Long Days and Deadly Nights in Broomfield
2000-02-07 11:19:19
BROOMFIELD -- A siege-like atmosphere permeated the air in this strife-ridden Colorado city over the last week, as citizens, desperate to see a break in the non-stop string of senseless acts that have plagued the formerly quiet burg over the last several months, instead were treated to yet another series of bizarre, unexplainable and sometimes violent acts.
First and foremost among Broomfield's new woes was the bizarre alleged assault on a 40-year old female playground monitor by a 10-year-old boy at a local elementary school. Police were unable to explain the boy's sudden and vicious attack, which began with him tackling the helpless woman and ended with seven large security officers pulling the feral child off the victim, whose scalp was ravaged with deep-sunk claw marks resembling those of "a cougar, or maybe a wolverine," according to eyewitnesses.
The boy was taken to a local quarantine center and quickly euthanized, but the frenzied, mob-like violence in the burning remains of Broomfield continued unabated. Among the grim highlights:
- 10 accidents and one DUI over a three-day period. While these totals are somewhat lower than usual for Broomfield, authorities caution that the totals may have been affected by more people than usual staying inside on the weekend and watching the Super Bowl on television. "When these bastards wake up and start to realize how much money they've lost on the game," said a reliable source, "they're going to get in their big trucks and drive around fast in a mad frenzy, weeping bitterly and operating their vehicles in an unnatural fashion. Huge chunks of earth will surely be ripped away as if the Hand of God Itself swooped down with great anger on Broomfield! Take heed!"
- A car window was broken by a gang of hoodlums, marking the 47th week in a row that this gang of hoodlums has broken a window. Police remain baffled as to the identities of the culprits.
- A well-planned furniture theft caper went off without a hitch at the Danish Furniture store. A gang of men reportedly wearing masks, black suits with white shirts and black ties, and calling themselves suchs things as "Mr. Yellow," and "Mr. White," etc., seized more than $10,000 worth of furniture in broad daylight and made a noisy getaway, firing their weapons wildly into the air as they fled.
- A couple left the Armadillo restaurant without paying their ten dollar bill. Police were summoned to the scene, where they noted a waiter's description of the couple. Two hours later, a lengthy police shootout in a mobile home park ended with both suspects dead from multiple stab wounds to the heart, neck and groin, and bullet wounds in the temple and abdomen, according to eyewitnesses. However, this incident was listed in Broomfield's official crime blotter as "disturbance involving alcohol."
T O P S T O R I E S
California Glory Hole attracts huge crowds
A glory hole at Napa's Lake Berryessa is drawing huge crowds. According to Chris Lee, the general manager for the Solano County Water Agency, the glory hole hasn't been active since 2019, and only restarted operations on Feb 4. (More...)
Republican State Senator busted after soliciting a teenage girl
Republican State Senator Justin Eichorn of Minnesota was arrested for soliciting a teen girl on Monday just hours after he introduced a bill proposing "Trump derangement syndrome" (TDS) as a form of mental illness. (More...)
Parents claim measles is not that bad after having only one child die
The parents of a Texas girl who died from the measles are defending their decision not to vaccinate their daughter. "She says they would still say 'Don't do the shots,'" an unidentified translator for the parents said. "They think it’s not as bad as the media is making it out to be." (More...)
Delusional rich man tries to fire town staff
"I'm mayor now" said write-in mayoral candidate and founder of Pirate’s Booty Snacks Robert Ehrlich after losing the election for Mayor of Sea Cliff, NY. Then he tried to take over the Village Hall and fire everyone. (More...)
Musk claims Xitter security is staffed by idiots
Earlier this month Xitter experienced a massive outage. In an interview, Musk told Fox Business that he believes the attack came from "IP addresses originating in the Ukraine area." (More...)
The Future Ain't What It Used To Be
Ideas have taken horrifying shape and rooted into our modern reality. (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
One of our star reporters was sent to Comdex by his employer. El Destino reports live from the biggest, geekiest trade show in the world. (More...)
The Ancient and Correct Sake Ceremony
Many Americans have learned to appreciate the delicate, sophisticated flavors of Japanese food and drink, along with the beautifully refined rituals of Japanese dining. San Francisco, as a gateway between East and West, has especially benefited from the flowering of Eastern consciousness in America. It is hardly possible to walk down the street without stepping on somebody's sushi. (More...)
I just came across this coolio essay by Pigdog Journal Science Editor binky wedged between two staves in the back corner of the submissions barrel. It's on the origin of the cyberbilly and is definitely de rigeur for any serious student of this fascinating sociological movement. (More...)
Our team of crack journalists went insane, and made the drive from Concord, California to Concord, New Hasmpshire on Interstate 80. Read the insightful observations of our intrepid travelers made on their journey into the heartland. (More...)
An innocent trip to the Central Market resulted in a severe attack of arachnophobia (and a meal) when a depraved street kid set her vicious pet spider on an unsuspecting shopper. (More...)
Poor Metallica. All they want is to continue to put out the same weak "Heavy Metal" they've been churning out since the "And Justice For All" days? and make gooey wads of cash in the process. The problem is, people aren't buying their bound for the heavy metal scrap heap, over-produced, uninspired, tired crap. And let's face it, their various commercial endorsements won't pay for the lifestyle they've become comfortably accustomed to. Resorting to lawsuits makes perfect sense, when you need spending money. But just one lawsuit isn't going to pay their bills. So, to aid Metallica, I've composed an open letter to the boys in the band, with suggestions as to whom else they might sic their lapdog lawyers on... (More...)