Build Date: Thu Dec 26 09:50:13 2024 UTC
If someone like Karl Rove had wanted to neutralize the most creative, intelligent, and passionate members of his opposition, he'd have a hard time coming up with a better tool than Burning Man. Exile them to the wilderness, give them a culture in which alpha status requires months of focus and resource-consumptive preparation, provide them with metric tons of psychotropic confusicants, and then... ignore them. It's a pretty safe bet that they won't be out registering voters, or doing anything that might actually threaten electoral change, when they have an art car to build.
-- John Perry Barlow
Kill Baby 6 Billion!
1999-10-12 20:21:46
So, by now you know that the 6 billionth person on planet Earth has been born some time today. And, you've also probably heard all the hand-wringing about the horrible things this child is going to do to the world. But no one has faced the hard facts and made the demand: We must kill Baby 6 Billion!
I've been listening to the news about this baby, and everyone seems to agree that this kid is NO DAMN GOOD. He's going to destroy the environment, eat up the world's food supply, poison the air and water, cause wars and pestilences, spread disease, and pretty much FUCK EVERYTHING UP for the rest of us.
It's time the world's governments and law-enforcement officials faced the facts. We have to put a hit out on Baby Six Billion. Face it, folks: this kid is NO GOOD. We can't afford to have soft-hearted bureaucrats let this little delinquent get away with all his horrible crimes just because he's a BABY! The time to act is NOW.
Now, I've thought about this long and hard, and I know it sounds like a really horrible thing to do. But it's one of those utilitarian GREATEST GOOD for the GREATEST NUMBER type philosophical question things. Yeah, it's sad when a baby gets a sniper bullet in its tiny heart. Everyone has a sob story about that. But compared to all the bad shit this tiny demon is going to do, isn't it worth it?
THINK about it, folks. And write your congressperson or state legislative representative. This kid's only about 14 hours old right now, so he's probably still weak. If we act AS A GROUP, the other 5,999,999,999 of us can probably take him out now. But we don't have long, and we ESPECIALLY don't have time for a lot of shilly-shallying and hand-wringing.
So, I implore the nations of the world to CALL IN the surgical airstrikes on Baby 6 Billion. I know they're having a hard time tracing him down, but EVERY SECOND COUNTS. Please! Do what you can NOW!
T O P S T O R I E S
The Once & Future King of Dust
Only The Onion could have acquired Infowarts. (More...)
Another Nobel Prize-Winning Author Describes Drunkenness
This book won a Pulitzer Prize. Here's its famous paragraph on getting drunk... (More...)
'Why I'm pretty sure JD Vance had sex with a couch'
True or false? The answers await us in that magical land where all truths are revealed -- the internet. (More...)
In 2010 Dr. Cheng-Huai Ruan discovered a way to cause a patient with an abnormal heartbeat to get back into a normal rhythm by sticking a finger up the patient's ass. (More...)
WKRP in Cincinnati aired from 1978 through 1982. Howard Hesseman played Dr. Johnny Fever, a DJ from Los Angeles who was fired from his previous job for saying the word "booger" on the air. In the show Hesseman would do some dialogue, introduce a song, and start the song. You'd hear a few notes, but never the whole song. (More...)
SF Hippies Can't Get Their Act Together
The annual 420 Hippie Hill event in Golden Gate Park, where large crowds of hippies, wannabe hippies, and hippie poseurs drape themselves in tie dye t-shirts and gather on a hill on 4/20 to smoke weed, was cancelled this year because the organizers couldn't get their act together. (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
Australian Troops Set for Days of Debauchery to the Tunes of Kylie Minogue
This weekend Australian troops in East Timor will be able to put their feet up and push all the images of mass graves and charred remains from their minds as they relax to the giddy melodies of Kylie Minogue - including exclusive unplugged performances in the militia-ravaged and blood-spattered border towns of Balibo and Suai. (More...)
First there was the Bloody Mary: Vodka, Tomato Juice, Worcestershire sauce, some spices, and celery. We drank it, and it was good. Then any drink with tomato juice got a prefix of "bloody" attached to it. We drank them, and they were mostly bad. Now Pigdog gets back to basics and introduces The Bloody Dog, a drink with REAL BLOOD in it. HUMAN BLOOD. (More...)
Patient Joab's scientifick editorial discusses aspect of the space-time-beer continuum never before processed by sub-bush-robot minds!!! Too fabulantastic to contempulate! (More...)
Vacationing from Somnambulant Narrow Realities
So about six months ago, I was chilling in Chang Mai, Thailand with ICBINJ, perursing the Bangkok Times over my banana pancake and Big Chang breakfast when I spotted this article reprinted from the LA Times. It was about some kooks from California (where else?) who were claiming to have been to the front lines in Afgahnistan in mid-December and had recorded the whole feat on their website. "Holy Fuck!" I thought, "Now That's web journalism. Who are these guys!?" (More...)
I just came across this coolio essay by Pigdog Journal Science Editor binky wedged between two staves in the back corner of the submissions barrel. It's on the origin of the cyberbilly and is definitely de rigeur for any serious student of this fascinating sociological movement. (More...)
Spock Went, Spock Wrote, Spock Kicked Ass
Every Labor Day weekend a large portion of the PDJ staff joins 30,000 other freaks at one of the biggest and strangest art festivals in the world - Burning Man - somewhere on the edge of the Black Rock Desert. Our base of operations is always the ultra swank Spock Mountain Research Labs - the World Leaders in Beverage Science and Leisure Technology. This year, we hauled up our computers, printers and a massive digital duplicator, determined to become Black Rock City's third daily newspaper. Even Spock was surprised by our success - news will never be viewed the same on the playa. Read all seven issues of the 2002 Spock Science Monitor for yourself and see why. (More...)
