Build Date: Sun Mar 16 23:10:27 2025 UTC
Ordinarily, I'd be happy to piss on you, but then some dog might think I owned you.
-- Reverend Cybersatan
Sugar Aliens On The Run!!!
1999-06-05 13:05:31
As all you E.T. hunters know by now, Seti@home has just started sending chunks of radio telescope space data out to home computers to scan for messages.
A few Skeptical Sams (some even in the deepest ranks of Pigdog) think that the chance of any cosmic creature sending us a signal in the narrow band of frequencies that SETI is listening to are SO bad that it's not even worth bothering. Others, however, disagree. They prefer to see the pie tin as half full, rather than half empty.
Sure, the chances of finding alien life are slim, but if we *do* make contact with an alien civilization then, you know what? We'll have access to some **unbelievable** pie recipes!! I mean those aliens, being of superior intellect n' all, must have some outrageous space-age desserts. Man, I bet they're shoving some *killer* pecan pie down their food tubes (or whatever it is they use to eat with) right now!
Their pastry science is quantum years beyond that of our mere earthling efforts! They have flavors our tastebuds can?t even register! They may even have anti-matter sprinkles! Think about it. Our own primitive confectioneries must pale pathetically compared to their intergalactic slices.
Of course, actual evidence of such cosmic vittles has been limited to merely after-dinner speculation- until now!!! We have just received a shocking news report, from the respected UFO magazine Fate, that aliens have been filching the supplies at one of the LARGEST sugar refineries in the world! This can only mean one thing: them ay-leens are fixin' to bake themselves some serious pie! Wee-HAW!
El Destino contributed to this report.
T O P S T O R I E S
The Future Ain't What It Used To Be
Ideas have taken horrifying shape and rooted into our modern reality. (More...)
The Once & Future King of Dust
Only The Onion could have acquired Infowarts. (More...)
Another Nobel Prize-Winning Author Describes Drunkenness
This book won a Pulitzer Prize. Here's its famous paragraph on getting drunk... (More...)
Why I'm pretty sure JD Vance had sex with a couch
True or false? The answers await us in that magical land where all truths are revealed -- the internet. (More...)
In 2010 Dr. Cheng-Huai Ruan discovered a way to cause a patient with an abnormal heartbeat to get back into a normal rhythm by sticking a finger up the patient's ass. (More...)
WKRP in Cincinnati aired from 1978 through 1982. Howard Hesseman played Dr. Johnny Fever, a DJ from Los Angeles who was fired from his previous job for saying the word "booger" on the air. In the show Hesseman would do some dialogue, introduce a song, and start the song. You'd hear a few notes, but never the whole song. (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
It was the night of the Leonid meteor showers -- the perfect opportunity to break out the evil opaline liquor, get madder than hatters, and test wireless ethernet hardware... Would the plunging meteorites interfere with the 2.4GHz band? What about our delicate brain waves? (More...)
Spock Went, Spock Wrote, Spock Kicked Ass
Every Labor Day weekend a large portion of the PDJ staff joins 30,000 other freaks at one of the biggest and strangest art festivals in the world - Burning Man - somewhere on the edge of the Black Rock Desert. Our base of operations is always the ultra swank Spock Mountain Research Labs - the World Leaders in Beverage Science and Leisure Technology. This year, we hauled up our computers, printers and a massive digital duplicator, determined to become Black Rock City's third daily newspaper. Even Spock was surprised by our success - news will never be viewed the same on the playa. Read all seven issues of the 2002 Spock Science Monitor for yourself and see why. (More...)
Johnny Royale loves his Trackman ultra pointer thingy. It's coolio! Read all about it! (More...)
40 Acres, a Mule, and a Crummy 90-Second Spot on Weekend Update
Consider the plight of the Black Man. The Black Man on "Saturday Night Live," I mean. Has there ever been a more pathetic thing than a token unredeemed for 28 years? Where is the NAACP when you really need them? (More...)
A Day in the Life of a Beverotologist
It was starting to look like a very boring Saturday, trapped as I was in the suburban wastelands of the outer Bay Area, so I called my Able Assistant (AA) and proposed that we perform some Spocktail field tests. For some time I've been working on creating the quintessential cinematic beverage and even tho' SMRL does most of its testing during nocturnal hours, this seemed an opportune time to roll up the sleeves of our labcoats and get some science done. While the beverotology creation tested this day (The Neurotoxin) must be deemed a success, this article focuses more the journey of the experimenters, rather then the science of beverotology. (More...)