Build Date: Thu Apr 17 08:00:16 2025 UTC
If I see a van full of clowns driving down the Five that morning, I'm running them off the road.
-- Flesh
Once More Into the Behavioral Sink, Boys!
2000-05-10 00:28:05
Frankly, I just wanted to use that headline for something. I didn't have anything to go with it, so I looked around and found this story about Bryan Adams, the kind of story that makes you think, "Ick, Bryan Adams!" So now I can use this headline!
Also I get to piss off Canadians some more by using that headling and writing about Bryan Adams. Canadians love Bryan Adams, you see. He is their Cliff Richard, and you just can't tell them they are wrong and stupid for living Bryan Adams, even if they are. It is like if we here in America all got up one day and told the world, "Jim Nabors is our Great National Treasure! No one is a great a singer as Jim Nabors, so fuck off Italy and Spain and all those places with one or more of the Three Tenors! Jim Nabors kicks your BUTT!"
Ah, how dumb we would be. Ergo, Jim Nabors = Bryan Adams, except for exactly real to Canadia. See?!? Would you take any smack from a country like that? I don't think so. Real countries have real heroes. Like we have Mario Andretti. And Austria has Arnold Schwarzenegger. And Jamaica has those bobsled guys. Canadia has Bryan Adams, because that is the sort of chumps that they are up there.
Oh, so the story that the headline goes with! Some venture capitalist in Vancouver got married, and for the entertainment for the wedding, he had Bryan Adams "flown in from London" to play "music." Like Bryan Adams is really just sitting around waiting to be "flown in from London." Right. I bet he was working at a volunteer car wash in Saskatoon when the call came, and just SAID he was in London. And there's a big story about in the Vancouver Sun, because Canadians are desperate people.
I bet if Howie Mandel told jokes at some American guy's wedding, it wouldn't be in any real newspapers. Maybe some kind of giveaway shopper's sheet, but we aren't that kind of people, really.
T O P S T O R I E S
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Republican State Senator busted after soliciting a teenage girl
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Delusional rich man tries to fire town staff
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C L A S S I C P I G D O G
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A Nobel Prize-Winning Author Describes Liquor
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All this talk about death, wakes and Moloch recently has, frankly, got me a little worried. What if I'm next to go? I could slip on a wet banana peel and slam my head against an enormous brass statue at almost any time. I'm not planning well enough for this sort of thing. Who will talk for me when this terrible day comes? (More...)
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Well dahlings, the response to my new tarot column has been quite overwhelming. I got three whole pieces of mail requesting my arcane insight. One asked why blogs suck so much, and one was a completely incomprehensible tale of bears shitting random numbers in the woods — I am fairly certain it was a cryptographic allegory. Howsomever, only ONE of the inquiries was accompanied by a crisp ten-dollar bill, and so it's the Gallup Organization that will this week reap the benefit of my wicked pack of cards. (More...)
Johnnie Royale's Guide to Wakes
Wakes can present problems for Bad People of the Future. (If you don't know what a BPotF is, you need to read more of the PDJ.) Sure, your friend is gone and you miss him and that really sucks; it does, I know. But all Bad People of the Future are gonna die, and they have all accepted that fact. They do deserve, however, to have one final kickass party to celebrate all the bad things they've done in the past, present and future. And you, as a friend, have to make sure that their desire for a final send off is well executed (sorry for the pun). That's just the way of BPotFdom. (More...)
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