Charlton Heston is Soylent Green

by h.r.taffs

2008-04-08 12:57:09

Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye!

Charlton Heston, inadvertent star of Bowling for Columbine, died on April 5, 2008 at the age of 84. Unconfirmed reports indicate that he shot his eye out and a BB gun was pried from his "cold, dead hands."

Interestingly enough, Heston was not a conservatard until the Alzheimer's disease kicked in. In the 1960s, he was a supporter of Martin Luther King and the Kennedys, even calling for gun control after Robert Kennedy's assassination. He did later call that a "mistake." It may be reasonable to assume this was a result of his disease rather than a true conversion of belief.

Charlton Heston was known for his many gripping performances, such as the gas station attendant in Wayne's World 2, the mustache guy in Tombstone, and Conan the Governator's boss in True Lies. He also frenched a chimpanzee in Planet of the Apes, yet inexplicably failed to tap the hot mute girl's ass, which probably means something. He then blew up the Earth in Planet of the Apes 2, perhaps thinking he would save us from the three additional sequels and the abysmal TV series, but to no avail.

Funeral services will not be held. Heston pissed off his potential officiants by stating, "Clergymen tend to be unreliable and pompous figures. Seldom Jewish rabbis, less often Catholic priests, but Protestant ministers tend to be... not really very admirable. Not necessarily evil, but silly. And wrong, of course."

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jared@pigdog.org