Build Date: Sun Mar 30 15:21:10 2025 UTC
"Fritos." "Cheetos." "Doritos." Can't you SEE?!? Wake UP, America!
-- Mr. Bad
Christmas Claims Godfather of Soul
2006-12-27 10:37:15
So, the other half of Christmas was the 5 Liberty bash, which was once again off the hood. Never mind the generous loot that befell certain perceptive, lucky, and quick-witted friends of yours. The company was sublime and kept me there until sometime after three-thirty. Somehow, I just wasn't ready to go to bed.
Blame Sergio Leone for keeping me up and delivering unto you the first wires eulogy for The Godfather of Soul, James Brown. Yes, fellow trippers, James Brown died on Christmas Day, 2006. There's some incredible wave of synchronicity in that one. While I'm saddened that there's one less in the name of love, there's a whole lotta' legacy here. Like bravery.
There was a terrible shudder in 1968. Gunfire. Again. To many, the dream was on the ropes, uncertain of a comeback. Again, it took just one to lead the many. That man was James Brown. He toured the entire country, begging both sides to not let it all fall apart. He had that critical crossover appeal that could bring both blacks and whites to the Apollo so that everyone absorbed the spiritual. Man, if it wasn't for this cat, the early seventies would have been a complete wash. A whitewash, that is. Perhaps over and above his music, this was James Brown's most defining moment.
His early instrumentals as a band leader are far more brilliant than something like "Sex Machine," though it's really tough to ditch on any part of Brown's repertoire. Those instrumentals, though, rely far more on musical brilliance than barking and snarling about Papa's Brand New Bag. Taut sensuality drips from the horn sections and the guitars rip you on down the line for whatever the Godfather has in store for you up sleeve number two. Then again, those tracks weren't the kind of things that could pack the dance floor of Nicky's in the Haight on an All Funk Saturday night.
The man's legacy was in every single sweaty night I spent out there dipping and grinding and swaying and groping and kissing and smoking we did in that joint for the first two years I was here. There was nothing else like it. Race didn't fucking matter at all and there was no tension, theft, or other stupid shit that you'd associate with even a honky haven like The Matrix or Blondie's. The place was always jam-packed so that the dance floor was more about the slitherings of super-soaked and salty frottage with whomever looked like they had the almighty funk-soul-fuck-you-through-Monday attitude. Largely powered by James Brown, of course.
I know what you're thinking: the PCP and shotgun and car chase across state lines--that ugly culmination of drugs, pressure, guilt, nightmares, and smacking his whacked-out wife around. Note to population: HE WAS THE FUCKING GODFATHER OF SOUL, BITCH! Not everybody's Bono and not even Bono lived through the kind of shit that James-Fucking-Brown endured again, again, again, again, again, and still yet again. Nobody's perfect, people. Look to yourselves and ask what you'd really ask of someone like James Brown. When one of you can claim some level of ultimate strength and perfection, gimme a call and we'll go to James' grave together. I'm *positive* he'd like to meet you.
So, James, the truth is that Sergio Leone kept me up and has me writing these words about you. Your presence within me of the Reverend Cleophus still rises up inside me every time I hear the jingle-jangle of a thousand lost souls (guaranteed, at the very least, whenever I read the Wall Street Journal). I'm sitting here watching this beautiful, sadistic romp through the realities of a rise and fall in America, I feel you passing through, man. Sergio Fucking Leone, James. No Eastwood, no Van Cleef. But Morricone made the cut, James and I know you dig that. Not to mention all the hot fucking chicks.
So rave on out there, James. Whatever's in store for you on the other side, the afterlife has us all beaten today because you're over there and we're still slugging it out here. Say hello to all the other dreams for us. Let them know that we're still living them, too. Because we feel good. We knew that we would. So good. Because we'd all got you.
T O P S T O R I E S
California Glory Hole attracts huge crowds
A glory hole at Napa's Lake Berryessa is drawing huge crowds. According to Chris Lee, the general manager for the Solano County Water Agency, the glory hole hasn't been active since 2019, and only restarted operations on Feb 4. (More...)
Republican State Senator busted after soliciting a teenage girl
Republican State Senator Justin Eichorn of Minnesota was arrested for soliciting a teen girl on Monday just hours after he introduced a bill proposing "Trump derangement syndrome" (TDS) as a form of mental illness. (More...)
Parents claim measles is not that bad after having only one child die
The parents of a Texas girl who died from the measles are defending their decision not to vaccinate their daughter. "She says they would still say 'Don't do the shots,'" an unidentified translator for the parents said. "They think it’s not as bad as the media is making it out to be." (More...)
Delusional rich man tries to fire town staff
"I'm mayor now" said write-in mayoral candidate and founder of Pirate’s Booty Snacks Robert Ehrlich after losing the election for Mayor of Sea Cliff, NY. Then he tried to take over the Village Hall and fire everyone. (More...)
Musk claims Xitter security is staffed by idiots
Earlier this month Xitter experienced a massive outage. In an interview, Musk told Fox Business that he believes the attack came from "IP addresses originating in the Ukraine area." (More...)
The Future Ain't What It Used To Be
Ideas have taken horrifying shape and rooted into our modern reality. (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
Eavesdropping on Geeks: 'Star Trek: Discovery' vs 'The Orville'
If you broke into Pigdog's top sekrit headquarters, spying on their mysterious mix of weird science and old-skool geekiness, you'd overhear this conversation: (More...)
Things to Say When You're Losing a Technical Argument
Mr. Bad and Crackmonkey collaborate on a fine Mr. Bad's List. We put together ALL the TECHNOLOGY you ever need to know in order to STUMP your OPPONENT in a technical argument. Use these only when your back is against the wall -- they're definitely desperation tactics. (More...)
Songs Of Love And Special Things
Well, dear reader, there's no denying it: Spring has sprung. The air is pungent with the fertile aroma of Romance. And you know what goes with Romance, don't you? That's right, Lover, porn. And not just any porn, but the kind you can sing along to. (More...)
High Availability Guinness Stress Test
All too often we forget the incredible depth of technology behind the weekly ritual of TNiPN@*. We tend to only become aware of the strategy of High Available Guinness (HAG) when it rises to the forefront during a complete and utter venue failure. Yet we should all be super grateful that this system exists. (More...)
We here in SMRL's Beverage Research Lab realize that there is more to life than just drinking spocktails. It's important to have other activities. One such activity that we wholeheartedly support is dancing six or more hours to Trance music. So we have designed a drink to accommodate this. (More...)
I just came across this coolio essay by Pigdog Journal Science Editor binky wedged between two staves in the back corner of the submissions barrel. It's on the origin of the cyberbilly and is definitely de rigeur for any serious student of this fascinating sociological movement. (More...)