Build Date: Wed Jan 29 06:00:24 2025 UTC
There are physical limits to depravity.
-- Head Freezin' Gene
Happy Herb's Bistro
1999-05-12 15:04:53
Happy Herb's, as the sharp-minded of you will have guessed, serves ganja and since the Russian market got busted expatriates have had a reasonable excuse to go and munch some herb for supper. Herb also does hash coffees for brekky and will sell you a large Nescafe jar full of weed for a dollar.
The riverfront on the Tonle Sap makes a fine place for a wander in the afternoon. Khmer families light a stick of incense or two at the temple and stroll down past the Foreign Correspondent's Club, maybe munch on some sugar cane, maybe just watch the river meet the Mekong, and the Bassac fork away towards Vietnam. The French called it the "Quatre Bras," because the three big rivers resemble four arms.
Young Khmer blokes cruise the promenade showing off their fancy motos to giggling young girls, and beggars limp merrily after the big NGO landrovers. From a seat on the pavement outside Happy Herb's bistro you can get so filled up with love you'll wear a soppy grin for days.
Happy Herb's, as the sharp-minded of you will have guessed, serves ganja and since the Russian market got busted expatriates have had a reasonable excuse to go and munch some herb for supper. Herb also does hash coffees for brekky and will sell you a large Nescafe jar full of weed for a dollar.
After I'd ordered, Herb came out of the kitchen and asked, "Happy?" "Very," I replied. No point in half-measures, I thought and pulled a spliff out of my glasses case. Herb sat down and we began chatting.
Happy Herb's began in the heady days when the UN ruled Cambodia while they tried to sort out some half-decent elections. Cambodia was flooded with danger-seeking fools with astronomical wages which they squandered on drugs, prostitutes and fine dining. Herb was taught to cook pizzas by one of this crew, and suggested adding ganja, a traditional Khmer ingredient. (Later in the meal a veteran of the UN Transitional Authority in Cambodia came over, steaming drunk and blazing a big Sherlock Holmes style pipe. "I used to be Very Important!" he said to a military policeman who couldn't understand English. "I was an Election Monitor in 93!" His Khmer wife and child stood back in embarrassment.)
Herb's always been a dab hand in the kitchen. He was his unit's cook in the civil war, before he ran away. "I didn't want to fight," he said. As his unit was nearing the battlefield he and his two mates jumped off the lorry and legged it into the jungle. Because he was a deserter no one would give him a lift, so it took him a week to walk back to Phnom Penh. He sold all of his gear for food except for his AK-47, which he keeps to shoo away the tiny lizards that gather around light bulbs at night. "I take out the powder from the bullets," he says, "I leave just enough to stun the little chik-chaks."
The pizza arrived on a nice wooden platter. Herb's found a blend of spices that complements the flavour of ganja perfectly. Anyone who's tried cooking with weed will know that it leaves a sharp taste that overwhelms the rest of the food. Herb's pizza has managed to tone it down with lots of creamy cheese, oregano and some other Italian herbs.
A big thunderstorm was brewing as I ate. Trigger-happy Cambodians like to shoot at storms to make it rain and the first few maniacs were loosing off a few. The air became tense and muggy as it does before a storm. Suddenly the river turned into a huge black snake which I quickly realized had nefarious designs on the Naga floating casino. I was expecting something like this. The stream of motos on the promenade were dopplering very oddly, giving me the sensation I was on a magic roundabout. Equally suddenly I noticed I was sitting on a chair by a table and a street kid was begging a cigarette. I gave him one and lit another for myself; it cooled me right out. Gunfire echoed around the city and it began to rain so hard the trees on the other side of the road were invisible. After some time it stopped and I got a moto through the cleansed air and shiny streets. Flashing fairy lights hung across the street to advertise brothels left tracers a hundred feet long that glittered and flashed around my head.
The Cambodia Daily said in their restaurant guide "If you decide you aren't going back to work anyway after lunch, by all means have Herb sprinkle some happiness on your pizza, but unless you want to zone out for a couple of days, ask for "tik-tik. (Khmer for "a little.") This correspondent asked for "tom-tom" and was still tripping the same time the next day, all loved-up over pastis at sunset watching the promenade again.
Verdict: An excellent meal with great side-effects. One pizza with two beers cost £3.50 in crisp green Yankee money.
Oliver Green, Ganja Gonzo Extraordinaire
T O P S T O R I E S
The Future Ain't What It Used To Be
Ideas have taken horrifying shape and rooted into our modern reality. (More...)
The Once & Future King of Dust
Only The Onion could have acquired Infowarts. (More...)
Another Nobel Prize-Winning Author Describes Drunkenness
This book won a Pulitzer Prize. Here's its famous paragraph on getting drunk... (More...)
Why I'm pretty sure JD Vance had sex with a couch
True or false? The answers await us in that magical land where all truths are revealed -- the internet. (More...)
In 2010 Dr. Cheng-Huai Ruan discovered a way to cause a patient with an abnormal heartbeat to get back into a normal rhythm by sticking a finger up the patient's ass. (More...)
WKRP in Cincinnati aired from 1978 through 1982. Howard Hesseman played Dr. Johnny Fever, a DJ from Los Angeles who was fired from his previous job for saying the word "booger" on the air. In the show Hesseman would do some dialogue, introduce a song, and start the song. You'd hear a few notes, but never the whole song. (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
Negative Nancy, touring the gin joints of the world, sent us her latest Spocktail creation, The Inattentive Beachcomber, which she concocted and field tested somewhere in South East Asia. (More...)
I just came across this coolio essay by Pigdog Journal Science Editor binky wedged between two staves in the back corner of the submissions barrel. It's on the origin of the cyberbilly and is definitely de rigeur for any serious student of this fascinating sociological movement. (More...)
Clowns Take on God in Mysterious Annual Ceremony
Last Sunday's (the 6th) Grimaldi Service at a small church in East London was a red-letter day for clowns worldwide. About a hundred old-school red-nosed clowns made the sombre trip to darkest Dalston to pay their respects to clowns who died in the last year and to thank God for the gift of laughter in a bizarre ceremony presided over by the eccentric Reverend Clown Roly, resplendent in a garish red lumberjack shirt with oversized gold lapels. (More...)
We here at Spock Mountain Research Labs (SMRL - world leaders in beverage research and leisure technology) have been noting some complaints about a few of the last Spocktails recipes we’ve released to the general public. Some complaints received to barfback and pigdog-l have centered around the opinion that no one in their right minds would make the drink in question much less consume it. (More...)
Place the Lighter on the Ground and Let Us See Your Hands
So I have been thinking on this whole flag burning issue and all the things it could imply. Now a lot of people right now are saying that there are more important issues at stake and something so trivial is a waste of time. Believing such is really losing sight of some very key changes happening in our nation right now. Being a strict conservative, and currently serving in Iraq, I was surprised to find that I am actually appalled that the House approved a ban on flag burning. (More...)
Vacationing from Somnambulant Narrow Realities
So about six months ago, I was chilling in Chang Mai, Thailand with ICBINJ, perursing the Bangkok Times over my banana pancake and Big Chang breakfast when I spotted this article reprinted from the LA Times. It was about some kooks from California (where else?) who were claiming to have been to the front lines in Afgahnistan in mid-December and had recorded the whole feat on their website. "Holy Fuck!" I thought, "Now That's web journalism. Who are these guys!?" (More...)