Build Date: Sun Apr 20 16:30:24 2025 UTC
This I can promise you: bearded women lying on their backs and pulling their anuses open is as low as I go.
-- Mr. Bad
I Use A Word That Don't Mean Nothing, Like "Loopid"
2000-03-31 15:44:29
Hey hey hey! It's almost April 1, which means only one thing in this big crazy town: The Saint Stupid's Parade! Beaujolais for crazy stupid people!
Here's the dealy-do: there's this big crazy pseudo-church in San Francisco called "The First Church of the Last Laugh," run by this total WACKBALL called "Bishop Joey" (get it?). They don't do much of anything during most of the year, but on April First they have a gigantic spontaneous parade of FREAKS and WEIRDOS walking through the streets of San Francisco and acting like complete DORKS.
The Saint Stupid's Day Parade (as it's called) has been going on for some small integral number of years. The whole thing is a celebration of HUMAN STUPIDITY in all its multifarious and ingenious forms. Not just FUN and GOOFY stupidity, because there's plenty of that, but also VENAL and EVIL stupidity, BLOCKISH and DULL stupidity, VAPID and CLANDESTINE stupidity, etc. etc.
So anyways there's this giganto-parade of human stupidity, with loud and boorish actions as well as music and nudity and freakishness. You have to realize that the FCLL is mostly made up of the kind of people who are attracted to joke religions in the first place. I mean, these folks are complete QUEERBALLS the other 364.251 days of the year, so you can imagine what they look like when they actually try to give it a go and look EXTRA-FREAKY for this one special holiday.
I highly recommend that if you're in God's Favorite City on Saturday 4/1, you go to the Big Pointy Building and celebrate your own and everyone else's totally wigged out insane shithouse-crazy life. According to the FCLL, you're a part of the Human Parade of Stupidity whether you attend or not, whether you walk down the street or stand on the sidewalk gawking. So if you're going to be stupid, why not do it the fun way? Go put on your FREAK FLAG clothes, stick a couple of chopsticks in your ears, paint a big PANDA BEAR on your beer belly and tromp down the avenue with the rest of the dipsticks. Beaujolais for the Stupid Parade!
T O P S T O R I E S
California Glory Hole attracts huge crowds
A glory hole at Napa's Lake Berryessa is drawing huge crowds. According to Chris Lee, the general manager for the Solano County Water Agency, the glory hole hasn't been active since 2019, and only restarted operations on Feb 4. (More...)
Republican State Senator busted after soliciting a teenage girl
Republican State Senator Justin Eichorn of Minnesota was arrested for soliciting a teen girl on Monday just hours after he introduced a bill proposing "Trump derangement syndrome" (TDS) as a form of mental illness. (More...)
Parents claim measles is not that bad after having only one child die
The parents of a Texas girl who died from the measles are defending their decision not to vaccinate their daughter. "She says they would still say 'Don't do the shots,'" an unidentified translator for the parents said. "They think it’s not as bad as the media is making it out to be." (More...)
Delusional rich man tries to fire town staff
"I'm mayor now" said write-in mayoral candidate and founder of Pirate’s Booty Snacks Robert Ehrlich after losing the election for Mayor of Sea Cliff, NY. Then he tried to take over the Village Hall and fire everyone. (More...)
Musk claims Xitter security is staffed by idiots
Earlier this month Xitter experienced a massive outage. In an interview, Musk told Fox Business that he believes the attack came from "IP addresses originating in the Ukraine area." (More...)
The Future Ain't What It Used To Be
Ideas have taken horrifying shape and rooted into our modern reality. (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
It's winter in Idaho, and Boise personality "Lego-Man" reports on how he celebrated Thanksgiving. "I fed my wife, mother and sister wine slurpies!" (More...)
Grow better illegal mushrooms than lousy "Psilocybe fanaticus"
Disclaimer: PaoTzu's a1 illegal mushroom cultivation cookbook is meant for educational purposes only. Be aware of the techniques used by hardcore criminals! Protect your children! Read, learn, educate. Do not try this at home. (More...)
A Nobel Prize-Winning Author Describes Liquor
Curled up cozy with a good book? All warm and snuggly and thinking about friends far away? So am I, reading the greatest story by the greatest writer -- when he suddenly starts waxing philosophical about liquor! (More...)
The quest for knowledge never ends at the super top secret Spock Mountain Laboratory, although it is frequently interrupted by beverage breaks. Recently, a team of crack ethnomixologists returned from a dangerous expedition to the frozen expanse of Canada with the much sought recipe for a Spocktail that is destined to replace blunt force head trauma as the major cause of brain damage in the civilized world. (More...)
This is one for the Ages. Our new signature SMRL drink. We beta tested this several weeks ago at the Goat Brothers B-Day Party. Oh my! (More...)
During a magnificent sunny day in a fast receding autumn, the Spock Science Monitor reporters once again blew the playa dust off of their computers and covered the 2002 Burning Man Decompression – held every year just east of Portola Hill in beautiful San Francisco. Both an afternoon and evening issues were released to the unsuspecting crowd of freaks attempting to in some small way experience the euphoria of the playa – if but for a brief afternoon far from the desolation of Northern Nevada. (More...)