Build Date: Sat Mar 29 04:00:37 2025 UTC
I have a portfolio of meat pictures.
-- Mr. Biggles
Rise of the Ratbots!
2002-05-01 16:50:33
Scientists at the State University of New York are preparing ungodly hordes of ratbots to do their masters' evil bidding, according to the BBC.
Although the researchers claim that these remote wireless "device-guided" rats will only be used for so-called "humanitarian" purposes, like sussing out earthquake victims or searching for landmines, I think we all know what sort of horrible pandora's box we're tinkering with when somewhere down the line the rats become as smart as their overseers. Didn't everybody see "Planet of the Apes"? Jesus!
Says here some babble about "whisker implanted electrodes" and "modes of control" and whatnot, but I think I shall choose to see through this awful ruse. Ha ha, very funny scientist man! "Now I shall make a rat that is smart as a man and equip him with a tiny backpack and we'll just have to wait and see if he doesn't go all rebel on all of our asses and end up eating the world like a chocolate covered raisin."
"The commands and rewards were transmitted by radio from a laptop computer to a backpack receiver strapped to each rat." Chortle. Real failsafe technology. What about the special trigger device that will administer fast-working deadly poison to the rat's dinky, evil heart at the first sign of rat unruliness? This article doesn't mention anything like that. Funny that.
Rats are real bad: A full-grown rat (Rattus norvegicus), when desperate, can jump nearly 3 feet horizontally and make a vertical leap of 2 feet, 2 inches. Look at this article, and then tell me how safe you feel now that scientists are turning them into robots.
The scientist in charge of all this does admit that the idea is "sort of creepy," but I label him a Traitor to the Human Race! Let's stop all of this silly rat science immediately and get back to humane concerns, like freezing our own heads.
T O P S T O R I E S
California Glory Hole attracts huge crowds
A glory hole at Napa's Lake Berryessa is drawing huge crowds. According to Chris Lee, the general manager for the Solano County Water Agency, the glory hole hasn't been active since 2019, and only restarted operations on Feb 4. (More...)
Republican State Senator busted after soliciting a teenage girl
Republican State Senator Justin Eichorn of Minnesota was arrested for soliciting a teen girl on Monday just hours after he introduced a bill proposing "Trump derangement syndrome" (TDS) as a form of mental illness. (More...)
Parents claim measles is not that bad after having only one child die
The parents of a Texas girl who died from the measles are defending their decision not to vaccinate their daughter. "She says they would still say 'Don't do the shots,'" an unidentified translator for the parents said. "They think it’s not as bad as the media is making it out to be." (More...)
Delusional rich man tries to fire town staff
"I'm mayor now" said write-in mayoral candidate and founder of Pirate’s Booty Snacks Robert Ehrlich after losing the election for Mayor of Sea Cliff, NY. Then he tried to take over the Village Hall and fire everyone. (More...)
Musk claims Xitter security is staffed by idiots
Earlier this month Xitter experienced a massive outage. In an interview, Musk told Fox Business that he believes the attack came from "IP addresses originating in the Ukraine area." (More...)
The Future Ain't What It Used To Be
Ideas have taken horrifying shape and rooted into our modern reality. (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
Ah, it's that special time of year again. Chestnuts roasting on an open fire, Jack Frost nipping at your nose, crowded, dangerous streets filled with maniac shoppers rushing to the mall to buy Pokemon action figures, and getting hammered at the Xmas party and insulting the boss's hair weave. That's right: it's time to drink heavily and wait out life's little nagging miseries, holiday variety. Pigdog is here to help. (More...)
An innocent trip to the Central Market resulted in a severe attack of arachnophobia (and a meal) when a depraved street kid set her vicious pet spider on an unsuspecting shopper. (More...)
Report from Spiritual Machines
Arkuat gives you the inside scoop on the "Spiritual Machines" panel and conclave. Wacky excitement ensues! (More...)
It was early in May last year when I first heard about Spock Mountain Research Labs. I was working on a story about a Hungarian scientist's new approach to nucleopeptide synthesis when I got a call from my friend Albert. (More...)
When you've been up all night sampling other Spocktails and guzzling absinthe, you need a morning pick-me-up with some KICK. Time for a tall glass of Blurry Sharp Meltdown! (More...)
Skunk School -- Learn Why Not To Keep Skunks As Pets
There is an alarming trend in pet purchasing habits this fall. People inspired by the WWII film, "Life is Beautiful" -- the one with that annoying Italian guy -- are buying descented skunks by the millions. (More...)
