Build Date: Mon Mar 31 10:11:10 2025 UTC
But that was pretty cool how Steven Segal faxed for help using his Newton on that hijacked train in "Under Siege 2." You never know when you might need something less conspicous than a laptop.
-- Ratsnatcher
What's Tjames Doing in Europe?
2002-02-16 11:17:38
In a move that has baffled most major Wall Street and Defense analysts, Tjames has apparently invaded Europe, establishing a presence and even planting a flag. The analysts have all been stunned into silence and collectively provided no comments, while off the record "claiming" to have never heard of America's favorite usenet personality.
Why Mr. Madison feels that this the right time to stake a claim in the old countries also has left several large multi-national corporations speechless. IBM, Microsoft, ATT and BT all refused to comment this bold and daring move, also denying any knowledge of Tjames existence.
When contacted at home and ask to personally comment on this audacious move, Tjames first denied that he has any plans for the invasion and subsequent subjugation of Europe, claiming that it was filled to the brim with French people and that he hates the French. However, after being presented with the evidence, Tjames admitted that there might be some "exploratory" work going on, but that it was just market research and that a "full scale invasion" just wasn't being planned. "Shit, JR, there are like 330 million people in Europe, how the hell would I feed them all after I took the place over?", commented Tjames. "No, it's just not practical, even if I ordered all the French people killed, that just too many mouths", he continued. Obviously, to this reporter anyway, that sort of statement clearly shows the fact that Tjames has been giving this matter a great deal of thought lately.
Further questioning only enraged him and he was soon screaming into the phone threats that make even this hardened reporter blanch. And just for the record, Mr Madison, I don't want a "power drill gasoline enema given by [your] pet mandrill while he's whacked out on trucker speed".
T O P S T O R I E S
California Glory Hole attracts huge crowds
A glory hole at Napa's Lake Berryessa is drawing huge crowds. According to Chris Lee, the general manager for the Solano County Water Agency, the glory hole hasn't been active since 2019, and only restarted operations on Feb 4. (More...)
Republican State Senator busted after soliciting a teenage girl
Republican State Senator Justin Eichorn of Minnesota was arrested for soliciting a teen girl on Monday just hours after he introduced a bill proposing "Trump derangement syndrome" (TDS) as a form of mental illness. (More...)
Parents claim measles is not that bad after having only one child die
The parents of a Texas girl who died from the measles are defending their decision not to vaccinate their daughter. "She says they would still say 'Don't do the shots,'" an unidentified translator for the parents said. "They think it’s not as bad as the media is making it out to be." (More...)
Delusional rich man tries to fire town staff
"I'm mayor now" said write-in mayoral candidate and founder of Pirate’s Booty Snacks Robert Ehrlich after losing the election for Mayor of Sea Cliff, NY. Then he tried to take over the Village Hall and fire everyone. (More...)
Musk claims Xitter security is staffed by idiots
Earlier this month Xitter experienced a massive outage. In an interview, Musk told Fox Business that he believes the attack came from "IP addresses originating in the Ukraine area." (More...)
The Future Ain't What It Used To Be
Ideas have taken horrifying shape and rooted into our modern reality. (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
So I was walking around the Tenderloin looking for stray twenty-dollar-bills that might have fallen into gutters, and I was thinking, as I often do, about my mother. (More...)
Pao Tzu: Obtaining San Pedro Cactus
Horticultural clone master, Pao Tzu, guides you through the ins and outs of stealing hallucinogenic cacti from your neighbors' yards. Ooh la la! (More...)
Report from Spiritual Machines
Arkuat gives you the inside scoop on the "Spiritual Machines" panel and conclave. Wacky excitement ensues! (More...)
Johnnie Royale's Guide to Wakes
Wakes can present problems for Bad People of the Future. (If you don't know what a BPotF is, you need to read more of the PDJ.) Sure, your friend is gone and you miss him and that really sucks; it does, I know. But all Bad People of the Future are gonna die, and they have all accepted that fact. They do deserve, however, to have one final kickass party to celebrate all the bad things they've done in the past, present and future. And you, as a friend, have to make sure that their desire for a final send off is well executed (sorry for the pun). That's just the way of BPotFdom. (More...)
This is one for the Ages. Our new signature SMRL drink. We beta tested this several weeks ago at the Goat Brothers B-Day Party. Oh my! (More...)
It's winter in Idaho, and Boise personality "Lego-Man" reports on how he celebrated Thanksgiving. "I fed my wife, mother and sister wine slurpies!" (More...)