Build Date: Wed Feb 5 03:50:17 2025 UTC
Liquor is God's holiest gift to us.
-- Joseph S. Barrera III
Hell House Scares the Fuck Out of Kids Yet Again
1999-10-22 12:23:49
So you've probably heard of Hell House before-- crazy Assembly of God "haunted house" that shows the horrors and absolutely inevitable consequences of sins. It's kinda like "Reefer Madness" but with adultery, homosexuality, abortion, and, now, taking out your classmates. But it also kinda reminds me of all those old Republican politicians who had to watch hours and hours of nasty, bad, dirty pornography -- all in the name of decency.
After forking over $7, visitors get to see stuff like two men holding hands who are then shown in the next room in coffins. Or women in hospital rooms, covered in blood and screaming because they'd had an abortion. Good, clean, church-going fun, don't ya know! This year Tim Ferguson, the guy behind Hell House (and one sick fuck in my opinion), has added scenes from everybody's favorite made for TV movie, "The Columbine Shooting."
I guess the religious right isn't having enough fun with pseudo-biology, so now they're moving into pseudo-psychology! It makes perfect sense! See, if a kid sees something bad in a movie or hears it in a song, that will make them do bad things. But if they see it in a CHURCH, then they will be moved to do good things. And if, somehow, the find out you're LYING and being gay does not make God smite you down were you stand, well, they'll still trust you that SHOOTING people is also a very bad thing.
Duh.
T O P S T O R I E S
The Future Ain't What It Used To Be
Ideas have taken horrifying shape and rooted into our modern reality. (More...)
The Once & Future King of Dust
Only The Onion could have acquired Infowarts. (More...)
Another Nobel Prize-Winning Author Describes Drunkenness
This book won a Pulitzer Prize. Here's its famous paragraph on getting drunk... (More...)
Why I'm pretty sure JD Vance had sex with a couch
True or false? The answers await us in that magical land where all truths are revealed -- the internet. (More...)
In 2010 Dr. Cheng-Huai Ruan discovered a way to cause a patient with an abnormal heartbeat to get back into a normal rhythm by sticking a finger up the patient's ass. (More...)
WKRP in Cincinnati aired from 1978 through 1982. Howard Hesseman played Dr. Johnny Fever, a DJ from Los Angeles who was fired from his previous job for saying the word "booger" on the air. In the show Hesseman would do some dialogue, introduce a song, and start the song. You'd hear a few notes, but never the whole song. (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
Our team of crack journalists went insane, and made the drive from Concord, California to Concord, New Hasmpshire on Interstate 80. Read the insightful observations of our intrepid travelers made on their journey into the heartland. (More...)
Clowns Take on God in Mysterious Annual Ceremony
Last Sunday's (the 6th) Grimaldi Service at a small church in East London was a red-letter day for clowns worldwide. About a hundred old-school red-nosed clowns made the sombre trip to darkest Dalston to pay their respects to clowns who died in the last year and to thank God for the gift of laughter in a bizarre ceremony presided over by the eccentric Reverend Clown Roly, resplendent in a garish red lumberjack shirt with oversized gold lapels. (More...)
A Day in the Life of a Beverotologist
It was starting to look like a very boring Saturday, trapped as I was in the suburban wastelands of the outer Bay Area, so I called my Able Assistant (AA) and proposed that we perform some Spocktail field tests. For some time I've been working on creating the quintessential cinematic beverage and even tho' SMRL does most of its testing during nocturnal hours, this seemed an opportune time to roll up the sleeves of our labcoats and get some science done. While the beverotology creation tested this day (The Neurotoxin) must be deemed a success, this article focuses more the journey of the experimenters, rather then the science of beverotology. (More...)
It was early in May last year when I first heard about Spock Mountain Research Labs. I was working on a story about a Hungarian scientist's new approach to nucleopeptide synthesis when I got a call from my friend Albert. (More...)
Songs Of Love And Special Things
Well, dear reader, there's no denying it: Spring has sprung. The air is pungent with the fertile aroma of Romance. And you know what goes with Romance, don't you? That's right, Lover, porn. And not just any porn, but the kind you can sing along to. (More...)
For all you Sensitive New Age Guys (SNAG) out there who complain about not getting laid, I'm gonna let you in on a little secret: Women only like to have sex with jerks. (More...)
