Build Date: Tue Mar 4 21:30:13 2025 UTC
I'll condescend to you all I want, bee-yatch. If you don't want to be
condescended to, don't act like a putz.
-- Mr. Bad
Wizards & Bears & Crazy Hillbillies In Hotrods, Oh My!
2000-04-13 07:16:43
Spring is finally here, and pretty soon, if not already you and thousands of other Pigdog readers will be packing up, and heading out on vacation. But where to go? How about a vacation that includes being chased by a crazy hillbilly in a rusty hotrod, armed with a machinegun?
Sure, you could go to Yellowstone, The Grand Canyon, or some other place that will be overrun with cow-like tourists who's only purpose in life is to make you totally miserable. Who needs that kind of frustration? Personally, I'll be going to Clark's Trading Post in North Woodstock New Hampshire, who give the maximum amount of bang for your buck.
Let's start off with the Russian clowns. This family of former KGB agents and informers dress up in funny outfits and makeup, then demonstrate their spying and torture techniques for your amusement!
After that, you are going to need to cool down. So how about a ride on The Old Mill Pond Water Bumper Boats? Careful not to get too near the mill entrance, or you might find yourself trying dodge the other ride, The Old Mill Pond Buzzsaw.
After a relaxing ride around the pond, you'll want something that will inspire awe in you and perhaps the entire family. Say no more. Merlin, after he got tired of dealing with that Scottish loser (is their any other kind?) King Arthur, moved to New Hampshire, built a house and settled down. Many centuries later, he and his house are part of Clark's cornucopia of entertainment. Enter and marvel as Merlin transports you through dizzying alternate dimensions, knocking on the doors of C'thulu, turning your world upside down. Wow!
After that, you probably will want to get away for a while. May we suggest a ride on the White Mountain Central Railroad? For about thirty minutes, you'll be transported through some of the most beautiful scenic landscapes found in New ?Hampshire. I should mention, that in order to see this, Ol' Clark had to build the railroad through the backyard of a crazy hillbilly family, who love nothing more than to shoot at the tourists from their vehicles with assault weapons stolen from local NRA members.
And finally you can end the day with trained bear show. Each show is completely unrehearsed. There's a very good chance that proprietor Murray Clark will be mauled to death. It'll entertain you, and teach the kids not to fuck with carnivores. Now that's family entertainment!
T O P S T O R I E S
The Future Ain't What It Used To Be
Ideas have taken horrifying shape and rooted into our modern reality. (More...)
The Once & Future King of Dust
Only The Onion could have acquired Infowarts. (More...)
Another Nobel Prize-Winning Author Describes Drunkenness
This book won a Pulitzer Prize. Here's its famous paragraph on getting drunk... (More...)
Why I'm pretty sure JD Vance had sex with a couch
True or false? The answers await us in that magical land where all truths are revealed -- the internet. (More...)
In 2010 Dr. Cheng-Huai Ruan discovered a way to cause a patient with an abnormal heartbeat to get back into a normal rhythm by sticking a finger up the patient's ass. (More...)
WKRP in Cincinnati aired from 1978 through 1982. Howard Hesseman played Dr. Johnny Fever, a DJ from Los Angeles who was fired from his previous job for saying the word "booger" on the air. In the show Hesseman would do some dialogue, introduce a song, and start the song. You'd hear a few notes, but never the whole song. (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
A Day in the Life of a Beverotologist
It was starting to look like a very boring Saturday, trapped as I was in the suburban wastelands of the outer Bay Area, so I called my Able Assistant (AA) and proposed that we perform some Spocktail field tests. For some time I've been working on creating the quintessential cinematic beverage and even tho' SMRL does most of its testing during nocturnal hours, this seemed an opportune time to roll up the sleeves of our labcoats and get some science done. While the beverotology creation tested this day (The Neurotoxin) must be deemed a success, this article focuses more the journey of the experimenters, rather then the science of beverotology. (More...)
When you've been up all night sampling other Spocktails and guzzling absinthe, you need a morning pick-me-up with some KICK. Time for a tall glass of Blurry Sharp Meltdown! (More...)
Johnnie Royale's Guide to Wakes
Wakes can present problems for Bad People of the Future. (If you don't know what a BPotF is, you need to read more of the PDJ.) Sure, your friend is gone and you miss him and that really sucks; it does, I know. But all Bad People of the Future are gonna die, and they have all accepted that fact. They do deserve, however, to have one final kickass party to celebrate all the bad things they've done in the past, present and future. And you, as a friend, have to make sure that their desire for a final send off is well executed (sorry for the pun). That's just the way of BPotFdom. (More...)
Paranoid Strippers & Psychotic Crack Dealers (Tales of Christmas Eve)
Christmas day, for the last 17 or so years has bored me. I find that the real fun and excitement always takes place on Christmas Eve. Every other year, it's the excitement of the metaphorical hunt instead of the kill. Otherwise, it's just plain bad craziness. (More...)
Clowns Take on God in Mysterious Annual Ceremony
Last Sunday's (the 6th) Grimaldi Service at a small church in East London was a red-letter day for clowns worldwide. About a hundred old-school red-nosed clowns made the sombre trip to darkest Dalston to pay their respects to clowns who died in the last year and to thank God for the gift of laughter in a bizarre ceremony presided over by the eccentric Reverend Clown Roly, resplendent in a garish red lumberjack shirt with oversized gold lapels. (More...)
Spock Went, Spock Wrote, Spock Kicked Ass
Every Labor Day weekend a large portion of the PDJ staff joins 30,000 other freaks at one of the biggest and strangest art festivals in the world - Burning Man - somewhere on the edge of the Black Rock Desert. Our base of operations is always the ultra swank Spock Mountain Research Labs - the World Leaders in Beverage Science and Leisure Technology. This year, we hauled up our computers, printers and a massive digital duplicator, determined to become Black Rock City's third daily newspaper. Even Spock was surprised by our success - news will never be viewed the same on the playa. Read all seven issues of the 2002 Spock Science Monitor for yourself and see why. (More...)
