Build Date: Mon Apr 21 06:01:14 2025 UTC
Anne Coulter is a character of a parody of a comic book villain. There's no Godwin Law on the intertubes for invoking Coulter, but there should be.
-- Johnny Royale
Crackmonkey
Pigdog Journal Articles
2003-01-31
For nearly a year and a half, people around the world have taken it on faith that the Sept 11 attacks on the United States were perpetrated by Saudi terrorists under the direction of one Osama bin Laden. Only now does the power of the Internet allow the necessary research to be completed, proving once and for all that Sept 11 was perpetrated by the only nation more evil than the Dutch: Canadia!
2001-11-04
52 cards and a copy of Hoyle can keep a handful of sex-starved shipmates docile for days on end before they degenerate to strip poker. With that in mind, the intellectual freedom posse give you the "piecepack" in the hopes that it will do for board games what the standard 52-card deck does for card games.
2001-09-12
We know now that in the early years of the twenty-first century this nation was being watched closely by groups more vicious than ours and yet as mortal as our own. Organizations vast, cool and unsympathetic, regarded this country with envious eyes and slowly and surely drew their plans against us. In the first year of the twenty-first century came the great disillusionment.
2001-08-09
So far our nation has been safe from wiener imports from the Socialist regime to the North, but recent developments in the Red Leaf Empire have unveiled secretive chemical weapons tests being conducted on Canadia's unsuspecting citizens!
2001-06-09
Our intrepid reporter and gonzo journalist, CrackMonkey, went to the Survival Research Labs and artcar demolition derby in San Francisco last night and got demolished. He filed this report which we now post for posterity here in the Pigdog Journal, where Bad People of Future stay informed.
2001-05-28
For the past decade, we have pined for the Red Planet. But we lack the necessary Cold War impetus to drive us there. Our Capitalistic state now considers the cost to be far too egregious, but another totalitarian socialist regime has seen fit to plan a mission to Mars -- Canadia!
2000-10-03
Passed samizdat from hacker to hacker for the past eight years, the Lambda Expressway is a surreal tale in the spirit of The Phantom Tollbooth. Originally a series of cassette tape letters recorded on a basement 4-track mixer, it has spawned a MUD, a written edition, and at least one sequel. Now, thanks to the freedom-loving peoples of Ogg, you can hear it on your own computer.
2000-05-19
For most people, the word "origami" conjures up images of paper boxes, cranes, and squirrels. This is because most people have not met Zack Brown, the archivist mastermind behind the largest collection of obscene origami on the Net. Brown's page shows you how to fold simple pieces of paper into shapes that could get your hands cut off in most oppressive American States!
2000-02-21
Although my e-mail inbox is regularly filled with unsolicited messages selling APL Compilers, Dutch pastry recipes, and Czech get-rich-quick schemes, my postal mailbox is full of even more nefarious spam. Here's how I deal with it.
2000-02-21
The appalling state of education in this country never ceases to amaze me. Only recently in an informal office poll did I learn that NO ONE has heard of the greatest of rulers: Cletus Porcinus, the Slack-Jawed Emperor of Rome.
1999-10-08
Crackmonkey travels to an LA SF convention and does unspeakable acts of cruelty to goths and Mac freaks. Rick Moen heavily featured.
1999-07-28
So I always used to see these mimes hanging out at the ice cream parlor on Third and Market here in San Francisco. The'd be dressed in their black clothes and their white face makeup and they'd just sit around and make dramatic gestures and never say anything. Then someone told me that they were goths!
1999-01-04
Well, it would seem that my predictions as to the future strategic importance of alcohol in the technology arena are coming true. Manhattan Scientifics Inc. has finally perfected what the Canadians have had for decades: fuel-grade booze!
1998-12-30
Our team of sooper seekret reconnaissance agents here at the Pigdog Sooper Seekret Canadia Reconnaissance Team have discovered the main cell of the Canadista uprising! The smarmy Canucks have even gone so far as to leave their plans up for public view, and we bring you this information in the hopes that it may save red-blooded American lives!
1998-12-20
There's an old saying that says, "If you can't get them to laugh with a monkey, then, man, you should get out of the business." With that in mind, we offer you the latest in Web scams: the FREE MONKEY Web site.
Offsite links shared by the author
2001-12-07
1999-07-26
1999-06-29
The Open Source Initiative has finally decided to branch off into other realms! For instance, this site will show you the best in Canadista Back-Bacon production!
T O P S T O R I E S
California Glory Hole attracts huge crowds
A glory hole at Napa's Lake Berryessa is drawing huge crowds. According to Chris Lee, the general manager for the Solano County Water Agency, the glory hole hasn't been active since 2019, and only restarted operations on Feb 4. (More...)
Republican State Senator busted after soliciting a teenage girl
Republican State Senator Justin Eichorn of Minnesota was arrested for soliciting a teen girl on Monday just hours after he introduced a bill proposing "Trump derangement syndrome" (TDS) as a form of mental illness. (More...)
Parents claim measles is not that bad after having only one child die
The parents of a Texas girl who died from the measles are defending their decision not to vaccinate their daughter. "She says they would still say 'Don't do the shots,'" an unidentified translator for the parents said. "They think it’s not as bad as the media is making it out to be." (More...)
Delusional rich man tries to fire town staff
"I'm mayor now" said write-in mayoral candidate and founder of Pirate’s Booty Snacks Robert Ehrlich after losing the election for Mayor of Sea Cliff, NY. Then he tried to take over the Village Hall and fire everyone. (More...)
Musk claims Xitter security is staffed by idiots
Earlier this month Xitter experienced a massive outage. In an interview, Musk told Fox Business that he believes the attack came from "IP addresses originating in the Ukraine area." (More...)
The Future Ain't What It Used To Be
Ideas have taken horrifying shape and rooted into our modern reality. (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
It was early in May last year when I first heard about Spock Mountain Research Labs. I was working on a story about a Hungarian scientist's new approach to nucleopeptide synthesis when I got a call from my friend Albert. (More...)
Paranoid Strippers & Psychotic Crack Dealers (Tales of Christmas Eve)
Christmas day, for the last 17 or so years has bored me. I find that the real fun and excitement always takes place on Christmas Eve. Every other year, it's the excitement of the metaphorical hunt instead of the kill. Otherwise, it's just plain bad craziness. (More...)
High Availability Guinness Stress Test
All too often we forget the incredible depth of technology behind the weekly ritual of TNiPN@*. We tend to only become aware of the strategy of High Available Guinness (HAG) when it rises to the forefront during a complete and utter venue failure. Yet we should all be super grateful that this system exists. (More...)
Patient Joab's scientifick editorial discusses aspect of the space-time-beer continuum never before processed by sub-bush-robot minds!!! Too fabulantastic to contempulate! (More...)
Robert Helms makes a living volunteering for medical experiments. Though Helms — and almost all guinea pigs — get paid for their participation in medical trials, they are still "volunteers" according to a byzantine legal code. They are compensated for their time, not paid to ingest medicine. He and "guinea pigs" like him have learned the intimate art of taking catheters in their veins, tubes in their intestines, EKG electrodes on their nipples. (More...)
Clowns Take on God in Mysterious Annual Ceremony
Last Sunday's (the 6th) Grimaldi Service at a small church in East London was a red-letter day for clowns worldwide. About a hundred old-school red-nosed clowns made the sombre trip to darkest Dalston to pay their respects to clowns who died in the last year and to thank God for the gift of laughter in a bizarre ceremony presided over by the eccentric Reverend Clown Roly, resplendent in a garish red lumberjack shirt with oversized gold lapels. (More...)
