Build Date: Wed Feb 5 07:30:21 2025 UTC
You can't drink in parks around here; so I don't even know how to get to the parks. They might be nice, but I'll never know.
-- S. Dallas, Esq.
Columbine Tragedy Takes Turn for Worse
1999-06-29 05:30:25
Picture this: it's a benefit concert. It stars Lynyrd Skynyrd. It's a memorial for Columbine massacre victims. It will be beamed live to all Wal-Mart stores in the country. You can pinch yourself, but you won't wake up; once you start screaming, you might not be able to stop... in the Twilight Zone.
The "band," best known for its alltime lighter-raising standard "Freebird," will offer their musical version of throwing gasoline on a fire at a venue in Denver on August 10. Even better, for people like me who live their entire lives dreading the day that something like this comes to bear, the opening act: Nazareth.
Look, I am as touchy-feely as the next guy when it comes to Feeling Bad for Columbine Victims, but is this FAIR? I'm asking, is this kind of thing HUMANE?
Lynyrd Skynyrd. Nazareth. Columbine weeping and gnashing of teeth. Wal-Mart. Be there be there be there, unless you're some kind of fucking goth.
T O P S T O R I E S
The Future Ain't What It Used To Be
Ideas have taken horrifying shape and rooted into our modern reality. (More...)
The Once & Future King of Dust
Only The Onion could have acquired Infowarts. (More...)
Another Nobel Prize-Winning Author Describes Drunkenness
This book won a Pulitzer Prize. Here's its famous paragraph on getting drunk... (More...)
Why I'm pretty sure JD Vance had sex with a couch
True or false? The answers await us in that magical land where all truths are revealed -- the internet. (More...)
In 2010 Dr. Cheng-Huai Ruan discovered a way to cause a patient with an abnormal heartbeat to get back into a normal rhythm by sticking a finger up the patient's ass. (More...)
WKRP in Cincinnati aired from 1978 through 1982. Howard Hesseman played Dr. Johnny Fever, a DJ from Los Angeles who was fired from his previous job for saying the word "booger" on the air. In the show Hesseman would do some dialogue, introduce a song, and start the song. You'd hear a few notes, but never the whole song. (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
Patient Joab's scientifick editorial discusses aspect of the space-time-beer continuum never before processed by sub-bush-robot minds!!! Too fabulantastic to contempulate! (More...)
Our team of crack journalists went insane, and made the drive from Concord, California to Concord, New Hasmpshire on Interstate 80. Read the insightful observations of our intrepid travelers made on their journey into the heartland. (More...)
We here in SMRL's Beverage Research Lab realize that there is more to life than just drinking spocktails. It's important to have other activities. One such activity that we wholeheartedly support is dancing six or more hours to Trance music. So we have designed a drink to accommodate this. (More...)
An innocent trip to the Central Market resulted in a severe attack of arachnophobia (and a meal) when a depraved street kid set her vicious pet spider on an unsuspecting shopper. (More...)
Another Spocktail from the beverage researchers at SMRL: Home of The Deathwave Bar & Grill! (More...)
This week: another fine spocktail from the beverage researchers at SMRL! Drink it in peace, because WE DID THE RESEARCH! (More...)
