The Impotence of Being Dick
2002-09-10 23:14:35
Some of you have come to think of Cheney as the Invisible Man, while others of you cannot shake the image of No Hair the Pirate. This naturally depends on whether you want to ask him questions about his Halliburton dealings or if you want to add more viscosity to his already greasy palm. While the debate rages about actual existence of Cheney's heart (say, wasn't that surgery to install rather than repair?), developments in Cheney's apocalyptic cheerleading demonstrate something that Mrs. Cheney has known for years: the li'l Dick hasn't worked since the day Richard Nixon resigned.
Seriously, if Dick was fully functional, as opposed to merely anatomically incorrect, would Cheney really be so desperate? Within months of taking office, he was frantically pushing new coal-burning, natural gas-guzzling, and uranium-spewing power generating facilities on us. He spread domestic terror by feeding us sophistic tales of nation-wide blackouts. Cheney acted like a man possessed by more than simple greed. In fact, it seemed like he was projecting all his worst fatalistic fears on us. How much more obvious does it get? "You will be powerless!" Indeed.
In an October 13, 2000 Hustler interview, Cheney revealed his horror at the realization that his "bullwhip would never crack again."
"Well, you see, it was two years ago and Fred Sparks, the VP of Halliburton's Global Prostitution division talked to me about this twelve year-old he banged while visiting Japan that year. Fred said he'd been out of action for over twenty years, but Viagra brought him back. That got me to thinking, if Viagra gave Bob Dole his soul back, maybe it could help even me.
"But it didn't. The doctors kept upping the dosage, but the only thing I was getting was a sore prostate. I'd hoped this would be the end of my missus getting plowed by the gardener, but no. Ironic, huh? I mean, here I am, about to become the most powerful-er, second most powerful man in the world, and the only thing I can drive up is oil futures!"
Not quite. Following in the footsteps of such other notable flaccid failures as Napoleon Bonaparte and Adolf Hitler, Dick's out to get his bang however he can. Dominating and robbing shareholders in an oil company, as well as chumps dumb enough to actually pay taxes, wasn't enough. Now he has to go out and bring Iraq to its knees by paving the streets of Baghdad with the lowest 25% of our nation's 1995-2002 high school graduating classes.
Don't despair, though. Aside from thinly restoring Cheney's manhood, his invasion of Iraq will give Halliburton a cheaper and more reliable source of Mid-East oil than is currently available from Saudi Arabia. Through all those gushers, the vitality of America's economy will be restored. Once the country is back, li'l Dick will be, too! Or so he thinks. So don't mind the blood from all those combat casualties. It'll all flow straight to the Veep's shriveled salami.
T O P S T O R I E S
Another Nobel Prize-Winning Author Describes Drunkenness
This book won a Pulitzer Prize. Here's its famous paragraph on getting drunk... (More...)
'Why I'm pretty sure JD Vance had sex with a couch'
True or false? The answers await us in that magical land where all truths are revealed -- the internet. (More...)
In 2010 Dr. Cheng-Huai Ruan discovered a way to cause a patient with an abnormal heartbeat to get back into a normal rhythm by sticking a finger up the patient's ass. (More...)
WKRP in Cincinnati aired from 1978 through 1982. Howard Hesseman played Dr. Johnny Fever, a DJ from Los Angeles who was fired from his previous job for saying the word "booger" on the air. In the show Hesseman would do some dialogue, introduce a song, and start the song. You'd hear a few notes, but never the whole song. (More...)
SF Hippies Can't Get Their Act Together
The annual 420 Hippie Hill event in Golden Gate Park, where large crowds of hippies, wannabe hippies, and hippie poseurs drape themselves in tie dye t-shirts and gather on a hill on 4/20 to smoke weed, was cancelled this year because the organizers couldn't get their act together. (More...)
Mozart to be inducted into the Rock 'n Roll Hall of Fame
Joining such hard-rocking inductees as Abba, Chet Atkins, Nat King Cole, and Neil Diamond, the Rock 'n Roll Hall of Fame is proud to induct Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart. (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
The end of summer is near and sirens call of Black Rock City are beginning to summons Pigdoggers from all of the world to Burning Man. Spock Mountain Research Labs (SMRL), the world leader in beverage science and leisure technology will be at our second home for a week at 5:00 and Infant (how fitting) as we enjoy the liberated lifestyle of a temporary community 200 miles from nowhere... (More...)
Things to Say When You're Losing a Technical Argument
Mr. Bad and Crackmonkey collaborate on a fine Mr. Bad's List. We put together ALL the TECHNOLOGY you ever need to know in order to STUMP your OPPONENT in a technical argument. Use these only when your back is against the wall -- they're definitely desperation tactics. (More...)
A Day in the Life of a Beverotologist
It was starting to look like a very boring Saturday, trapped as I was in the suburban wastelands of the outer Bay Area, so I called my Able Assistant (AA) and proposed that we perform some Spocktail field tests. For some time I've been working on creating the quintessential cinematic beverage and even tho' SMRL does most of its testing during nocturnal hours, this seemed an opportune time to roll up the sleeves of our labcoats and get some science done. While the beverotology creation tested this day (The Neurotoxin) must be deemed a success, this article focuses more the journey of the experimenters, rather then the science of beverotology. (More...)
Pigdog dispatched special correspondent Ratsnatcher for a holiday reconnaissance of America's frozen hell. After ten days of silence, our shortwave radio cackled with Ratsnatcher's static-filled transmission. (More...)
Our team of crack journalists went insane, and made the drive from Concord, California to Concord, New Hasmpshire on Interstate 80. Read the insightful observations of our intrepid travelers made on their journey into the heartland. (More...)
About 14 years ago when I was on a road trip and stopped in Seattle, I was invited to a party. At this party there were these little tiny glasses sitting in a flat-bottomed bowl of ice. Thin cylinders about an inch in diameter and 4 inches tall, with thick glass at the bottom. Into these were poured frozen AKVAVIT... also known as the water of life. (More...)