How Many Bleedin' Gorillas Do You Need?

by Tjames Madison

1999-08-18 01:25:53

Bad People

Well, it's British, it's mostly incomprehensible, it takes the piss out of poor people, fat people, ugly people, minorities and politicians of all stripes, and it's the funniest thing on the web, now that the Onion's gone and changed their name to GettingIt, fired all their good writers and devoted exclusive coverage to the sport of wrestling. Whoops.

GorillaGorillaGorilla (GGG for short) is a completely dense and totally nasty piece of shit that makes me laugh until stuff I was drinking, like, an hour ago comes out of my nose. GGG is petty and crude and though I don't know for positive, I suspect it's put together by Mancunians.

Americans will probably be dumbfounded by articles like "One In The Eye For Lovejoy From Duck" (about a British TV actor getting kicked in the eyeball by a rogue mallard,) but everyone can probably relate to stories like "Too-Fat-To-Get-In Cannon Man Fired From Circus," "Late Night TV Shows Are Shit" ("I stayed up late for about three weeks, in different parts of the country, and without exception, every single night I was treated to a lamentable lot of shit," says a "representative" of the Broadcasting Standards Commission,) and, more recently, "Daft Old Duke," which has a shocked Duke of Edinburgh fleeing from a group of costumed performers at the National Coal Mining Museum, only to return later and announce, "Sorry about that, I thought you were a gang of cave darkies out of a fucking tribe."

Why did British TV stop showing wrestling in the early 1980s? "We took the wrestling off the telly because I started having these dreams," says World of Sport anchorman Dickie Davis. GGG also speculates that an epidemic rash of ringworm among leading wrestlers led to its demise.

But if you really want to find out why GGG is the shit, check out "The Beer I Am Inventing," by "Latvian Correspondent" Tayto Plink:

In the night of a Latvian forest I am
inventing secrets. Like mythical
elixir from under-the-earth dwarf. It
is magic beer.

The colour, sprinkling brown, is like a
hawk cloak. It has gastric fullness
that open four or five options up.

I put nuts in it.

A potion I make on boiling the silt will shrink stuff. I spill it
deliberate on Seth and the outcome halarious. Now he do
twisting walk that comes from the short leg.

If you like pop I dare you come try my special boose. Let
Tayto make your horizon wilder.

This site doesn't get updated nearly enough for my taste, but that's about the only thing I can find wrong with GorillaGorillaGorilla. This is what the web is for, eh? Bad people. From the future. From bloody ENGLAND.

Check it out yourself

burton@pigdog.org