Build Date: Sat Mar 29 03:50:30 2025 UTC
I don't translate well into meat-space.
-- Negative Nancy
Reality Crashes Down in Broomfield
1999-07-12 16:19:56
A veritable shitstorm of biblical proportions engulfed Broomfield: City of Crime this week, as a quick glance at the latest Poilce and Fire log showed a rash of barbaric, hate-fueled gutter emotions running unchecked through the once-glorious and peaceful burg.
Residents were advised by a leftover Cold War-era loudspeaker system to stay inside their homes at all times and to lock their doors and bar their windows and other entryways. Residents owning guns who were advised to stock up on bullets at the local Ace Hardware store were perplexed when they discovered that the store had gone out of business six months ago.
A quick summary of the flashpoint violence last week:
- Two juvenile males got into a physical fight at the Target store
- A lawn mower was stolen
- An abandoned car with a broken windshield was discovered; police were not immediately able to assess whether anything of value was stolen from the car
- A juvenile broke his parents' telephone. Loss: $175
- A 7-year-old boy broke a window
- A portable toilet seat was set on fire
- Two trees were damaged
- A garage window was damaged
- Three adult females used the pool at Highlander Apartments after hours
- A dead man was discovered
- A tiki torch was assaulted
- Graffiti was discovered on the 96th Street interchage
These are not happy days for Broomfield: City of Crime, my friends.
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