Build Date: Sat Apr 26 08:30:47 2025 UTC
I must have eaten some really stupid people's brains.
-- Downer Cow
Cashing in your Cheetos
2021-04-12 05:27:44
Depending on whether you've smoked a bowl of some supreme weed, eaten some psilocybin mushrooms, or microdosed on LSD, a Cheeto can take on a life of it's own. Appearing to some as a duck or a character from Game of Thrones, rare Cheeto aficionados are taking their delicious miniature sculpted cheesy discoveries and selling them off on EBay to the highest bidder, raking in tens of dollars.
If you've ever opened a bag of Cheetos and been disappointed that none are shaped like a "Y", for a mere $50 you can buy one on EBay.
If you're more of a Spongebob Squarepants fan, you can go for the The McCrab, which looks a lot like the Y with a bit nibbled off, also only $50.
Speaking of being so ripped to the gills that you might buy a Cheeto on EBay, of course there's a Bong-shaped Cheeto. You can't smoke weed out of it, but you can spend $24.99 on it.
Can you tell the difference between The Revolver Penis ($25) and The Rocket Launch, aka "the space hard-on" ($50)? Professional Cheeto Appraisers know -- The Rocket Launch points up!
There's the "if you squint real hard you can see a man chugging a beer" Cheeto for $100 and the Statue of Liberty Cheeto (aka the saguaro cactus with spina bifida Cheeto) for $200.
If you're looking for something more collectable, try the Cheeto that does not look anything like the Lego pizza delivery man Cheeto for $50, the BLM hands up don't shoot Cheeto (aka Jesus with elephantiasis) for $25, and "this would look like Peter Dinklage if he was playing Joseph Merrick in an off-broadway, low-budget, musical version of The Elephant Man" Cheeto for $175.
And if that's too many Cheetos for you to choose from, there's always the Cheeto making the American Sign Language sign for "asshole". Only $100. Quantities are limited. Order now.
T O P S T O R I E S
California Glory Hole attracts huge crowds
A glory hole at Napa's Lake Berryessa is drawing huge crowds. According to Chris Lee, the general manager for the Solano County Water Agency, the glory hole hasn't been active since 2019, and only restarted operations on Feb 4. (More...)
Republican State Senator busted after soliciting a teenage girl
Republican State Senator Justin Eichorn of Minnesota was arrested for soliciting a teen girl on Monday just hours after he introduced a bill proposing "Trump derangement syndrome" (TDS) as a form of mental illness. (More...)
Parents claim measles is not that bad after having only one child die
The parents of a Texas girl who died from the measles are defending their decision not to vaccinate their daughter. "She says they would still say 'Don't do the shots,'" an unidentified translator for the parents said. "They think it’s not as bad as the media is making it out to be." (More...)
Delusional rich man tries to fire town staff
"I'm mayor now" said write-in mayoral candidate and founder of Pirate’s Booty Snacks Robert Ehrlich after losing the election for Mayor of Sea Cliff, NY. Then he tried to take over the Village Hall and fire everyone. (More...)
Musk claims Xitter security is staffed by idiots
Earlier this month Xitter experienced a massive outage. In an interview, Musk told Fox Business that he believes the attack came from "IP addresses originating in the Ukraine area." (More...)
The Future Ain't What It Used To Be
Ideas have taken horrifying shape and rooted into our modern reality. (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
Report from Spiritual Machines
Arkuat gives you the inside scoop on the "Spiritual Machines" panel and conclave. Wacky excitement ensues! (More...)
It was early in May last year when I first heard about Spock Mountain Research Labs. I was working on a story about a Hungarian scientist's new approach to nucleopeptide synthesis when I got a call from my friend Albert. (More...)
A Blast from the Past! Pao Tzu goes over and under the crucial variables in the production and consumption of Salvia Divinorum. A must read for psychonauts of all stripes. (More...)
The Deep Dark Underbelly of the Star Wars Myth, or Ramayana Remembered
It's a fact: Star Wars is a blatant plagiarism of an ancient Asian legend, and the long lines of devout Star Wars freaks are really unscrupulous Asian copyright busters. From Indonesia to Thailand to Nepal, videos are available for sale or rent before they're even released in the US and UK due to this nerdy camcorder-clutching bunch. (More...)
Vacationing from Somnambulant Narrow Realities
So about six months ago, I was chilling in Chang Mai, Thailand with ICBINJ, perursing the Bangkok Times over my banana pancake and Big Chang breakfast when I spotted this article reprinted from the LA Times. It was about some kooks from California (where else?) who were claiming to have been to the front lines in Afgahnistan in mid-December and had recorded the whole feat on their website. "Holy Fuck!" I thought, "Now That's web journalism. Who are these guys!?" (More...)
Songs Of Love And Special Things
Well, dear reader, there's no denying it: Spring has sprung. The air is pungent with the fertile aroma of Romance. And you know what goes with Romance, don't you? That's right, Lover, porn. And not just any porn, but the kind you can sing along to. (More...)
