Build Date: Wed Feb 5 03:40:16 2025 UTC
A doctor friend told me that in twenty years he never saw a vegetarian
patient with disease, only trauma (gunshot wounds, for example).
-- Trevor "Fuckhead" Johnson
Vampires are killing our homeless people!
1998-11-12 00:55:00
Dear Police, Media: Thanks for telling us that we had an evil vampire slasher stalking the streets of San Francisco, slitting the throats of homeless people, drinking their blood, and painting occult symbols around the crime scene. Are there any OTHER slashers we should know about still out there? Would you bother to tell us?
What really scares me is the fact that really horrible things are going on all the time, and the police and the media don't even bother to report them. There's all sorts of "Jack the Ripper" type killers and stuff, probably roving around in your own neighborhood, but you'll never know, until maybe it's too late...
The media only tells us about these kinds of things when (if?) the police actually catch these freaks. I guess so that the police look good, or not to "panic" us...? I don't know.
One time, a fucking BOMB went off right outside my girlfriend's apartment. It VAPORIZED one of those large metal "fortress" payphones. All that remained were some small metal chunks. The police zoomed in and sealed off the whole street during their investigation. One of the them said that the bomb was likely to have been set off by remote control--perhaps wired to explode when someone called that particular phone!! Think about that the next time you hear a payphone ringing!
I kept looking all week for a story about this bombing to show up in the news somehow--at least in the police sheet--but there was NOTHING! If people are setting big bombs off in Berkeley, I want to know about it!
And if there are vampire slashers walking around killing homeless people all the time I want to know about that too! Apparently, that's exactly what's been happening...
T O P S T O R I E S
The Future Ain't What It Used To Be
Ideas have taken horrifying shape and rooted into our modern reality. (More...)
The Once & Future King of Dust
Only The Onion could have acquired Infowarts. (More...)
Another Nobel Prize-Winning Author Describes Drunkenness
This book won a Pulitzer Prize. Here's its famous paragraph on getting drunk... (More...)
Why I'm pretty sure JD Vance had sex with a couch
True or false? The answers await us in that magical land where all truths are revealed -- the internet. (More...)
In 2010 Dr. Cheng-Huai Ruan discovered a way to cause a patient with an abnormal heartbeat to get back into a normal rhythm by sticking a finger up the patient's ass. (More...)
WKRP in Cincinnati aired from 1978 through 1982. Howard Hesseman played Dr. Johnny Fever, a DJ from Los Angeles who was fired from his previous job for saying the word "booger" on the air. In the show Hesseman would do some dialogue, introduce a song, and start the song. You'd hear a few notes, but never the whole song. (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
Juggler Vain attempts to wrestle with the issues around the KPFA shutdown; Big-time wrestling ensues. (More...)
High Availability Guinness Stress Test
All too often we forget the incredible depth of technology behind the weekly ritual of TNiPN@*. We tend to only become aware of the strategy of High Available Guinness (HAG) when it rises to the forefront during a complete and utter venue failure. Yet we should all be super grateful that this system exists. (More...)
Patient Joab's scientifick editorial discusses aspect of the space-time-beer continuum never before processed by sub-bush-robot minds!!! Too fabulantastic to contempulate! (More...)
The quest for knowledge never ends at the super top secret Spock Mountain Laboratory, although it is frequently interrupted by beverage breaks. Recently, a team of crack ethnomixologists returned from a dangerous expedition to the frozen expanse of Canada with the much sought recipe for a Spocktail that is destined to replace blunt force head trauma as the major cause of brain damage in the civilized world. (More...)
My dear and close friend, Porn Maven Shannon Mariemont, sent me a titillating message the other day about her new project: the PornOrchestra. Her desire, at most, is to reinvent the porn soundtrack and, at least, to receive a cease-and-desist order like all her cool friends did last year. (More...)
