Build Date: Sat Apr 5 00:20:08 2025 UTC
If you don't
have political opinions, I will personally break down your door and
curbstomp you.
-- Miles Standish
BEAUJOLAIS NOUVEAU, my friend!
1999-11-17 01:56:38
It's that time of year again, my delicieux friend! Yes indeed! The BEAUJOLAIS NOUVEAU is upon us! For the last time this CENTURY! And I must say, BEAUJOLAIS to that!!
If you don't know, now you know: Beaujolais is the delicious and particularly CHEAP wine produced by the BEAUJOLAIS prefecture of la belle France. Every year, the new (= bitter, highly alcoholic, cruel and painful) wine of this year's vintage is kept as a TOP HIGH GOVERNMENTAL SECRET at the most ELEVATED ECHELONS of the nation of France! That is, until the THIRD THURSDAY of NOVEMBRE, when the BEAUJOLAIS NOUVEAU is released upon the world like a BACCHANALIAN SHITSTORM!
Seriously, the Frogs make a big fucking deal about RESTRICTING ACCESS to the Beaujolais nouveau to their most LOYAL OPERATIVES on a strictly NEED-TO-KNOW basis before the 3rd Thu. Freaky d00ds in berets and striped frog shirts walk around with mirrorshades and briefcases of Beaujolais nouveau HANDCUFFED to their wrists to prevent the secret from falling into unfriendly hands. Those who violate the CODE of SILENCE are EXECUTED with EXTREME PREJUDICE. Serious! I saw it in "Hate"! It's a real bad scene all the way around!
But, when the Beaujolais nouveau is unleashed, UNHOLY WINESLOBBERING of BIBLICAL PROPORTION ensues! It has to be seen to be believed! On this Thursday, November 18th, all around the world, like a OENOLOGICAL TIMEBOMB, the CLOSELY GUARDED CASES of Beaujolais nouveau will be SPRUNG like Siegfried and Roy's WHITE TIGERS upon an unsuspecting populace! Women will SWOON with winey fevers, and men will SNORT and DIG like TRUFFLE PIGS in the wine bars of the GLOBE!
Mobs will take to the streets, splashing Beaujolais nouveau upon their naked skin and heaving breasts! Children will weep in corners as their once-civilized parents RUT like NAKED BEASTS under Beaujolais's cruel spell! In decadent candlelit secret chambers, the elite will bathe in GLASS BATHTUBS of the acidy red FLUID! Fire and Wine are KING! The world awaits the BEAUJOLAIS NOUVEAU to FREE the SICK and RAVENOUS ANIMAL within!
This Thursday, PLUNGE into your lower nature and enjoy the Beaujolais nouveau with us! Pigdog will be SLOPPING like HOGS at TROUGHS of BEAUJOLAIS in our nearest mixology lab. Thence we will SPREAD LIKE A DISEASE through the streets of the City, STABBING passersby and forcing JEROBOAMS of WINE down their raw and bleeding throats! Come with us! The time is nigh! BURN, Beaujolais! Burn with le feu NOUVEAU!
T O P S T O R I E S
California Glory Hole attracts huge crowds
A glory hole at Napa's Lake Berryessa is drawing huge crowds. According to Chris Lee, the general manager for the Solano County Water Agency, the glory hole hasn't been active since 2019, and only restarted operations on Feb 4. (More...)
Republican State Senator busted after soliciting a teenage girl
Republican State Senator Justin Eichorn of Minnesota was arrested for soliciting a teen girl on Monday just hours after he introduced a bill proposing "Trump derangement syndrome" (TDS) as a form of mental illness. (More...)
Parents claim measles is not that bad after having only one child die
The parents of a Texas girl who died from the measles are defending their decision not to vaccinate their daughter. "She says they would still say 'Don't do the shots,'" an unidentified translator for the parents said. "They think it’s not as bad as the media is making it out to be." (More...)
Delusional rich man tries to fire town staff
"I'm mayor now" said write-in mayoral candidate and founder of Pirate’s Booty Snacks Robert Ehrlich after losing the election for Mayor of Sea Cliff, NY. Then he tried to take over the Village Hall and fire everyone. (More...)
Musk claims Xitter security is staffed by idiots
Earlier this month Xitter experienced a massive outage. In an interview, Musk told Fox Business that he believes the attack came from "IP addresses originating in the Ukraine area." (More...)
The Future Ain't What It Used To Be
Ideas have taken horrifying shape and rooted into our modern reality. (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
A Day in the Life of a Beverotologist
It was starting to look like a very boring Saturday, trapped as I was in the suburban wastelands of the outer Bay Area, so I called my Able Assistant (AA) and proposed that we perform some Spocktail field tests. For some time I've been working on creating the quintessential cinematic beverage and even tho' SMRL does most of its testing during nocturnal hours, this seemed an opportune time to roll up the sleeves of our labcoats and get some science done. While the beverotology creation tested this day (The Neurotoxin) must be deemed a success, this article focuses more the journey of the experimenters, rather then the science of beverotology. (More...)
Another Spocktail from the beverage researchers at SMRL: Home of The Deathwave Bar & Grill! (More...)
Brother Wayne Lays Down the Truth
Flesh interviews Wayne Kramer of MC5. (More...)
Spock Went, Spock Wrote, Spock Kicked Ass
Every Labor Day weekend a large portion of the PDJ staff joins 30,000 other freaks at one of the biggest and strangest art festivals in the world - Burning Man - somewhere on the edge of the Black Rock Desert. Our base of operations is always the ultra swank Spock Mountain Research Labs - the World Leaders in Beverage Science and Leisure Technology. This year, we hauled up our computers, printers and a massive digital duplicator, determined to become Black Rock City's third daily newspaper. Even Spock was surprised by our success - news will never be viewed the same on the playa. Read all seven issues of the 2002 Spock Science Monitor for yourself and see why. (More...)
A Nobel Prize-Winning Author Describes Liquor
Curled up cozy with a good book? All warm and snuggly and thinking about friends far away? So am I, reading the greatest story by the greatest writer -- when he suddenly starts waxing philosophical about liquor! (More...)
It’s election night. My wife and I are holed-up in this hotel that my political party has rented out for the evening. Outside, people are being violently beaten for whom they voted for. Is this South Africa? Perhaps we’re in Haiti or some Southern state during the 60’s. Of all the places where this sort of thing happens, it’s mind-boggling that we are in Portland, Maine. (More...)