Build Date: Sat Feb 22 15:30:44 2025 UTC
My new favorite radio station for tonight is Energy 103.4 in Berlin.
-- Ratsnatcher
Monkeys Attack Girls School
2002-04-05 11:38:30
In what has become apparently an annual ritual, a pack of ultra fundamentalist Monkeys, incapable of accepting Mankind's rise as the dominate species on the planet, has attacked a girls school in India, in an apparent attempt to thwart the education process with the ultimate goal of toppling our civilization.
The monkeys have successfully destroyed thousands of books and have established a base camp in the school's cafeteria from which they launch their assaults at any student trying to become educated enough to escape the desperate poverty of Indian's lower classes.
What is even scarier is that many of the local town's people believe that the monkeys are sacred, preventing any sort of rational response. Since when are monkeys sacred? That's just bullshit. Cows I can understand... sort of... well, ok, I don't get the whole cow worship thing either. But monkeys? No way. Who would ever pray to a monkey? They'd just laugh at you and then throw shit at you and then laugh some more when you are covered in monkey shit.
I figure that them monkeys must have developed some sort of brain wave zapper technology that makes the locals think that monkeys are holy and monkeys are using these rays against to uneducated masses to hinder any large scale opposition.
If this sounds like some horrible Planet of the Apes movie plot, you're right. I can only surmise that this is a proving ground for some secret monkey cult to develop the means for those stinking poo throwers to take over the world. And I think that they are farther along then we realize. Have you ever seen a picture of our selected president? Doesn't he look like a MonkeyBoy? Doesn't he talk like a MonkeyBoy? Hell, doesn't he act like a MonkeyBoy? Fucking A People, we've had a some sort of super clonenated, artifooical, gene amplified monkey installed as the leader of the most power nation in the world by our Supreme Court. Another group of "people" that I'm now highly suspicious of being more ape then man.
All the pieces are starting to fit into place and I'm telling you, if we don't start fighting back now, we all gonna be monkeys' bitches before long.
T O P S T O R I E S
The Future Ain't What It Used To Be
Ideas have taken horrifying shape and rooted into our modern reality. (More...)
The Once & Future King of Dust
Only The Onion could have acquired Infowarts. (More...)
Another Nobel Prize-Winning Author Describes Drunkenness
This book won a Pulitzer Prize. Here's its famous paragraph on getting drunk... (More...)
Why I'm pretty sure JD Vance had sex with a couch
True or false? The answers await us in that magical land where all truths are revealed -- the internet. (More...)
In 2010 Dr. Cheng-Huai Ruan discovered a way to cause a patient with an abnormal heartbeat to get back into a normal rhythm by sticking a finger up the patient's ass. (More...)
WKRP in Cincinnati aired from 1978 through 1982. Howard Hesseman played Dr. Johnny Fever, a DJ from Los Angeles who was fired from his previous job for saying the word "booger" on the air. In the show Hesseman would do some dialogue, introduce a song, and start the song. You'd hear a few notes, but never the whole song. (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
Paranoid Strippers & Psychotic Crack Dealers (Tales of Christmas Eve)
Christmas day, for the last 17 or so years has bored me. I find that the real fun and excitement always takes place on Christmas Eve. Every other year, it's the excitement of the metaphorical hunt instead of the kill. Otherwise, it's just plain bad craziness. (More...)
Clowns Take on God in Mysterious Annual Ceremony
Last Sunday's (the 6th) Grimaldi Service at a small church in East London was a red-letter day for clowns worldwide. About a hundred old-school red-nosed clowns made the sombre trip to darkest Dalston to pay their respects to clowns who died in the last year and to thank God for the gift of laughter in a bizarre ceremony presided over by the eccentric Reverend Clown Roly, resplendent in a garish red lumberjack shirt with oversized gold lapels. (More...)
The Innocent San Francisco Mule
Flesh and Abby have moved to an isolated rural location in the United States - equipped only with their sense of adventure. Recently they came down off the mountain briefly to file this report? (More...)
Hooray! At long last, a NEW Spocktail of the Week! Kid-tested, mother-approved! (More...)
A Day in the Life of a Beverotologist
It was starting to look like a very boring Saturday, trapped as I was in the suburban wastelands of the outer Bay Area, so I called my Able Assistant (AA) and proposed that we perform some Spocktail field tests. For some time I've been working on creating the quintessential cinematic beverage and even tho' SMRL does most of its testing during nocturnal hours, this seemed an opportune time to roll up the sleeves of our labcoats and get some science done. While the beverotology creation tested this day (The Neurotoxin) must be deemed a success, this article focuses more the journey of the experimenters, rather then the science of beverotology. (More...)
The Liquidation of Hobo Junction
Albany, CA's homeless hooverville by the Bay, "Hobo Junction," is going to be torn down by The Man. Entrances are already being blocked off, and it's now difficult and dangerous to get there. Worse, these obstacles are making it hard to get to the nearby HORSE TRACK on foot. Local historian, Pao Tzu, has an overview of situation. (More...)
