Build Date: Wed Mar 5 04:00:19 2025 UTC
Bill Gates is such an idiot he had initials burned into my ass.
-- rotten elf
Beaujolais Nouveau! Need I Say More?!
2000-11-15 15:55:02
Can you believe it's here again already? It hardly seems that a year has passed since the BEAUJOLAIS NOUVEAU was last unleashed on an unwitting world. The shards of glass have hardly been swept up, the wounds have barely healed, and the DIABOLICAL WINEMONGERERS of the Beaujolais region are already going to flood us with bacchanalian vino! Where is the justice!?
As I have said before, and will probably say again... Beaujolais Nouveau is on its way. Gaaah! The traditional third Thursday of November, when the new vintage of Beaujolais wine is released for the first time, is TOMORROW! 2000-11-16!!! Can you believe it?
As of this writing, it is only about an HOUR until the peasants of the Beaujolais valley start rolling the barrels of Beaujo out onto the roads and down the hills to the cities below. This is not made up, folks! Seriously, they wait until one minute past midnight before releasing the wine. Then it is flown ALL OVER THE WORLD, to Hong Kong and Lima and Cairo and Zurich, where wine-slavering oeno-mavens await with clutching paws! Because, as they say, "Le Beaujolais Nouveau est arrive'"!!!
B.N. is well known for its qualities of TOTAL REMOVAL of INHIBITION, INCREASED LIBIDO (by many orders of magnitude), INCITEMENT to RIOT and other VIOLENT DETRIMENTS to CIVILIZATION. As Beaujolais nouveau sweeps the planet in a red gushing wave of decadence tomorrow, mass hysteria will once again reign! The RED BITTER GOD is KING! Dionysus strikes the nations of the earth with a Beaujolais War Turd!
I have so many painful, vivid memories of Beaujolais nights past... Cars overturned, burning in the street, as naked hooligans smash storefront windows... Rooster tails of blood and Beaujolais splashed across the walls of the police station... The mad laughter of once-proud women, rutting like animals in alleys, Beaujolais Nouveau bubbling out of their noses and mouths with each wine-soaked moan... Vines curling about the legs of the unwary... Dunking, sacrifice, cutting, blood, breasts, BEAUJOLAIS!
I cannot but enjoin you, Pigdog reader, to hie yourself to a professional Beaujolais Nouveau establishment tomorrow night and try the new vintage yourself. Get some pleasure before the shitstorm arrives. Burn, Beaujolais! Burn with le feu NOUVEAU!
T O P S T O R I E S
The Future Ain't What It Used To Be
Ideas have taken horrifying shape and rooted into our modern reality. (More...)
The Once & Future King of Dust
Only The Onion could have acquired Infowarts. (More...)
Another Nobel Prize-Winning Author Describes Drunkenness
This book won a Pulitzer Prize. Here's its famous paragraph on getting drunk... (More...)
Why I'm pretty sure JD Vance had sex with a couch
True or false? The answers await us in that magical land where all truths are revealed -- the internet. (More...)
In 2010 Dr. Cheng-Huai Ruan discovered a way to cause a patient with an abnormal heartbeat to get back into a normal rhythm by sticking a finger up the patient's ass. (More...)
WKRP in Cincinnati aired from 1978 through 1982. Howard Hesseman played Dr. Johnny Fever, a DJ from Los Angeles who was fired from his previous job for saying the word "booger" on the air. In the show Hesseman would do some dialogue, introduce a song, and start the song. You'd hear a few notes, but never the whole song. (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
Patient Joab's scientifick editorial discusses aspect of the space-time-beer continuum never before processed by sub-bush-robot minds!!! Too fabulantastic to contempulate! (More...)
The Liquidation of Hobo Junction
Albany, CA's homeless hooverville by the Bay, "Hobo Junction," is going to be torn down by The Man. Entrances are already being blocked off, and it's now difficult and dangerous to get there. Worse, these obstacles are making it hard to get to the nearby HORSE TRACK on foot. Local historian, Pao Tzu, has an overview of situation. (More...)
The Deep Dark Underbelly of the Star Wars Myth, or Ramayana Remembered
It's a fact: Star Wars is a blatant plagiarism of an ancient Asian legend, and the long lines of devout Star Wars freaks are really unscrupulous Asian copyright busters. From Indonesia to Thailand to Nepal, videos are available for sale or rent before they're even released in the US and UK due to this nerdy camcorder-clutching bunch. (More...)
An innocent trip to the Central Market resulted in a severe attack of arachnophobia (and a meal) when a depraved street kid set her vicious pet spider on an unsuspecting shopper. (More...)
A Blast from the Past! Pao Tzu goes over and under the crucial variables in the production and consumption of Salvia Divinorum. A must read for psychonauts of all stripes. (More...)
We here in SMRL's Beverage Research Lab realize that there is more to life than just drinking spocktails. It's important to have other activities. One such activity that we wholeheartedly support is dancing six or more hours to Trance music. So we have designed a drink to accommodate this. (More...)
