Build Date: Fri Oct 17 08:30:12 2025 UTC
Hope is not a method
-- Splicer's High School Sex Ed Teacher
Quit Washing NOW!!
2002-05-03 00:18:07
This is an urgent Pigdog advisory to all loyal viewers. Please quit bathing, now. Thank you.
For serious real, scientists in North Carolina have determined that showering is hazardous to your health, due to the chlorine that the gubmint insists on putting in your bathwater. It seems that simple skin contact with chlorinated water is enough to produce some, er, trihalomethanes or shit like that, but the point is it'll give you cancer.
This explains why toothless Appalachian hillbillies live to be a hundred and three, while their gone-wrong city-dwelling offspring in Raleigh are dead of colon cancer by age sixty-eight. It's the tribblethalomines is what it is.
Worse yet, it's been proven that the tristomethagorenes can cause miscarriages. Isn't it obvious what's going on here, folks?! The Feds are using the damn chemicals to conduct a mass experiment in genetic engineering! In places where people bathe a lot, like cities and stuff, the population is being carefully controlled through the use of chlorinated bathwater. Less densely populated areas don't need as much involuntary birth control.
Anyway, whether or not these tryinhalingmethanes have been deliberately inserted into our water supply or not, it's clear that as Bad People of the Future we've now been presented with a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. Our forces could gain a clear numerical advantage over the enemy by exploiting this information over the long term. Within a couple of decades, we could begin reversing our odds against the Good People of the Present.
Quit showering and BREED, Pigdoggers!
As a precautionary measure, it's also probably best to quit drinking tap water, too. Who knows what kind of tripthelightfantasticorithenes the city water has been laced with. While you're at it, you'll probably want to finish that old bunker of yours, seeing as it can't be too long until the Federales develop an airborne strain. Just stay in the basement and boink your brains out. It's the only safe course of action.
T O P S T O R I E S
California Glory Hole attracts huge crowds
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Republican State Senator busted after soliciting a teenage girl
Republican State Senator Justin Eichorn of Minnesota was arrested for soliciting a teen girl on Monday just hours after he introduced a bill proposing "Trump derangement syndrome" (TDS) as a form of mental illness. (More...)
Parents claim measles is not that bad after having only one child die
The parents of a Texas girl who died from the measles are defending their decision not to vaccinate their daughter. "She says they would still say 'Don't do the shots,'" an unidentified translator for the parents said. "They think it’s not as bad as the media is making it out to be." (More...)
Delusional rich man tries to fire town staff
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Musk claims Xitter security is staffed by idiots
Earlier this month Xitter experienced a massive outage. In an interview, Musk told Fox Business that he believes the attack came from "IP addresses originating in the Ukraine area." (More...)
The Future Ain't What It Used To Be
Ideas have taken horrifying shape and rooted into our modern reality. (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
Spock Went, Spock Wrote, Spock Kicked Ass
Every Labor Day weekend a large portion of the PDJ staff joins 30,000 other freaks at one of the biggest and strangest art festivals in the world - Burning Man - somewhere on the edge of the Black Rock Desert. Our base of operations is always the ultra swank Spock Mountain Research Labs - the World Leaders in Beverage Science and Leisure Technology. This year, we hauled up our computers, printers and a massive digital duplicator, determined to become Black Rock City's third daily newspaper. Even Spock was surprised by our success - news will never be viewed the same on the playa. Read all seven issues of the 2002 Spock Science Monitor for yourself and see why. (More...)
Paranoid Strippers & Psychotic Crack Dealers (Tales of Christmas Eve)
Christmas day, for the last 17 or so years has bored me. I find that the real fun and excitement always takes place on Christmas Eve. Every other year, it's the excitement of the metaphorical hunt instead of the kill. Otherwise, it's just plain bad craziness. (More...)
Report from Spiritual Machines
Arkuat gives you the inside scoop on the "Spiritual Machines" panel and conclave. Wacky excitement ensues! (More...)
Patient Joab's scientifick editorial discusses aspect of the space-time-beer continuum never before processed by sub-bush-robot minds!!! Too fabulantastic to contempulate! (More...)
Brother Wayne Lays Down the Truth
Flesh interviews Wayne Kramer of MC5. (More...)
The Innocent San Francisco Mule
Flesh and Abby have moved to an isolated rural location in the United States - equipped only with their sense of adventure. Recently they came down off the mountain briefly to file this report? (More...)
