Build Date: Thu Nov 21 20:50:08 2024 UTC
I have seen the violence inherent in the system, and it's ME.
-- Negative Nancy
Okay, the world actually DID end
2000-01-07 17:30:07
Doesn't it seem spooky that there weren't any millenium cults? I mean, all kinds of crazy people are in the world and still, none of them seemed to do anything apocalyptic. And what about like Europe and Africa where they didn't care about the whole Y2K bug fix thing and left it be. There's all these reassuring news articles that Y2K didn't do much. Why is that? Well, actually, we just didn't want you to flip out.
So, we were really busy dealing with the dinosaurs, flaming angels, survivalists, disease-resistant bacteria, killer bees, kudzu, swamp rats, Kung Fu monks, ebola, economic crashes, Luddites, nuclear meltdowns, failed utilities, returning Messiahs, heroin mutants, seven-winged kings, Four Horsemen, Ragnarok wave horse bushes, stapling accidents, and sqrat attacks that we realy didn't want to also deal with you flipping out.
We know how you, more than the rest of the people we know, are really touchy and sensitive about this stuff, and we just put up some happy articles on your local computer (since the Internet was eaten by four-dimension telepathic cockroaches) that would make it seem like everything is fine.
Honestly, we decided it would be better to break it to you once we're through this crisis.
We did it because we love you.
T O P S T O R I E S
Another Nobel Prize-Winning Author Describes Drunkenness
This book won a Pulitzer Prize. Here's its famous paragraph on getting drunk... (More...)
'Why I'm pretty sure JD Vance had sex with a couch'
True or false? The answers await us in that magical land where all truths are revealed -- the internet. (More...)
In 2010 Dr. Cheng-Huai Ruan discovered a way to cause a patient with an abnormal heartbeat to get back into a normal rhythm by sticking a finger up the patient's ass. (More...)
WKRP in Cincinnati aired from 1978 through 1982. Howard Hesseman played Dr. Johnny Fever, a DJ from Los Angeles who was fired from his previous job for saying the word "booger" on the air. In the show Hesseman would do some dialogue, introduce a song, and start the song. You'd hear a few notes, but never the whole song. (More...)
SF Hippies Can't Get Their Act Together
The annual 420 Hippie Hill event in Golden Gate Park, where large crowds of hippies, wannabe hippies, and hippie poseurs drape themselves in tie dye t-shirts and gather on a hill on 4/20 to smoke weed, was cancelled this year because the organizers couldn't get their act together. (More...)
Mozart to be inducted into the Rock 'n Roll Hall of Fame
Joining such hard-rocking inductees as Abba, Chet Atkins, Nat King Cole, and Neil Diamond, the Rock 'n Roll Hall of Fame is proud to induct Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart. (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
NASA's Mars missions keep blowing up and crashing, but dammit, when you reach for the stars you have to expect a few minor setbacks. Drink a toast to the men and women of NASA! Toast them with a Lost Probe mixed up with your own two (or three) hands! (More...)
So I was walking around the Tenderloin looking for stray twenty-dollar-bills that might have fallen into gutters, and I was thinking, as I often do, about my mother. (More...)
Last week I had eye surgery and it was certainly one of the least enjoyable episodes of my life. Eye Surgeons like their patients to be conscious enough so that they can move their eyes to the proper position during surgery. (More...)
An innocent trip to the Central Market resulted in a severe attack of arachnophobia (and a meal) when a depraved street kid set her vicious pet spider on an unsuspecting shopper. (More...)
It's winter in Idaho, and Boise personality "Lego-Man" reports on how he celebrated Thanksgiving. "I fed my wife, mother and sister wine slurpies!" (More...)
This was an old standby back in my poor college days. Back then the goal was to get butt fucking wasted for as little money as possible. The problem was we hated dirt cheap beer - and some weekends, even Henry's was far more lucre then we could scratch together. So we invented Red. (More...)
