Build Date: Mon Mar 31 10:11:06 2025 UTC
"Squeal like a pig." Just saying the line conjures up images of Hillbillies and Ned Beatty's sweaty pink face. It's a powerful image, jammed into the American psyche like a fat Hillbilly cock in a tiny city-dweller's anus. The image will just not go away, no matter how hard you try.
-- enigma
Intel Uses Sock Mandrill as Shill to Sell Stupid New Chip
1999-03-01 21:03:00
In other non-news today, Intel has made a desperate lunge at the young and hip in order to sell more of their SHITTY NEW CHIPS. Their ploy? A new animated television commercial featuring a red-assed mandrill made out of socks. HA! Like _that's_ gonna work.
Intel hasn't made a chip worth a wet fart since the 80186. The new Pentium III is a fucking DISGRACE and the entire product team should be SHIT-SLAPPED. Their quality has gotten SO BAD that even though they once had a HAMMERLOCK on the PC CPU market, crushing its windpipe like the BIG BAD BOSSMAN or something, they've now lost enough market share that they're #2 in the most popular market segment (under-$1000 desktops) . SERIOUSLY! Not joking here for a second! Dead serious! I read it in the Chron. AMD is kicking their ass.
On top of that, Intel's being dragged into court and slapped around like rum-drinking whores by the Justice Dept for being BIG ASSHOLES in one regard or another. I think they've already got a HUNDRED ZILLION DOLLAR FINE just for being CAPITAL-F FUCKHEADS. The Justice Dept can just do that because they're the government.
Anyways, given this state of affairs, it's totally understandable that Intel would turn to DESPERATE MEASURES to save their FLOUNDERING and STUPID company. Apparently they're gonna try to save themselves by jumping on the MANDRILL BANDWAGON. In their newest commercial they show a MANDRILL made out of SOCKS with a BIG RED ASS and FACE using a Pentium III processor to throw VIRTUAL POO at his little toy friends over the Internet. The SockMandrill also jumps up and down screams at them using Intel's patented Indeo (TM) video technology that nobody gives a shit about.
It's a sick, sad commercial. Totally exploitative -- you won't believe how many times they show the MANDRILL'S BIG RED BUTT. Sure, mandrills are all the rage now, but for God's sake, this company needs a little PRIDE. It's a sad spectacle and you can go look at it if you want but don't go showing it to kids and then blame me.
T O P S T O R I E S
California Glory Hole attracts huge crowds
A glory hole at Napa's Lake Berryessa is drawing huge crowds. According to Chris Lee, the general manager for the Solano County Water Agency, the glory hole hasn't been active since 2019, and only restarted operations on Feb 4. (More...)
Republican State Senator busted after soliciting a teenage girl
Republican State Senator Justin Eichorn of Minnesota was arrested for soliciting a teen girl on Monday just hours after he introduced a bill proposing "Trump derangement syndrome" (TDS) as a form of mental illness. (More...)
Parents claim measles is not that bad after having only one child die
The parents of a Texas girl who died from the measles are defending their decision not to vaccinate their daughter. "She says they would still say 'Don't do the shots,'" an unidentified translator for the parents said. "They think it’s not as bad as the media is making it out to be." (More...)
Delusional rich man tries to fire town staff
"I'm mayor now" said write-in mayoral candidate and founder of Pirate’s Booty Snacks Robert Ehrlich after losing the election for Mayor of Sea Cliff, NY. Then he tried to take over the Village Hall and fire everyone. (More...)
Musk claims Xitter security is staffed by idiots
Earlier this month Xitter experienced a massive outage. In an interview, Musk told Fox Business that he believes the attack came from "IP addresses originating in the Ukraine area." (More...)
The Future Ain't What It Used To Be
Ideas have taken horrifying shape and rooted into our modern reality. (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
So I was walking around the Tenderloin looking for stray twenty-dollar-bills that might have fallen into gutters, and I was thinking, as I often do, about my mother. (More...)
Pao Tzu: Obtaining San Pedro Cactus
Horticultural clone master, Pao Tzu, guides you through the ins and outs of stealing hallucinogenic cacti from your neighbors' yards. Ooh la la! (More...)
Report from Spiritual Machines
Arkuat gives you the inside scoop on the "Spiritual Machines" panel and conclave. Wacky excitement ensues! (More...)
Johnnie Royale's Guide to Wakes
Wakes can present problems for Bad People of the Future. (If you don't know what a BPotF is, you need to read more of the PDJ.) Sure, your friend is gone and you miss him and that really sucks; it does, I know. But all Bad People of the Future are gonna die, and they have all accepted that fact. They do deserve, however, to have one final kickass party to celebrate all the bad things they've done in the past, present and future. And you, as a friend, have to make sure that their desire for a final send off is well executed (sorry for the pun). That's just the way of BPotFdom. (More...)
This is one for the Ages. Our new signature SMRL drink. We beta tested this several weeks ago at the Goat Brothers B-Day Party. Oh my! (More...)
It's winter in Idaho, and Boise personality "Lego-Man" reports on how he celebrated Thanksgiving. "I fed my wife, mother and sister wine slurpies!" (More...)
