spot on Weekend Update
Consider the plight of the Black Man. The Black Man on "Saturday Night Live," I mean. Has there ever been a more pathetic thing than a token unredeemed for 28 years? Where is the NAACP when you really need them? (More...)
It's that time of year again -- Burning Man Season -- and that means fresh SCIENCE! Here is a new lab experiment for the fruity hillbilly in all of us. (More...)
Three Days and 25 Spocktails: A Cautionary Tale
Johnnie Royale picked me up from the dental surgery. I felt warm, safe, cradled in the anathesia's loving embrace. The pharmacy downstairs gave me a bottle of Vicodin and a few instructions: take it with food, don't mix with alcohol, don't operate heavy machinery. I put it in my pocket and we left. "Do you want to go home, or do you want to go to a bar?" asked Johnnie. (More...)
The Innocent San Francisco Mule
Flesh and Abby have moved to an isolated rural location in the United States - equipped only with their sense of adventure. Recently they came down off the mountain briefly to file this report? (More...)
