Build Date: Wed Dec 25 14:20:13 2024 UTC
I no longer have a soul, having bartered it long ago for dashing good looks and a handful of super-powers.
-- Lenny Tuberose
Wizards & Bears & Crazy Hillbillies In Hotrods, Oh My!
2000-04-13 07:16:43
Spring is finally here, and pretty soon, if not already you and thousands of other Pigdog readers will be packing up, and heading out on vacation. But where to go? How about a vacation that includes being chased by a crazy hillbilly in a rusty hotrod, armed with a machinegun?
Sure, you could go to Yellowstone, The Grand Canyon, or some other place that will be overrun with cow-like tourists who's only purpose in life is to make you totally miserable. Who needs that kind of frustration? Personally, I'll be going to Clark's Trading Post in North Woodstock New Hampshire, who give the maximum amount of bang for your buck.
Let's start off with the Russian clowns. This family of former KGB agents and informers dress up in funny outfits and makeup, then demonstrate their spying and torture techniques for your amusement!
After that, you are going to need to cool down. So how about a ride on The Old Mill Pond Water Bumper Boats? Careful not to get too near the mill entrance, or you might find yourself trying dodge the other ride, The Old Mill Pond Buzzsaw.
After a relaxing ride around the pond, you'll want something that will inspire awe in you and perhaps the entire family. Say no more. Merlin, after he got tired of dealing with that Scottish loser (is their any other kind?) King Arthur, moved to New Hampshire, built a house and settled down. Many centuries later, he and his house are part of Clark's cornucopia of entertainment. Enter and marvel as Merlin transports you through dizzying alternate dimensions, knocking on the doors of C'thulu, turning your world upside down. Wow!
After that, you probably will want to get away for a while. May we suggest a ride on the White Mountain Central Railroad? For about thirty minutes, you'll be transported through some of the most beautiful scenic landscapes found in New ?Hampshire. I should mention, that in order to see this, Ol' Clark had to build the railroad through the backyard of a crazy hillbilly family, who love nothing more than to shoot at the tourists from their vehicles with assault weapons stolen from local NRA members.
And finally you can end the day with trained bear show. Each show is completely unrehearsed. There's a very good chance that proprietor Murray Clark will be mauled to death. It'll entertain you, and teach the kids not to fuck with carnivores. Now that's family entertainment!
T O P S T O R I E S
The Once & Future King of Dust
Only The Onion could have acquired Infowarts. (More...)
Another Nobel Prize-Winning Author Describes Drunkenness
This book won a Pulitzer Prize. Here's its famous paragraph on getting drunk... (More...)
'Why I'm pretty sure JD Vance had sex with a couch'
True or false? The answers await us in that magical land where all truths are revealed -- the internet. (More...)
In 2010 Dr. Cheng-Huai Ruan discovered a way to cause a patient with an abnormal heartbeat to get back into a normal rhythm by sticking a finger up the patient's ass. (More...)
WKRP in Cincinnati aired from 1978 through 1982. Howard Hesseman played Dr. Johnny Fever, a DJ from Los Angeles who was fired from his previous job for saying the word "booger" on the air. In the show Hesseman would do some dialogue, introduce a song, and start the song. You'd hear a few notes, but never the whole song. (More...)
SF Hippies Can't Get Their Act Together
The annual 420 Hippie Hill event in Golden Gate Park, where large crowds of hippies, wannabe hippies, and hippie poseurs drape themselves in tie dye t-shirts and gather on a hill on 4/20 to smoke weed, was cancelled this year because the organizers couldn't get their act together. (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
Pigdog brings you SETI astronomer Seth Shostak to bring you the truth about Ay-leens (More...)
You need to make a fruity tropical drink and you have no recipe? Here's a mix recently tested by Pigdog's crack bevertology team that's made with ingredients available from most any grocery store. It tastes sweet, fruity, and is perfect for guzzling on the last hot days of summer. (More...)
The quest for knowledge never ends at the super top secret Spock Mountain Laboratory, although it is frequently interrupted by beverage breaks. Recently, a team of crack ethnomixologists returned from a dangerous expedition to the frozen expanse of Canada with the much sought recipe for a Spocktail that is destined to replace blunt force head trauma as the major cause of brain damage in the civilized world. (More...)
I just came across this coolio essay by Pigdog Journal Science Editor binky wedged between two staves in the back corner of the submissions barrel. It's on the origin of the cyberbilly and is definitely de rigeur for any serious student of this fascinating sociological movement. (More...)
An innocent trip to the Central Market resulted in a severe attack of arachnophobia (and a meal) when a depraved street kid set her vicious pet spider on an unsuspecting shopper. (More...)
The Walken / Country Bear Conspiracy
As has been recently reported in the PDJ, Christopher Walken, evil s00per villain extraordinaire, will be appearing next month in Disney's newest release, The Country Bear Movie. Always playing some wicked and very disturbed badass in movies like Sleepy Hollow, Illuminata, The Prophecy I, II, III, Pulp Fiction, Batman Returns, The Milagro Beanfield War, A View to a Kill, The Dogs of War, Heaven's Gate, and The Deer Hunter, Walken is unsuprisingly a big favorite in the PDJ news room. (More...)