Build Date: Sun Mar 30 15:11:33 2025 UTC
Freaks also need to be divided into two categories, the really scary freaks and the just sorta cute & cuddly freaks.
-- Lisa Scovel
Ave Cletus! We Who Hoedown Salute You!
2000-02-21 16:40:07
The appalling state of education in this country never ceases to amaze me. Only recently in an informal office poll did I learn that NO ONE has heard of the greatest of rulers: Cletus Porcinus, the Slack-Jawed Emperor of Rome.
Noted primarily for the accident involving the misfiring of a Welsh longbow into his own foot, Cletus the Slack-Jawed brought many technological innovations to the empire including moonshine, grits, ringworm, moon pies, and outhouses.
The populace took the better part of Cletus's astounding four-week reign to grow accustomed to these advances in science. The extensive sewer tunnels that had once carried away the great city of Rome's sewage and detritus were used instead for "critter huntin'", and use of moonshine in the vomitoria eventually became the norm.
The bane of Cletus's reign (and, many say, the problem that drove him to his death) were a rowdy group of Gauls known as the "Fratres Hazardi". These men were the finest charioteers on the entire continent, and they often left Cletus's own imperial steed inverted in a ditch as they blew past the border into the safety of their homeland.
Cletus's death, which took place in a duck blind along the Tiber, is often disputed; but it is widely believed that he died from a gangrene infection he received while opening a tin of mustard sardines. Known across the land for regularly taking the auspices with the companionship of his hound dog, Enos, Cletus could often be found outside the palace walls.
Most of the cletian inventions were subsequently purged by Cletus's successor, Plautus the Polymath. Cletus's many barefoot and pregnant cousins were sent into a rigorous regime of "readin', scribin', and hirin' arabs to do 'rithmetic", from which only a precious few emerged.
Plautus spent the majority of his treasury converting the coliseum from a racetrack for dogs and cock fights back to more traditional roman entertainment. The conversion process was so long and costly that demolition derbies had to be staged in nearby farmland in order to keep the masses occupied. The resulting debris was later harvested by the locals for parts, and many a villa could be found with three or four half-built chariots up on marble blocks.
To this day, the buck-toothed deathmask of Cletus has not been found, though documents have proven that it remained as the lid of Plautus's rennovated latrine for several decades.
T O P S T O R I E S
California Glory Hole attracts huge crowds
A glory hole at Napa's Lake Berryessa is drawing huge crowds. According to Chris Lee, the general manager for the Solano County Water Agency, the glory hole hasn't been active since 2019, and only restarted operations on Feb 4. (More...)
Republican State Senator busted after soliciting a teenage girl
Republican State Senator Justin Eichorn of Minnesota was arrested for soliciting a teen girl on Monday just hours after he introduced a bill proposing "Trump derangement syndrome" (TDS) as a form of mental illness. (More...)
Parents claim measles is not that bad after having only one child die
The parents of a Texas girl who died from the measles are defending their decision not to vaccinate their daughter. "She says they would still say 'Don't do the shots,'" an unidentified translator for the parents said. "They think it’s not as bad as the media is making it out to be." (More...)
Delusional rich man tries to fire town staff
"I'm mayor now" said write-in mayoral candidate and founder of Pirate’s Booty Snacks Robert Ehrlich after losing the election for Mayor of Sea Cliff, NY. Then he tried to take over the Village Hall and fire everyone. (More...)
Musk claims Xitter security is staffed by idiots
Earlier this month Xitter experienced a massive outage. In an interview, Musk told Fox Business that he believes the attack came from "IP addresses originating in the Ukraine area." (More...)
The Future Ain't What It Used To Be
Ideas have taken horrifying shape and rooted into our modern reality. (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
The Ancient and Correct Sake Ceremony
Many Americans have learned to appreciate the delicate, sophisticated flavors of Japanese food and drink, along with the beautifully refined rituals of Japanese dining. San Francisco, as a gateway between East and West, has especially benefited from the flowering of Eastern consciousness in America. It is hardly possible to walk down the street without stepping on somebody's sushi. (More...)
Songs Of Love And Special Things
Well, dear reader, there's no denying it: Spring has sprung. The air is pungent with the fertile aroma of Romance. And you know what goes with Romance, don't you? That's right, Lover, porn. And not just any porn, but the kind you can sing along to. (More...)
My dear and close friend, Porn Maven Shannon Mariemont, sent me a titillating message the other day about her new project: the PornOrchestra. Her desire, at most, is to reinvent the porn soundtrack and, at least, to receive a cease-and-desist order like all her cool friends did last year. (More...)
Owner of 6 Medical Marijuana Dispensaries Arrested
Reefer madness or a government fabrication? (More...)
The Peppermill Is Not Good For You
Paradise lounge on the strip. Expense it, bad boy! (More...)