Build Date: Sat Mar 29 04:40:36 2025 UTC
Wow, this is like a tip you get from Martha Stewart...
-- Johnnie Royale
What a Fucking Nightmare
2002-04-28 14:43:52
In an apparent attempt to exact sadistic revenge for the decline of the British Empire in the modern age, a pair of English artistes have sworn to create and inflict upon their audience a three-part symphony played entirely through the ring-tones of thirty mobile phones. They're calling it the "New Ring Cycle."
Gah! Just imagine being trapped in an echoing concert hall while people's cellphones ring and ring and ring...for HOURS! There's no telling what people subjected to that kind of torture might do. Their minds will break! There will be murder and rapine in the aisles.
Fortunately, this wretched, inhuman scheme is still in its infancy. The composers admit that they haven't actually written the dreadful piece yet. They're full of disgusting technomarketspeak though, and will apparently go on about their "interactive" symphony at great length. And a BBC reporter decided to cover the whole unholy affair as if it were real news. Among the more ridiculous tidbits of disinformation in the BBC story is the line, "There are no plans for Leonard Slatkin to take part" which, hilariously, runs as the caption to an accompanying picture of Slatkin.
I would sincerely hope that Leonard Slatkin would stab each and every member of the cellphone symphony to death with his conductor's baton before allowing this repugnant musical travesty to enter the world.
T O P S T O R I E S
California Glory Hole attracts huge crowds
A glory hole at Napa's Lake Berryessa is drawing huge crowds. According to Chris Lee, the general manager for the Solano County Water Agency, the glory hole hasn't been active since 2019, and only restarted operations on Feb 4. (More...)
Republican State Senator busted after soliciting a teenage girl
Republican State Senator Justin Eichorn of Minnesota was arrested for soliciting a teen girl on Monday just hours after he introduced a bill proposing "Trump derangement syndrome" (TDS) as a form of mental illness. (More...)
Parents claim measles is not that bad after having only one child die
The parents of a Texas girl who died from the measles are defending their decision not to vaccinate their daughter. "She says they would still say 'Don't do the shots,'" an unidentified translator for the parents said. "They think it’s not as bad as the media is making it out to be." (More...)
Delusional rich man tries to fire town staff
"I'm mayor now" said write-in mayoral candidate and founder of Pirate’s Booty Snacks Robert Ehrlich after losing the election for Mayor of Sea Cliff, NY. Then he tried to take over the Village Hall and fire everyone. (More...)
Musk claims Xitter security is staffed by idiots
Earlier this month Xitter experienced a massive outage. In an interview, Musk told Fox Business that he believes the attack came from "IP addresses originating in the Ukraine area." (More...)
The Future Ain't What It Used To Be
Ideas have taken horrifying shape and rooted into our modern reality. (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
Robert Helms makes a living volunteering for medical experiments. Though Helms — and almost all guinea pigs — get paid for their participation in medical trials, they are still "volunteers" according to a byzantine legal code. They are compensated for their time, not paid to ingest medicine. He and "guinea pigs" like him have learned the intimate art of taking catheters in their veins, tubes in their intestines, EKG electrodes on their nipples. (More...)
Another Spocktail brought to you by the selfless beveratologists of Spock Mountain Research Labs. You do the math, we'll do the SCIENCE! (More...)
An innocent trip to the Central Market resulted in a severe attack of arachnophobia (and a meal) when a depraved street kid set her vicious pet spider on an unsuspecting shopper. (More...)
Juggler Vain attempts to wrestle with the issues around the KPFA shutdown; Big-time wrestling ensues. (More...)
The Liquidation of Hobo Junction
Albany, CA's homeless hooverville by the Bay, "Hobo Junction," is going to be torn down by The Man. Entrances are already being blocked off, and it's now difficult and dangerous to get there. Worse, these obstacles are making it hard to get to the nearby HORSE TRACK on foot. Local historian, Pao Tzu, has an overview of situation. (More...)
Australian Troops Set for Days of Debauchery to the Tunes of Kylie Minogue
This weekend Australian troops in East Timor will be able to put their feet up and push all the images of mass graves and charred remains from their minds as they relax to the giddy melodies of Kylie Minogue - including exclusive unplugged performances in the militia-ravaged and blood-spattered border towns of Balibo and Suai. (More...)