Build Date: Sun Jun 28 14:10:08 2026 UTC
The US national anthem started out as a song about getting drunk and fucking.
-- Gustafson
World's Most Fucked-with Little Boy Gets More Shit Dumped on Him
2000-01-09 21:35:06
Man, I just don't know what to say about this Elian Gonzales kid. I mean, nobody deserves the crap this kid is getting. It's like a hole opened up in the sky and an endless stream of War Turds are raining down on him forever. Poor little bastard.
In a just world, this wouldn't happen. In a just world, a kid who survived a trip from Cuba to Florida in a tropical storm strapped to a piece of plywood with the bloated corpse of his drowned mother would get to go to the Big Rock Candy Mountain or the Willy Wonka factory and gorge himself on ice cream and play Sony Dreamcast for ever and ever and ever.
But it's not a just world. There are people who can look at a story like Elian's and think, "How can I make hay out of this little kid's unimaginable misery? How can I turn the publicity around this kid's Sandpaper Odyssey to the Fuckdungeons of Hell into some advantage for my political agenda?" So they fuck with this kid and make him an international symbol of SOMETHING, a political prize, a Rorschach image for their own weirdo ideas of what's right and wrong in the world.
I propose that there be a special kind of passport given out by the United Nations or something for kids like EG who've been through the Shitblaster Gauntlet and come out the other side. Some cool little booklet that says, "I have been places you and your ridiculous cronies pray that will never see. Your stupid national borders and diplomacy and embargoes and etcetera mean fuckall to me. Get out of my way and let me get on with my life."
This would be superfantastic. There's just a point when you don't deserve the horseshit treatment from bureaucrats and armed thugs, and Elian Gonzales has crossed it.
T O P S T O R I E S
America's National Recording Registry Inducts Culturally Significant Artist - Weezer!
America's Library of Congress calls them "defining sounds of history and culture" and "audio treasures worthy of preservation for all time based on their cultural, historical or aesthetic importance in the nation’s recorded sound heritage." Ladies and gentlemen, I give you... Weezer! (More...)
The Crossroads are real and The Blues is a place; The enduring myth of Robert Johnson (More...)
California Glory Hole attracts huge crowds
A glory hole at Napa's Lake Berryessa is drawing huge crowds. According to Chris Lee, the general manager for the Solano County Water Agency, the glory hole hasn't been active since 2019, and only restarted operations on Feb 4. (More...)
Republican State Senator busted after soliciting a teenage girl
Republican State Senator Justin Eichorn of Minnesota was arrested for soliciting a teen girl on Monday just hours after he introduced a bill proposing "Trump derangement syndrome" (TDS) as a form of mental illness. (More...)
Parents claim measles is not that bad after having only one child die
The parents of a Texas girl who died from the measles are defending their decision not to vaccinate their daughter. "She says they would still say 'Don't do the shots,'" an unidentified translator for the parents said. "They think it’s not as bad as the media is making it out to be." (More...)
Delusional rich man tries to fire town staff
"I'm mayor now" said write-in mayoral candidate and founder of Pirate’s Booty Snacks Robert Ehrlich after losing the election for Mayor of Sea Cliff, NY. Then he tried to take over the Village Hall and fire everyone. (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
First there was the Bloody Mary: Vodka, Tomato Juice, Worcestershire sauce, some spices, and celery. We drank it, and it was good. Then any drink with tomato juice got a prefix of "bloody" attached to it. We drank them, and they were mostly bad. Now Pigdog gets back to basics and introduces The Bloody Dog, a drink with REAL BLOOD in it. HUMAN BLOOD. (More...)
One of our star reporters was sent to Comdex by his employer. El Destino reports live from the biggest, geekiest trade show in the world. (More...)
Report from Spiritual Machines
Arkuat gives you the inside scoop on the "Spiritual Machines" panel and conclave. Wacky excitement ensues! (More...)
Patient Joab's scientifick editorial discusses aspect of the space-time-beer continuum never before processed by sub-bush-robot minds!!! Too fabulantastic to contempulate! (More...)
Ratsnatcher gets HOT HOT HOT in this classic road tale that looks at the steamy underworld of Bay Area Linux advocacy. Loosen your collar for this one! (More...)
War on Terror produces excess inventory of doomsday ready laptops
The War on Terror has resulted in a rush of new technology useful to the general population. (More...)
