Build Date: Sat Feb 22 15:40:43 2025 UTC
All great quotes should end with 'my ass'
-- Bubba Barnett
Mind-bending Braingames Torture Last Remaining Broomfield Survivors
2002-05-04 11:28:11
Tossed and flayed on a hell-sea of crime, the last remaining residents of the blood-bathed mean streets of Broomfield, Colorado endure yet one more heinous torture flame from the furnace of crime: a mind-boggling scam game that toys with the victims' very understanding of right and wrong, up and down, death and very life.
Thought through clearly, it seems brutally obvious that the easiest potential prey for con men and false messiahs would be the tattered and scarred remnants of the Broomfield burger class. After all, torn by years of criminal rampaging shit-storms, the disoriented and disheartened citizens of Broomfield make easy pickings for those who would capitalize on the weak and anemic minds of the damned.
But even so, the scam pulled in the story below is beneath contempt. Perhaps a human being's last true natural right is the boundary between life and death. And yet the confidence artist uses the shadowy spaces on that very boundary to extract the last measly savings of hairkeepers and their kin, gripped in sweaty hands of desperate proto-humans with nowhere to turn.
Maybe the jackals do swoop down on the weakest among us, but it seems less than human to parade the corpse of a brave yet demolished hair-dresser -- a hair-dresser on the edge of life itself -- before her trembling colleagues, demanding their last meager shekels -- a mere $136 -- in the name of respect for the dead. Toying with emotions is one thing, but toying with a battered man's very comprehension of the fundamentals of qualitative physics is something else indeed.
It's time to demand the final evacuation of all remaining refugees in Broomfield, City of Crime. No longer can they face this influx of snake-oilers and carpet-bagging hucksters, shaking them down for blood money on the edge of eternity. When even the human mind is subject to criminal rampage, is it not time to pull out of the hellscape once and for all?
T O P S T O R I E S
The Future Ain't What It Used To Be
Ideas have taken horrifying shape and rooted into our modern reality. (More...)
The Once & Future King of Dust
Only The Onion could have acquired Infowarts. (More...)
Another Nobel Prize-Winning Author Describes Drunkenness
This book won a Pulitzer Prize. Here's its famous paragraph on getting drunk... (More...)
Why I'm pretty sure JD Vance had sex with a couch
True or false? The answers await us in that magical land where all truths are revealed -- the internet. (More...)
In 2010 Dr. Cheng-Huai Ruan discovered a way to cause a patient with an abnormal heartbeat to get back into a normal rhythm by sticking a finger up the patient's ass. (More...)
WKRP in Cincinnati aired from 1978 through 1982. Howard Hesseman played Dr. Johnny Fever, a DJ from Los Angeles who was fired from his previous job for saying the word "booger" on the air. In the show Hesseman would do some dialogue, introduce a song, and start the song. You'd hear a few notes, but never the whole song. (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
Paranoid Strippers & Psychotic Crack Dealers (Tales of Christmas Eve)
Christmas day, for the last 17 or so years has bored me. I find that the real fun and excitement always takes place on Christmas Eve. Every other year, it's the excitement of the metaphorical hunt instead of the kill. Otherwise, it's just plain bad craziness. (More...)
I just came across this coolio essay by Pigdog Journal Science Editor binky wedged between two staves in the back corner of the submissions barrel. It's on the origin of the cyberbilly and is definitely de rigeur for any serious student of this fascinating sociological movement. (More...)
An innocent trip to the Central Market resulted in a severe attack of arachnophobia (and a meal) when a depraved street kid set her vicious pet spider on an unsuspecting shopper. (More...)
Patient Joab's scientifick editorial discusses aspect of the space-time-beer continuum never before processed by sub-bush-robot minds!!! Too fabulantastic to contempulate! (More...)
A Treatise Prepared for the Gallup Organization on the Symbolism of the Scarab
Well dahlings, the response to my new tarot column has been quite overwhelming. I got three whole pieces of mail requesting my arcane insight. One asked why blogs suck so much, and one was a completely incomprehensible tale of bears shitting random numbers in the woods — I am fairly certain it was a cryptographic allegory. Howsomever, only ONE of the inquiries was accompanied by a crisp ten-dollar bill, and so it's the Gallup Organization that will this week reap the benefit of my wicked pack of cards. (More...)
A Day in the Life of a Beverotologist
It was starting to look like a very boring Saturday, trapped as I was in the suburban wastelands of the outer Bay Area, so I called my Able Assistant (AA) and proposed that we perform some Spocktail field tests. For some time I've been working on creating the quintessential cinematic beverage and even tho' SMRL does most of its testing during nocturnal hours, this seemed an opportune time to roll up the sleeves of our labcoats and get some science done. While the beverotology creation tested this day (The Neurotoxin) must be deemed a success, this article focuses more the journey of the experimenters, rather then the science of beverotology. (More...)
