Build Date: Mon Dec 23 03:30:15 2024 UTC
RoR, man... deli meat and black, black blood
-- Doctor Murdock
New Years Eve Anxiety
1999-12-31 22:31:12
I woke up this morning thinking "Wow, this is it, the last day before the year 2000."
I've been thinking about this day for a long time. When I was a little kid I calculated just how old I was going to be on New Year's Eve 1999. Very OLD, it seemed then.
Today I'm excited and anxious. I'm not too worried about the Y2K bug. I figure we'll have glitches and inconvieniences galore, but I don't expect major, catastrophic system failures.
I figure several groups of religious nuts will commit mass suicide because they got tired of waiting for God to show up. It's sad but hey, good riddance. I feel sorry for their kids, who will undoubtedly be killed off by their own parents so they can also experience God's Glory without the wait. I expect lots of hand-wringing fake-sincere TV coverage of the suicide sites, with a reporter looking on, all solemn and attempting dignity.
I feel especially sorry for those who will be killed by the religious crusaders who want to take some people with them, which is why I plan to party the night away in a place where I hope the zealots will not be doing their dirty work. I expect endless hours of news explaining how the crusaders did what they did and what steps are being taken by authorities to keep this from happening in the future. I do not expect to hear any thoughts on how we can build a world where people won't feel the need to kill people they've never met.
Then of course there are the assorted militia nuts, terrorist cells, and political freedom fighters who figure that New Years Eve 1999 is the perfect time to maim, kill, and destroy property... in the name of freedom and justice of course. I hope the damage they cause is minimal and the lives they wreck are few. I also hope that at least some of them manage to blow themselves up with their bombs, because I love a news story with lots of irony.
I know I can watch it all appear live, on CNN, on FOX, on ABC, NBC, and CBS. I can sit safe in my living room and watch bits and pieces of the world shatter and die. Then on Saturday we can sit back and reflect on just how few of the failures were related to technology, and how many had their origins in abnormal human psychology.
The end will be covered live on TV. It will not be the end.
T O P S T O R I E S
The Once & Future King of Dust
Only The Onion could have acquired Infowarts. (More...)
Another Nobel Prize-Winning Author Describes Drunkenness
This book won a Pulitzer Prize. Here's its famous paragraph on getting drunk... (More...)
'Why I'm pretty sure JD Vance had sex with a couch'
True or false? The answers await us in that magical land where all truths are revealed -- the internet. (More...)
In 2010 Dr. Cheng-Huai Ruan discovered a way to cause a patient with an abnormal heartbeat to get back into a normal rhythm by sticking a finger up the patient's ass. (More...)
WKRP in Cincinnati aired from 1978 through 1982. Howard Hesseman played Dr. Johnny Fever, a DJ from Los Angeles who was fired from his previous job for saying the word "booger" on the air. In the show Hesseman would do some dialogue, introduce a song, and start the song. You'd hear a few notes, but never the whole song. (More...)
SF Hippies Can't Get Their Act Together
The annual 420 Hippie Hill event in Golden Gate Park, where large crowds of hippies, wannabe hippies, and hippie poseurs drape themselves in tie dye t-shirts and gather on a hill on 4/20 to smoke weed, was cancelled this year because the organizers couldn't get their act together. (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
Skunk School -- Learn Why Not To Keep Skunks As Pets
There is an alarming trend in pet purchasing habits this fall. People inspired by the WWII film, "Life is Beautiful" -- the one with that annoying Italian guy -- are buying descented skunks by the millions. (More...)
Patient Joab's scientifick editorial discusses aspect of the space-time-beer continuum never before processed by sub-bush-robot minds!!! Too fabulantastic to contempulate! (More...)
Report from Spiritual Machines
Arkuat gives you the inside scoop on the "Spiritual Machines" panel and conclave. Wacky excitement ensues! (More...)
Still Up For the Party? America's Dance Floors Are Graying
Raving over 30 doesn't have to be embarassing anymore. (More...)
Our team of crack journalists went insane, and made the drive from Concord, California to Concord, New Hasmpshire on Interstate 80. Read the insightful observations of our intrepid travelers made on their journey into the heartland. (More...)