Build Date: Fri Mar 7 02:40:35 2025 UTC
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-- WSB
Why The Future Sucks Ass
2000-05-24 14:08:52
The future sucks ass. Mr. Bad explains why.
So, here we are, several months into the year 2000, which by all accounts is smack dab in the Future. And yet the whole thing sucks major ass! By all the gods, I was PROMISED a future that would be wondrous to behold, and what do I get? This BOGUS Future. It's basically a warmed-over version of the 1950s with sleek European lines and Pentium III processors thrown in.
My guess is that sometime in the early 60s, some time-space warp happend and we got off course. WE, gentle reader, ended up in the Alternative Future that features Larry King and Orbitz, while everyone else gets the cool Future that is our birthright! Damn damn damn!
So, consider this week's Mr. Bad's List as a catalog of demands or a documentation of my grievances. Or, even better, as a shopping list. I want someone to invent a machine and go over to the cool, shiny Alternative Future and GET MY STUFF and bring it back here. Gar gar gar, I'm real mad!
- Personal jet pack
- Space colonies
- Robot armies
- Talking shower
- Truth serum
- Nuclear helicopter in every garage
- Gene-spliced dog-horse ("dorse") pets
- Big-shouldered silver jump suits
- Telepathy
- Cure for cancer, common cold
- Intelligent ape slaves
- Moon vacations
- Jovian tobacco plantations
- Underwater cities
- Breakfast in a pill
- Widespread Esperanto usage
- Laser guns (pistol and rifle)
- Brain transfer
- Zero-gravity Sexatoriums
- Tricorders
- Cool glowing designer drugs
- Hologram TV
- Time machine
- Hovercars
- Day-glo offworld liqueurs (in cool space bottles)
- Anti-gravity forklift devices
- Soothing propaganda broadcasts from One World Leader
- Telescreen
- Laser-armed dolphin buddies
- Slutty alien chicks in space hotpants
T O P S T O R I E S
The Future Ain't What It Used To Be
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The Once & Future King of Dust
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Another Nobel Prize-Winning Author Describes Drunkenness
This book won a Pulitzer Prize. Here's its famous paragraph on getting drunk... (More...)
Why I'm pretty sure JD Vance had sex with a couch
True or false? The answers await us in that magical land where all truths are revealed -- the internet. (More...)
In 2010 Dr. Cheng-Huai Ruan discovered a way to cause a patient with an abnormal heartbeat to get back into a normal rhythm by sticking a finger up the patient's ass. (More...)
WKRP in Cincinnati aired from 1978 through 1982. Howard Hesseman played Dr. Johnny Fever, a DJ from Los Angeles who was fired from his previous job for saying the word "booger" on the air. In the show Hesseman would do some dialogue, introduce a song, and start the song. You'd hear a few notes, but never the whole song. (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
Brother Wayne Lays Down the Truth
Flesh interviews Wayne Kramer of MC5. (More...)
A Day in the Life of a Beverotologist
It was starting to look like a very boring Saturday, trapped as I was in the suburban wastelands of the outer Bay Area, so I called my Able Assistant (AA) and proposed that we perform some Spocktail field tests. For some time I've been working on creating the quintessential cinematic beverage and even tho' SMRL does most of its testing during nocturnal hours, this seemed an opportune time to roll up the sleeves of our labcoats and get some science done. While the beverotology creation tested this day (The Neurotoxin) must be deemed a success, this article focuses more the journey of the experimenters, rather then the science of beverotology. (More...)
Paranoid Strippers & Psychotic Crack Dealers (Tales of Christmas Eve)
Christmas day, for the last 17 or so years has bored me. I find that the real fun and excitement always takes place on Christmas Eve. Every other year, it's the excitement of the metaphorical hunt instead of the kill. Otherwise, it's just plain bad craziness. (More...)
Patient Joab's scientifick editorial discusses aspect of the space-time-beer continuum never before processed by sub-bush-robot minds!!! Too fabulantastic to contempulate! (More...)
My dear and close friend, Porn Maven Shannon Mariemont, sent me a titillating message the other day about her new project: the PornOrchestra. Her desire, at most, is to reinvent the porn soundtrack and, at least, to receive a cease-and-desist order like all her cool friends did last year. (More...)
NASA's Mars missions keep blowing up and crashing, but dammit, when you reach for the stars you have to expect a few minor setbacks. Drink a toast to the men and women of NASA! Toast them with a Lost Probe mixed up with your own two (or three) hands! (More...)
